𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐃 | 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐢

54

janae
march 9
monday

as i applied mascara onto my lashes as i thought about the ultimatum jenny gave me.

not really an ultimatum, but a choice. move to seattle with her or not. my hand twitched and the mascara ran all over my face, messing up the makeup i did right before this

i could've cried. my emotions were on high and my eyes were stinging like no other. i took a few deep breaths, trying to keep my composure and stay as calm as possible

i grabbed my micellar water and poured it on my makeup pads, roughly rubbing my face. i needed to get all the anger out before i went to school and i didn't want sergio to be upset because i am

when i went back outside yesterday at the baby shower, he was talking to me like nothing happened, but i knew he was disappointed. at night, i posted some faceless photos of us to a jhene song, and im not sure if he saw it because i didnt @ him

i already broke one barrier for myself so why break another? i hoped he'd see it so he'd know it's me and not him that was the cause of the arguments. and i did pick some cute photos i wanted him to see

i stared at my clean face for a while, turning my head as if i was a stiff machine. did i want to wear makeup today?

i would be running late if i redid my makeup, but fuck i felt ugly.

it's hard to overcome feelings like these in a matter of months where someone calls you beautiful everyday, but when you've fought hard to try and see pretty in yourself, and it doesn't show. the words of affirmation don't make me feel prettier, but uglier, like i'm being told this to feel better about myself

i pulled the vanity drawer slowly, pulling out all my products i used just thirty minutes before. foundation, two concealers, two contours, blush, eyebrow pencil and gel, lip gloss and liner, and that mascara

i took a deep breath, willing myself not to cry. i thought i'd overcome the rude comments about myself, but did i? if i didn't want to be seen without makeup on

i traced my eyebrows with a pencil and eyebrow gel. i used my lightest concealer to carve them, using a light hand to track my eyebrows. i blended it in with a brush and started to place dots of foundation on my face

it didn't match very well by itself, but when i put my blended concealers on, it'd be a perfect match. just trust the process, i promised myself

i sniffled, wiping my nose and holding my head up as i prayed the tears would stay in my eyes. i blended my foundation with a beauty blender as i kept this position

i heard my door knock softly over living room flow by jhene. i blinked away tears as i stopped what i was doing and went to go unlock the door

i continued to blend my foundation though. i've at least gotten good enough to do it without a mirror. i unlocked the door to see gio on his phone, his face bowed and unbothered. he looked up and his eye twitched. "stop fucking wit me bruh," he grumbled, pushing past me

i bit my lip, trying to keep the tears away with pain. "i guess we're both having a bad day," i said before bursting into tears. i sobbed, holding my bottom eye lids and my head up in a desperate attempt to stop the tears from ruining my makeup

sergio turned around, worry filled his face and he went to hold me. "mami, im sorry. i ain't mean to snap at you like that, it wasn't you, it was me, i promise," he assured, holding me in his two arms as i still tried to make my foundation stay intact

"i know," i sobbed. "i'm just weird right now."

he chuckled, using his palm to circle my lower back. he pinched my butt in an attempt to make me tell him off but i just wasn't in the mood.