actions of regret - akitoya.

six.

toya's pov: 12:45pm - 25/05/23

when i arrived at school this morning, i didn't bother speaking to anyone i couldn't deal with talking right now- i think i'd just cry.

that wouldn't really change much anyway, i've been crying all morning- blaming myself for what happened.

"aoyagi-kun, you need to eat something.." kohane said from across the dinner table.

"i'll be fine, kohane, don't worry..." i give her a light hearted smile and go back to self reflection. not that it made any difference, akito was still in hospital either way.

i usually despise crying, and me crying right now doesn't change that. i still hate it- feeling weak, vulnerable. but i can't help it. i'm an emotional wreck.

an and kohane give each other a quick glance with furrowed eyebrows then go back to looking at me.

i hate crying.

"toya, i know it's hard after what happened with akito but you still need to eat, it's not going to change anything." an said, truthfully.

she was right. whatever i do or say now isn't going to change anything; fate decided. thinking "i wish i said something yesterday morning" isn't going to alter anything.

akito was in hospital. that was that, and i can't change that now.

i blame myself.

i regret my lack of words, i regret my actions. i just want my partner back, the person i looked up too, the only one i've ever been close too.

i've never been good with people, it's a fact. and though my introverted personality is another upon the list of reasons why i'm a disappointment to my father, akito helped me open up more. the anxiety i felt around others simply began to die away with his comfort within my reach.

my tears drown my face again.

i miss him.

----------------
akito's pov: 2:20pm - 25/05/23.

dad's here.

there's not long left till visiting hours are over really, he made it just in time. that's my father for you.

i've never really got along with him to be honest. i don't really even see him as my father, growing up with ena taking care of me because he was too oh-so busy to take care of his 5-6 year olds.

mom left, understandably.

she was fed up of him and his bullshit. the constant fighting; screaming for hours on end.

and no matter how hard i would cry dad still didn't listen.

"you can't cry all night, akito, honey." mom would whisper down my ear, hugging me close.

though she was wrong, i still trusted her.

but she left.

that's when the drinking began for dad. he never listened, he just sat. he stared at the television for hours on hours on hours.

he didn't care about me or ena, who were beginning to grow our own problems.

when the binge drinking stopped, he spent all his time on "business trips", we knew he was just sleeping with whores.

too fussed about making himself feel better for HIS mistakes, to even bother asking how his children were.

i wasn't doing ok.

i'm not ok.

"akito..." dad said when he entered the room "how could you... how could you do this to our family. everything was perfect."

he was angry?

i didn't retort, because it wasn't true. he had been deceiving himself this whole time- nothing was "perfect".

"you've ruined everything now, do you know how much is going to have to change?"

i stare at him.

"well?"

silence.

he sighs, "god you're so fucking selfish. i can't believe you."

"go away." i mutter.

"what was that?" dad snapped back.

"I SAID GO AWAY I DON'T WANT YOU IN HERE."

my arms and legs were now restrained so fortunately for him i couldn't get out my bed and strangle him like i wanted to.

"god, where did i go wrong with you." he tutted.

was he joking? was he actually pulling my leg?

because honestly, he could've fooled me. maybe he should've thought about me and ena before the arguments, the binge drinking, the divorce, more alcoholism, the gambling, countless "business trips", the child neglect towards me specifically.

"you're a terrible father, please leave."

"gladly."

he rolled his eyes and left.

i hate my dad. he isn't even my father in my eyes.