Invisible string (lestappen)

Chapter 27 : Max

I've never felt as confused as right now. I can't stop thinking about the conversation I had with Charles. About how much his words hurt me. But it's my fault really. How could I think we could just be together and everything would be alright ?

I was blind. He doesn't like me like that. The casual request made that pretty clear. I should be okay with it. Everything would be so much easier that way. We wouldn't have to face everyone's opinions. I'd get to be with him without any external pressure. So why does that prospect sound so unappealing to me ?

It'd feel like being forbidden from your favorite part of a song. Because the truth is, I want it all.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

I want to know every tiny detail about him, especially the irrelevant ones. I want to kiss him, to hug him, to comfort him when he feels sad. I want to be that person and it'd kill me to let anyone else get that. I can't keep denying how I feel. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that I hated him, the reality couldn't be further from that.

I never hated him. Not even close. Not even a little bit.

Not even at all.

•••

I still haven't replied to his text. Not really knowing what to say. Should I keep this thing going or should I just stop it completely ? Both would have the same outcome, me being hurt. Because the idea of not hanging out with him sends a shiver down my spine. And not the good type. I don't know if I could survive it. But the opposite would mean my feelings would grow even more and I'd have to keep burry them deeper and deeper. I sigh while checking my watch. It's 7 pm. I have to make a decision. I can't keep him in the blind like this any longer.

After texting Pierre to have Charles's hotel name, I grab my jacket and keys. Thankfully, he didn't ask any questions about it. I wasn't really in the mood to find a lame excuse to hide the obvious.

Once I get in my car, I put on the gps and start the engine.

•••

'Max ?'

He opens the door, confused. Not surprising since I didn't reply to his text. I didn't feel like talking about it by messages, it's never been my thing. And to be honest, I'm still unsure of what I even came to say.

'I thought you weren't going to come, you didn't answer my text'

He makes his way to the living room and I follow him.

'Yes, I know. I'm sorry'

He stops to face me.

'Are you okay ?'

I don't even know the answer. Am I ?

'I...'

He frowns while looking at me attentively, making me even more nervous than I already am.

'You know what ? No, I'm not'

I decide to take the bull by the horns and just spill everything.

'I know I said I was okay with keeping this casual but the truth is, I can't do it'

'You mean...you want to stop ?'

The vulnerability coming out of his voice makes the next words so much harder to say.

'I, no. I don't but I can't just keep seeing you here and there like that'

He still doesn't seem to understand what I'm trying to say. Why is it so hard to explain it ?