actions of regret - akitoya.

fifteen.

akito pov

toya's left me, just as everyone else has. and this time i really am unsure whether he will return to me, or will he desert me just as mama did? who's to say.

the nurses appear at my side and aid me back to bed when they find me wandering the halls in a daze that i'm yet to snap out of.

they catch me staring at the walls sometimes.

thats when i hear their hushed whispers and criticising stares glare over in my direction.

there's nothing to do, nothing to say, no one to speak to anyway. what do they expect me to do? no doubt if i spoke to myself they'd label me as a psycho,regardless.

i fucking hate this place.

they sit me back on my bed: i stare at the white walls.

toya.

i miss toya.

i want to see toya.

i begin rocking back and forth, unstably.

why did he go?

i can't help but wonder if it's just because of me. what is so bad about me? i've always tried my best, i've always been polite, kind, caring. but daddy would always raise his fist at me. he would throw glass bottles at me when i tried helping him.

i wanted to help toya and yet again, it blew up in my face.

it's my fault anyway.

it's my fault he considered self harm in the first place.

he's trying to make it a competition, he wants to be worse than you, sicker than you.

the warped voice mutters down my ears.

"we'll see about that." i murmur.

"what was that akito? did you say something?" a nurse tunes into my quiet exclamation.

"i said i would like to go to the toilet please."

"okay, i'll escort you there."

following her down the hallway was probably the trickiest part about this whole plan. i knew this nurse gave no fucks about me or anything other than fixing up her lipgloss. i've been observing them all. i know how narcissistic she is.

"you're hair looks very pretty today, by the way." i smile lighting.

she's a condescending bitch.

"thank you, i know right?! i curled it today ---------------------"

i let her talk, distracting her but not listening, just humming along giving gentle nods.

in this ward, nurses and doctors are supposed to chaperone patients everywhere they go, including the bathrooms and thats why i knew she wouldn't follow me in.

we arrived at the door, i thank her graciously and walk in.

heading straight for the mirror after locking the door, i smash it completely, using my fist to break it.

a large shard makes its way into my palm and i slice my arms, adrenaline rushing through me instantly.

my back slides down the wall.

"now who's sicker?!"

i spit to no one.

through all the chaos, i didn't realise that i had begun to cry.

"i don't want to be this way." i pathetically whine.
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sorry if this isnt good i prefer writing as toya lol