I'm Not Okay ☞ Stylinson

Chapter 5

*Trigger warning* child abuse and self harm.

~Harry's POV~

As I walked back home, I couldn't stop myself from smiling. The sun was lowering down into a beautiful sunset. It was a mixture of orange, purple and a little bit of blue. There was a slight breeze but it was nice, calming even.

My house came into view much sooner than I would've liked. It was pretty late now and I knew that my dad wasn't going to be happy about that. I walked up to the door, getting my keys from my pocket and unlocking it.

Trying to be as quiet as possible, I slowly shut the door making sure it wouldn't make any sounds. I tiptoed upstairs and was about to go in my room but a voice stopped me.

"Where do you think you're going, boy?"

I froze in place afraid that if I made any movements, he would start beating me. He walked agonizingly slow as if he was trying to make me break from the suspense.

I didn't speak knowing that if I did, it would only make him angrier. It's funny how quickly things can change. I mean, not even 20 minutes ago I was the happiest I've been in a really long time.

Forcefully, he took a fistful of my shirt in his hands and slammed me against the wall. My feet were barely touching the floor and I could feel the pressure on my skin from the harsh grip he had on me.

"I asked you a question!" He roughly slammed my back into the wall again but I stayed quiet.

"Fine." He let go of me and stood in a way that prevented me from going anywhere. I was trapped. I looked around hoping to find a way out of this mess but instead, I was met with my fathers fist.

I instantly closed my eyes and was glad I did because I felt pain rush straight to that area. I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood trying not to show him that it hurt.

He kept going and by the time he was finished with my face, I was sure it looked just as bad as it felt.

"You disgusting fat ass! No one could ever love someone as worthless as you. You're just a selfish piece of shit who messes everything up! You're nothing." He punched me in the stomach and pushed me to the floor.

"I didn't even know it was possible for anyone to be this pathetic." He kicked me twice in the same spot he previously punched. I groaned in pain and felt tears well up in my eyes. He laughed then turned around and walked away.

I tried to blink away the tears and hold in the sobs but I couldn't for much longer. I didn't even bother standing up, I just weakly used my arms to push myself into my room. I grabbed a hold of the door knob and pulled myself up from the floor.

Before I completely lost it, I shut the door and locked it. I put my back against the door and slid down it. I kept replaying everything he said to me in my head.

Worthless. Fat. Selfish. Nothing. Worthless. Fat. Selfish. Nothing.

I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. I tried to keep my crying as quiet as I could, not wanting anyone to hear. The more I thought, the more I remembered. Everything Zayn and Liam said to me, I started to hear again.

It was all too much. The thoughts, the memories, the names, the looks. It hurt like hell and at this point, I didn't even give a shit about how loud my crying was.

I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around myself. I've been holding it in too long. I don't normally cry, but when I do it's awful.

When I cry, it's never just a few tears. It's always full on sobbing. The one where you have to stuff your face into your pillow and press down on your stomach to keep quiet. The one where you can go on and on for hours not stopping at all. The one where you just can't keep everything inside anymore, you have to let it all go. You have to cry and cry and cry until you've ran out of tears. You have to cry until you find yourself staring blankly at the ceiling feeling completely numb. You just have to cry sometimes.

I wiped away my tears and stood up even though more just kept on falling. I found myself walking to the bathroom. It hurt too much. I couldn't just sit around and wait for it to go away, that doesn't happen.

I needed relief. I needed to feel nothing. Because personally, I'd rather feel nothing all the time than constantly feel everything. I guess everyone was right, I'm weak.

I opened a draw and found just what I was looking for. I carefully picked up the razor-blade and stared at it. I haven't cut in almost a week, I need this. I deserve this.

I took my eyes off the blade and looked at my reflection in the mirror instead. My eyes welled up with a new round of tears as I stared at myself. I'm fucking disgusting.

I quickly looked away knowing I couldn't take it anymore. I sat down and leaned against the wall staring at the cold piece of metal in my hands again. I took off my jeans and traced the scars that were scattered all over my thighs. I shook my head and laughed at how fucked up I am.

Once again, I picked up my blade and pressed it against my thigh. I deserve this. I need this.

I'm annoying

Cut

Unloveable.

Cut

Selfish

Cut

Fat

Cut

Covered in scars

Cut

Worthless

Cut

I sighed in relief letting the numbness take over. Cutting makes it all go away, it makes it all stop. All of the voices in my head are finally quiet when I take that blade and put it to my skin.

I sat there for a few minutes letting myself enjoy the feeling while I could. I got up and cleaned my cuts before cleaning my blade and putting it away. I bandaged my cuts and put some sweatpants on instead of my tight jeans.

I turned the light off and laid down on my bed, getting comfortable. I stopped crying but I knew that the pain would be coming back soon. I sighed and closed my eyes hoping that I would fall asleep before I fell apart again.

I just wanted to say that if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here. I might not be the best at giving advice or whatever but I promise, I'll listen to whatever you have to say.

- Anna xx :•)

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