actions of regret - akitoya.

nine.

akito: 1:30pm 26/05/23

dad showed up again today, surprisingly. i was for sure he would never come back after what happened yesterday.

"i got in touch with your mom, told her about the current situation." he began, my eyes shot up in delight at the thought. "im sorry son, she said she's trying to cut ties with this whole family- she doesn't want anything to do with you, any of us for that matter."

i furrowed my brows and hunched myself over on impulse, once more i found myself not being able to prevent the salty liquid forming in my tear ducts. even dad felt bad, he was being nice for once and i could tell it was genuine kindness too. bile arose in my throat as the world caved in on me.

"hey kid, i hope you know i'm sorry. not just for yesterday but for everything. i was in a really bad place when i was with your mom, i wasn't trying to drive her away from the family. i know i'm a shit dad, what happened yesterday, it was my fault and i shouldnt hold any blame on you. you just need help."

instead of sympathising with him all i felt was rage.

how dare he. the audacity, the nerve on this man. i truly hate him.

"what so now you think it's all going to be okay?" i spat, chocking on my words slightly. "now you've apologised do you expect me to forget everything you've ever done? do you know how much you've traumatised me?! you used to beat me black and blue after mom left!"

the words rolled off my tongue, thick in poison.

i recalled every event of the first time he properly damaged me.
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flashback: 2:34am - 13/10/2017

it was really late now but i could still hear him thrashing about downstairs, laughing as he speaks to the darkness holding him captive.

a glass falls- i think.

"shit!" i hear papa curse loudly.

is he okay? i just need to check...

papa hasn't felt very well recently. mommy left us and now he's always ill. ena tells me not to worry and to just leave him be but how could i do that? i care about him!

i clamber out my sheets and tuck in my teddy bear safely, walking down the stairs cautiously.

"papa?" i say, worried that he was hurt.

"akito. why aren't you in bed?" daddy grumbled.

after mommy went he started being more nasty to me now... but it's ok! i don't really mind, i know he's struggling. he hurts me sometimes but i don't care, it's my fault anyway. i remind him of mommy too much, my stupid face is what causes him to be so sad.

"answer me, brat!" he grasps onto my hair tightly.

it doesn't take me long to start crying.

"ugh, shut up would you? i don't need this, not right now."

i continue.

one blow to the jaw is what my cries turn to disturbed  sobs.

another to the stomach.

i'm now coughing and spluttering all over him.

he lets go of my hair from where he was elevating me from the ground and drops me to the floor.

kicks to the ribs and the stomach.

"stop fucking crying!" he shouts, furious.

i'm really stupid. i shouldn't have come downstairs. ena told me not to.

my sister walks down the stair case, following the sounds of distress.

she spots me curled up in the corner, eyes wandering to papa who was sitting on the sofa holding another bottle of beer.

she rushed over to me, prying my hands away from my face gasping at the sorry sight- blood pouring out my mouth and bruises rapidly forming around my eye.

"what did you do!" she cries turning to papa.

"it's my fault big sis, dont blame daddy." i put my shaky hand on her shoulder flashing a forced smile.

why does daddy hate me?