actions of regret - akitoya.

twenty.

how would y'all feel if i killed myself and never finished this story lmfao

akito's pov:

i sit in my bed, fists clenched, palms sweating as i watch toya storm off... again.

i wish he would just listen to me.

i know he's scared... i just wanted something to be normal for once in this past week. my life has been hectic- completely thrown off course. i wanted at least our 'friendship' to be normal.

i wanted to share that kiss with his for so long.

i wanted to caress his cheek gently and smile sweetly at each other after locking our lips together: preferably not in a hospital.

why is that too much to ask for.

and for some reason, it's only now that reality truly hits me, showing me what i've done. after all this time i've spent in the hospital and only now i realise that my life will never go back to normal.

ena, my dad, an, kohane, toya; none will ever look at me the same ever again.

they will only ever view me as weak.

a burning feeling inside me arises and i feel like (once again) the only way to escape all the pressure, from society (from myself), is to end everything permanently.

i bite down of my cheek, tasting the crimson as it flowed upon my taste buds.

but, i don't want to die.

i want my happy ending, if that's even possible at this point.

is it?

i suppose for now i'll wait and see...

i want to be in a normal teenage relationship with the one i love.

if only the one i loved was a girl.

things would be so much better. why did it have to be this way.

my mind flicks back to the kiss i shared with toya...
toya who is perfect in every way...
toya who i love...

then i remember.

the blood seeping through his shirt sleeves more and more often. i yearn for him to open up to me more.

but like he said: that's rich coming from me.

all would be well if i knew he didn't mean that, he can apologise, i can forgive him. but in the end i will always know that he meant what he said.

that hurts.

my heart beats like a drum in my chest and i take a deep breath.

there's another knock at the door.

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toya pov;

me and minato sat together for a while, quietly basking in each other's comfort. i don't know how much time passed, i don't care.

honestly i'm so grateful that my brothers have returned home, even though it was due to my... circumstances.

i feel like a fool for showing him this side of me.

"minato." i say, my head remaining on his shoulder.

"hm?" he replies.

"do you think dad actually hates me?"

"ah.." he sighs deeply, "to be honest toya, i don't- i'm not quite sure." he sits up, my head gently falling off his shoulder, the cold seeps through my skin again (the feeling of loneliness). "if he does, i don't think he wants to... it's just that he wants us all to achieve the dream he never got to accomplish, and you... you're the only one who wanted to be your own person. you have individuality, toya, don't let father take that from you. me and jiro, we weren't as strong as you were. i never wanted to be a classical violinist," he chuckles but i can see the regret swimming in his eyes, "i wanted to become a jazz pianist, there was a time i briefly mentioned this to father.... let's just say he didn't take it well." his eyebrows twitch a furrow.

"i never meant to make it awkward for anyone.. i just wanted to pursue something i enjoyed." i say whilst frowning .

"you didn't make anything awkward, brother. i think father is just upset because you were a prodigy. honestly, even as the professional violinist that i am, i can truly say that you were miles better than me. father was just enraged that you may be wasting this talent..."

i recall back to before joining akito to surpass RAD WEEKEND... i remember when father used to treat me like his son... i remember the last time i felt love from him... i remember the cold glare he gave me from then on after i told him i was going to quit violin.

"i dont understand how one thing can change a person that much." sorrow is echoed in my voice.

minato slings his arm over my shoulders.

"i know toya... it's not your fault though."

he's lying.

he bites his lip when he lies.

it is my fault.

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what the fuck ! gonna stab myself , happy easter for last week guys btw :3