actions of regret - akitoya.

nineteen.

toya pov:

i look in the mirror that stands infront of me, taunting me.

i don't understand: what's wrong with me?

why am i not like everyone else? why can't i act like the others? why am i.. different?

for as long as i can remember, i've always been the "abnormal" one in any group i've been in. people would ridicule me for it. i never understood why; i still don't understand.

is it because i'm quiet?

i could never handle my own emotions, i could never deal with confrontation.

i still can't.

i sit down, knees pressed to my chin.

akitos voice brings me back to our earlier encounter- why am i like this? i don't understand, i don't understand, i don't understand.

and knowing that, strikes a place in my heart, a sinking feeling in my chest whenever i recall the things i've done and said. but most importantly, not said.

the funny thing is, i know akito only wants to protect me, he wishes for me happiness- he's just selfless like that, i guess. despite knowing this, i never react in a way that shows my appreciation.

i hate myself.

my self deprecating thoughts are interrupted when one of my brothers sneak behind me, i didn't even notice him entering the room, too encapsulated in the hatred i hold towards myself.

"hey... how are you?" minato asks out of concern as he crouches down next to where i have curled myself up.

"fine." i rub my red eyes: accidentally contradicting my reply.

"yeah you look it." he scoffs sarcastically.

i frown.

i never understand anything.

the elder lays a hand on my shoulder, to my dismay; i flinch. he furrows his eyebrows ever so slightly but not slight enough for it to go unnoticed.

"toya listen i- i'm not very good at this, you know, talking and feelings, but at the end of the day you're my little brother and i love you very much. i know both me and jiro have always been quite absent in your life but we're here now. i know that doesn't make up for all the years we've neglected our responsibilities as your siblings for all this time and sincerely, i am sorry. if you feel that no one cares, please just know: i care. i care so much toya, it hurts me so much to see you like this. knowing how badly dads been treating you this whole time," he pauses to gently brush his thumb over my bruised face and he sighs deeply, "i'm so sorry."

i stay unresponsive but i gradually feel my face heat up as tears prick the corners of my eyes. i feel as though a string is tugging down on the corners of my mouth and they twitch into a frown.

minato hesitates but proceeds to wrap an arm around me. i lay my head on his shoulder, basking in the comfort.

i don't cry: i've done enough of that recently. i just listen to his words of consolation, i listen to him say "things will get better."

i believed him for a moment.

that was foolish of me.

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toya and his autistic ahh lawl