actions of regret - akitoya.

twenty two.

toya's pov:

i feel like reflecting on everything that's ever happened in my life is never good, well it never bodes well for me.

thinking about anything (positive or negative) always causes me to spiral.

for example: minutes ago i was thinking about the kiss me and akito shared, i was smiling to myself. but then the pessimism flooded my thoughts as i began to overthink.

"what if he doesn't actually like me back." "what will dad think?" and so on..

as i dwell in my lonesome, my notions were abruptly interrupted.

my dad stands in the doorway of my room.

i stare at him blankly (trying to hide the fear arising inside me).

he makes a sudden move towards my direction, i flinch slightly, apprehending myself consciously for expressing weakness.

my father stands in front of my bed as i back up against the frame of it. he takes his hands out his pockets. scared: what if he hits me?

minato and jiro aren't in right now, i was supposed to be alone. why has he come home early? just to terrorise me perhaps?

"are you happy with yourself toya? not only have you made your brothers go on hiatus for their tours but you somehow managed to make it so i'm the villain in these circumstances? i don't know how...it's not like i'm the faggot here, am i?" with each word he spits, venom seeps out.

my eyes dart around the room: i'm trying not to show fear.

"have you told them yet, hm toya? have you told them that you're a filthy little f-"

"stop it!" i shout, slightly surprised with myself for building up the courage to stand up to my father. "don't act like you know anything about me. you haven't- you haven't even tried to listen to me father, not about anything! there's- i.... i have so much to say, if only i had my dad to listen to me. you don't even know the reason i refuse to go to mom's anymore. but what's the point in telling you? i was supposed to be nothing but a pawn under your control; like jiro, like minato. yet i became my own person, and you didn't like that." i stumble over my words spontaneously.

my dad stares at me with his cold, disapproving gaze.

all i wanna do is run.

i wish i could go back to mom's.. i miss her, i miss her so fucking much. i want nothing but for her to hold me, like she used to, and to wipe my tears away along with my troubles.

but her stupid fucking boyfriend ruined everything for me.

he ruined everything.

what did i do to deserve that..? i- i didn't deserve it right?

the tears that were brimming over the edges of my eyes begin to flow freely.

and i swear for a second, i see remorse make an appearance on his face. the last time i'd seen that was when mom left- i was only 5 then.

my father's presence slowly seems to fade away, and so does everything else.

flashback:

i lean over the back of the couch, staring out the window. mommy was packing her bags into the back of a big truck... was she going on a trip? why would she not tell me...?

jiro nii-chan walks up from behind me, he looks so sad.

"nii-chan, what's wrong? where is mommy going?" i tug on the bottom of his shirt desperately.

"mom is... going away for a little while... we can still see her but she just won't be living with us anymore... do you understand toya?" jiro says.

it takes me a while to get it, but when i do i start crying.

"does mommy not love me anymore? is it my fault?"

jiro hugs me tight.

" no toya it's not your fault, sometimes moms and dads just stop loving each other..." he rubs circles on my back as i sniffle into his shoulder.

out the corner of my eye i see mommy getting into the van.

i shove jiro off me and run outside.

"toya wait! don't-"

i burst through the doors, standing on the step as i watch her drive away.

she didn't even even say goodbye.

daddy walks down the stairs, his eyes look red.. i think daddy has been crying too.

"oh toya.." daddy says, a pained expression on his face.

my bottom lip trembles and i start sobbing more.

daddy crouches down and brings me into a hug.

"i'm sorry, toya... i'm sorry."

jiro nii-chan and minato nii-chan stand together and watch with sadness in their eyes.

did everyone know mommy was going? why did no one tell me?

i want mommy back...

flashback end.

it didn't always used to be like this- me and father always at each others throats. that only began after i began to grow up. i think i blamed him too much for what happened between him and mom...

"father, i'm sorry..."

he looked at me, shocked by my words.

i even shocked myself- after all he did... why am i the one apologising?

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hi troop, so everything is like really not great in my life rn, updates will probably go back to one per month or something because i reallt need to focus on school, my gcses start in less than a month and i feel like killing myself so.. sorry this might be the last update for quite a while but yk, we'll see. but thanks for the support so far! if i don't kill myself, ill try get this story finished by the end of the year... its coming up to the 1 year anniversary of this story!!! anyway sorry for this ramble, hope u enjoyed this chapter, i will try my best to keep updating..