Beneath It All

80 - She's Inbetween His Thighs.

C H A P T E R E I G H T Y

a/n firstly the fact that we're on chapter 80 is CRAZY (there's around ten chapters left but most of them are short). and secondly, please pay attention to the trigger warnings!

also listen to the song above <3 (boys will be boys by dua lipa)

tw // sexual assault + groping

A s t r a *.✧

"I tried as hard as I could. I really did. I noticed all the signs, especially since we'd begun to hang out more. But I was in such a bad place myself, I just eventually... stopped caring," I whispered hoarsely, feeling sick to my stomach at that last part. "It was my fault. Both of their deaths were my fault."

I don't think I'd ever said it out loud to anyone before, confessed to anyone properly about the things the darkest corners of my mind whispered to me and infiltrated my thoughts with.

"Astra-" Leila began, but I shook my head, cutting her off.

"People say that if you truly believe it's your fault, it would be eating you away and driving you insane. But honestly, it's just having constant guilt gnawing away in the back of your mind. It's being reminded that you're the reason every time they're not there when someone mentions their name. I did as much as I could but sometimes I wonder... could I have done more?" I choked on a sob. "I tried so hard. I fuck everything up. But maybe people like me are just destined to be friendless. That's why I'm so scared to let you, or Shane, or Kyrie, or whoever the hell it is, in. Because I know I'm going to ruin it."

She rubbed my back soothingly as I cried, stroking the hair out of my eyes. "Hey. Astra," she said in a soft voice. "No matter how much you believe it is, it's not your fault. At the end of the day, they made the decision. It was their choice, and nothing you could have said or done would have prevented that. It was in their fate."

"But I could've helped them-" she wiped away the new stream of tears running down my face.

"No. You need to realise that sometimes, no matter how much we try, some people just aren't meant to be saved. And as harsh as it is, there's nothing you can do about it." I leaned into her and she wrapped an arm around me. "Astra Thatcher... you deserve to be happy. It's time to let go of the past and forgive yourself. You're doing so well, with your regular sessions and you've been talking to so many new people. But you've been so distant lately and even though you might not feel like it, I tried talking to you. But you just said something cold every time and told me to go away."

I shifted, looking up at her. "Really?" She nodded.

I'd been so caught up in my own shitty mind that I completely forget to pay attention to the people around me. Mental health is scary; it takes your life and twists it to fit an unsettling perspective until you're unsure of what's happening around you and can't distinguish the difference between reality and fiction.

"Thank you," I whispered. "I'm not going to look back. I'm going to try harder and make more of an effort. And i'm going to try and live in the present." She pressed a kiss on my head, leaning hers against mine.

"It's going to be hard, but we're going to do it. Together. You're not alone anymore, Astra."

"Together," I whispered. She nodded.

I'd decided to tell Leila about everything after Shane had told me I needed to tell someone and not just my therapist - a friend. And I was so glad I did; it was as if a burden had been lifted off me. She helped hold the ceiling of the weight of the world with me.