actions of regret - akitoya.

ten.

akito's pov (same day and time as last chapt)

"here we go again, you're going off on one being melodramatic."

i knew it was too good to be true, the second of kindness wasn't real: i was just blind.

"i'm not fucking dramatic!" i yell back, i hate this man so much why does he always feel the need to torment me?

we go back and forth, round in circles. he always finds a way to be the victim.

it's always my fault, again and again.

i hate my dad: he isn't my dad.

my eyes slowly grow wet realising my childhood was never normal it will never be normal.

what is normal anyway?

i laugh to myself.

a tear slips down my cheek.

i want to be at the dinner table not fearing another outrage, i want to belong to a stable family.

i wanted happiness.

my dad doesn't speak to me, he doesn't respond when i realise i was thinking all my thoughts aloud.

he walks out the hospital cubical, face downcast.

whatever, i don't care anyway.

i don't need him.

more tears fall down my cheeks: i want my mom. i want my dad.

i want my family to be happy.

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toya's pov: 6:47pm - 25/05/23
i sat cross legged on my bed doing nothing but staring.

my arm was hurting.

i could feel thick crimson blood seep through my poorly dressed wound.

stupid stupid stupid.

why did i do that?

i'm such a pathetic hypocrite.

i bite my lips, picking the skin on my fingers. i'm losing myself. i didn't think this would ever happen. but it's okay, because it was only this once! i just needed the pain so i could ground myself. never. no! never again.

i find my body moving by itself; out of control. i find myself reaching for the very same blade i'd used no less than a few hours ago. i could feel myself slipping through the gaps.

i'm heading down the same path as akito.

no! this time isn't my fault.

my hand moves by itself as i slice the skin once more.

i cry.

i cry and cry until there's nothing left in me.

reality hit me and the wound starting spitting blood. i don't bother applying pressure however i do take the liberty to text an and kohane a simple "thank you, i'm sorry." they'll understand.

i'm being dramatic.

i didnt need to result to this again.

what the fuck is wrong with me? i'm trying to kill myself over nothing, this is pathetic.

i continue the message after tying a bandage tightly around the wound.

"i'm sorry if i trouble you at lunch and in general, i'm just really distraught about all the akito stuff. i just really hope he's alright."

all of a sudden, all i want to do is see akito.

i loved him.

he doesn't know how much.