if only you knew

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 29

seungkwan found himself at the beach later that night.

he spent a few hours at home, cleaning the place up of things that reminded him of mingyu and wonwoo: the dvd cases that wonwoo almost always left behind, the food containers they ate from, the hoodie mingyu left in seungkwan's bedroom. okay, he was wearing the hoodie, but besides that, the presence of his best friends ever being in his apartment was almost nonexistent. but you can't erase memories, good or bad.

there was only so much seungkwan could do to forget about what happened that night. he would've preferred to drink it away, but he had no alcohol at home. and he didn't want to preoccupy his other friends, knowing that they would ask him questions that he didn't have any answers to.

one other thing that always relaxed seungkwan was the beach. but it was still tourist season, so seungkwan was unable to visit the beach for the past few months.

but then he remembered the first night of summer, how he spent some time with his best friends at the beach. he remembered complaining about the weather, but he actually enjoyed his time there. he always enjoyed his time with them.

so that was how seungkwan found himself walking to the beach at two in the morning.

unluckily for seungkwan, he wasn't the only person there. there were a few small groups of people scattered around the sand, all huddled around fires and playing music. he felt irritated that he wasn't able to have the entire beach to himself, but he knew that was unreasonable. they probably wouldn't bother him, anyway. so he just found a secluded area far away from everyone else, dropping his bag to his side as he sank down to the ground.

seungkwan pulled his knees to his chest and sat there, watching the waves crash onto the shore periodically. the fires of the strangers and the streetlights in the distance created enough light that seungkwan wasn't sitting in complete darkness, which slightly settled the boy's nerves.

seungkwan pulled his headphones out of the pocket in mingyu's hoodie, connecting them to his phone and scrolling through his playlists for something soft and relaxing that fit the mood. as seungkwan picked a playlist and sat back, he thought back to that night he spent at the beach with wonwoo and mingyu. how he was playing music but that it could barely be heard over the waves, so he had to hum along himself. the wind was on his back, and mingyu's fingers were in his hair. seungkwan bit down on his lip at the memory.

so much had changed since then. everything had gotten so messy.

seungkwan wished none of it ever happened.

it probably would have been for the best. seungkwan would rather have a silly crush on wonwoo and never act on it if it meant that the past summer didn't happen. to have experienced any of this wasn't worth it, at least that was how seungkwan felt. he didn't even know if there was anything to learn from this experience. don't lie to people? don't fall in love with both of your best friends? don't do everything in your power to keep your best friends together, but also simultaneously wish for their downfall when you're alone? don't fantasize about them, fantasize about being with them or building a life with either of them. most of all, don't imagine the three of you being together.

but here he was, tears welling up in his eyes and clutching onto the sleeves of mingyu's hoodie.

and now he was crying. he cried over what he had lost, over who he could lose. not just mingyu and wonwoo. he could lose his other friends, as well. he vaguely remembered soonyoung saying that he would be so upset at him if he hurt wonwoo, and seungkwan found himself crying harder at that. whether it was how he hurt wonwoo earlier, or the idea of losing soonyoung over his own selfish actions, he wasn't sure. but his chest was heaving and his head was starting to hurt as he continued to cry.