actions of regret - akitoya.

twenty one.

akito's pov:

the knock repeats itself.

"come in." i mumble, thinking to myself about who it might be.

ena enters.

my tense posture instantly relaxes. for a while now ive desired to see my sister.

"akito..." she sighs looking at the state i am in.

my eyes dart away from her patronising gaze. i never thought i'd see ena this disappointed in me. she then bursts into tears, i furrow my eyebrows in dismay.

"akito... i- i'm so sorry." tears falling down her cheeks like waterfalls "i don't think any apology will ever erase my guilt... my regrets, for not helping you earlier. if only i could go back in time i would-"

"but you can't." i cut her off coldly.

she breathes in sharply, taken aback by my harsh words, i instantly regret what i said, biting my cheeks.

"i'm sorry, that was uncalled for, it's just- it's been tough, alright? and i really don't need this right now. people prioritise their guilt over my current state, which really- trust me- does not compare."

"i didn't mean to i-"

i cut her off again, "i know, no one ever does... i don't blame you ena, so please lets stop this conversation because it's no ones fault but my own."

ena sighs and nods understandingly.

"now that we've got that over with, what did you-"

my phone chimes loudly.

resuming what i was saying whilst reaching for my phone, "want to talk about? doesn't matter... i could use the company." i look up at her and smile lightly before checking my notifications.

"to be honest, i just felt to need to see you, it's not the same at home without you. do you know when you're getting discharged? i hope..." she carries on talking but by that point, everything had already become white noise.

the world around me: gone static.

i stare blankly at the notifications on my screen. sickness washing over me just as it used to.

the screen glares at me, taunting me. i read each word over and over, making sure i read it right.

i had, i wasn't mistaken.

leering at me maliciously:

UNKNOWN NUMBER:
you're so fucking untalented. why do vivid bad squad keep you around? even kohane, a complete rookie to singing and performing, has more talent than you ever would. you sound fucking stupid, why do you even bother trying? you're pathetic.

i feel my breath catch in my throat as i try to conceal the tears threatening to spill.

i thought this had all stopped... i was a fool to entertain that thought.

"akito... are you alright? what does it say?" she frowns.

i cover my face with my hands, trying to collect myself before even bothering to utter anything.

"yeah uhm.. i'm fine, it was nothing." i managed to choke out somehow.

lies. everything i fucking say: nothing but lies.

because realistically, all i'm thinking about is pressing a hot curling iron against my arm and frying my flesh off.

but i can't say that out loud. it'll just show everyone that i really am just fucking crazy.

then again... they already think that, don't they? so what's the fucking point anymore. i purse my lips together and wince out a smile.

i see ena's look of concern from the corner of my eye.

"really, it was literally just a game notification. i've been getting loads of delayed ones since they returned my phone to me." i force a laugh out: a poor attempt to lower her suspicions.

she pushes for me to tell her, but i just say lie after lie.

after all- all i do is fucking lie.

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