actions of regret - akitoya.

five.

toya's pov: 7:35am - 25/05/23

it's thursday. i have school this morning, my alarm just went off. yet i can't bring myself to get out of bed. regardless of the fact i am so drained, physically, from the previous night of tossing and turning- waking up in cold sweat, then realising he's not dead. he survived.

but despite that i still can't bring myself to get out of bed. mentally tired, you could say. and though i, aoyagi toya, brought up with money and privilege shouldn't have a right to be mentally tired, yet i still find myself wondering if my whole persona is fake, a mask. maybe i've been lying to myself?

i stare at my ceiling falling into an abyss of my own thoughts.

eventually i find the motivation somewhere within me to haul myself out of bed, effortlessly changing into my uniform.

i make my way out the house starting my treck to school, ignoring the snide comments made by my father as i walk out the front door.

"you bring shame to the family name." he scowls.

but i simply do nothing, not finding the guts to say anything back. i don't care enough to do that.

mind wandering as i walk down the pavements, heels scuffing on the hot concrete occasionally. notions pop in and out my head like "does everyone at school know about akito?".

i hope not, that would be bothersome to explain...

there we go. once again me being selfish, not caring about others. not putting even a single thought into how much more this is effecting akito's family, and akito himself. i'm certain they're suffering from this incident way more than i am, i always have to find a way to make something about myself.

maybe i crave attention?
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akito's pov: 12:45pm - 25/05/23

i woke up a couple of hours ago, once more finding myself in unfamiliar territory. i suppose they already moved me to a different ward as previously mentioned. the bastards hadn't even bothered to tell me first.

i hate doctors.

they all have god complexes and constantly want validation, i hate them. they're nothing but selfish. they don't work to save lives, they work to tell their colleagues "i just treated a patient suffering from blah blah blah" its sickening, honestly. the smiles they give you are fake.

"you can't trust them."

i ignore the mutter, though silently agreeing, because just this once i would let them be right.

i hate doctors and nothing is going to change that.

anyway, ena visited this morning. she should've been at school but no matter, i don't care either way.

i think one reason ena feels so guilty is that she vaguely knew about the self harm. i recon she thought it was a minor issue or a split second phase i went through during end of middle school and beginning of high school.

she questioned me about it once;

"akito, why is their blood on your bed sheets?"

she said on numerous occasions.

"nose bleed."

i'd reply simply.

"... okay."

the slight furrow in her eyebrows told another story but clearly she didn't second guess me enough to push any further.

she felt guilty knowing very well that if she did push further she could've gotten me to open up, therefore possibly preventing this incident.

but it's never that easy.

when she came to accompany me this morning, she was abnormally quiet. a few meaningless nothings here and there, but she kind of just, stood there. not even looking me in the eyes.

i made it awkward.

"all your fault."

ignore ignore ignore.

i won't give in this time.

"dad's on his way home" she said, irises fixated on the corner of the hospital room.

i didn't care about dad.

"he's going to want to speak with you..."

i don't want to speak with dad i want to speak with you.

i didn't bother responding to her. the atmosphere was thick with tension, uncomfortable silence wavering in the air.

"i don't know what to say."

i roll my eyes at her comment, because who actually says that?

"akito?"

"she'd be better off without you"

frustration builds up and i throw a coaster at her head, narrowly missing it. like a repeat of last night i begin screaming and kicking frantically as i'm held down, movement restricted, by doctors who suddenly appear by my side.

"GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!" i hollered, half aimed towards her, half to the mysterious declarations in my head. unfortunately for me, ena didn't get that.

to no one's surprise they drug me again. before i pass out i catch a glimpse of ena's face. she was stood there, kind of just staring- confusion weaving into her expression, shock as well. the situation that escalated so quickly from a one sided conversation, to the crazy schizo sibling having a melt down.

i feel remorse for ena, she doesn't deserve a psycho brother like me.

manic, deranged, insane is all i'll ever be. i contemplate: "now i've really done it, she's seen the side of me i tried to keep hidden" and thought "she thinks i'm a no-good freak. she's not gonna want to associate herself with me anymore."

but to my astonishment, i hear her steps amplify- she was walking towards me. and though i was senseless i could still feel her hand brush over my arm.

i shiver.

i was sensate enough to feel her delicate lips place a zephyr-like kiss upon my cheek.

"it's all going to be okay, akito." ena confides me in me even despite my coma-like state.

if i were awake i would be crying.

i feel guilty as her footsteps fade out, regret immerses me in it's torrent.