actions of regret - akitoya.

eighteen.

toyas pov:

the strange,  feeling in my stomach that i've felt since i was on my way here, gets worse as a push the handle down and open the door.

a shriek comes from behind the door and my heart falls.

"no no no... please stay away"akitos cries call out.

i peak my head through the gap in the door, terror in his eyes. yet when his widened orbs instantly relaxed and his eyebrows unwound themselves after his gaze fell on me: relief washed over me.

"uh... hey." i scratch my head awkwardly.

akito pursed his lips and darted his eyes around the room.

"i...i just want to apologise for how last encounter played out. you were right..." i look down shamefully.

he pats a spot on his bed, beckoning me to sit.

"its ok toya... i don't.. resent you for it or anything, the last thing i want is for you to suffer as much as i am right now." and as he says that i can feel his eyes dart towards my sleeve, blood staining it as it seeped through the fabric.

our eyes meet.

my jaw clenches.

"toya... please. it's not- it's not the way to solve things! i-"

"i'm fine, really, i am. i just... i dont know. i've recently uncovered an old memory and i didnt know how to deal with it..." i consider muttering 'you wouldn't understand' but i decide against it, rather not having another argument. i can't deal with that today.

the silence is deafening.

it's never been awkward between us, so why now?

akito peaks up through his ginger fringe.

"what happened to your lip? and oh my gosh your eye?!" he reaches up to observe the marks closer but to his avail i take his hand and push it away.

"nothing i just... fell over." my lips purse into a thin line.

i know he won't believe my lies and if he was anything like i was to him, he'll pretend to believe me and not push further.

"likely story."

but he's not like me.

and in this moment; that crushed me.

it was me who ignored him. it was me who could've prevented his attempt. it was me that knew about everything and failed to mention it.

but in the end i did nothing.

how easy would it have been to simply push for an answer, to not accept the white lies.

"so? was it your dad?" his voice breaks through my thoughts.

i look away: embarrassed.

"toya... i'm so sorry, i didn't realise it had gotten this bad."

"oh you haven't even seen the worst of it." i sarcastically laugh.

"i'm always here for you toya." his smile i missed so dearly appears on his face and then the ginger rests his palm upon my hand. i look towards him staring into his hazel eyes.

and right then, i knew for sure i loved him.

he looked beautiful- angelic.

we clasp each others hands and slowly get closer. my lips part, so do his. and then it happens: we share a kiss. it was everything i had ever wanted and dreamed of.

after our lips disconnect, we just stare into each others eyes, both brimming with tears.

but for once in this nightmare of a week, i wasn't crying out of resent for myself or someone else. i was crying because i was happy.

but happiness isn't something i deserve.

i let go of the other's hand.

"i... i need to go. i can't- i'm sorry. i need to go." i sit up and begin walking towards the exit.

"no toya! wait let's just-"

i walk out and close the door before he can finish uttering his sentence.

i deserve this suffering. this is my karma.

i'm disgusting. i'm a bad person. i'm dirty.

akito doesn't deserve someone like me.

"you'll never find anyone who will love you. i will be the only one." the voice from my nightmare comes back to haunt me.

i pick up my pace. running out the hospital once again.

my tears fall.
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hey gang🙏🔥 soz for the long wait for this chapter i've had exams and stuff but now thats over so hopefully i should be able to post some more chapters this week bc its half term :3