A North Carolina Autumn

Chapter Sixty-Five

8.28.2023

Trigger Warning: Mentions of SA, abuse and SH

I bolt upright in bed, my throat raw and my shirt drenched in sweat, tears streaming down my cheeks as the nightmare fades. "Fuck," I sob, pressing the back of my hand to my mouth.

Rylie's side of the bed is cold and empty, only the vague memory of her kissing me goodbye left in her place. A quick glance at my phone shows a text saying she got called into work for an emergency surgery.

My nose stings, signaling the threat of more tears. I clench my jaw tightly, desperately trying to keep from feeling any of the emotions that try to force their way through.

I wrench myself free of the blankets holding me to the bed and rush towards the bathroom, tearing my damp t-shirt from my body on the way.

I climb into the shower with the hope that the water will wash everything away, but it quickly becomes evident that it isn't going to be much help.

Defeated, I slide my back down the wall and pull my knees to my chest, letting the water cascade over me as the nightmare replays in my mind.

His dark eyes lock on mine. "The only one to blame for my death is you."

"Just accept that this is all your fault!" His strong hands leave painful marks on my skin.

"You're cheating on Rylie with these dreams, you know. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on." His body pins mine to the bed.

"Stop!" I scream, my voice echoing around the bathroom. "Get out of my head!"

There's only one way to accomplish that.

My eyes dart to the cabinet beneath the sink as thoughts of my last relapse flash through my mind.

I should have thrown everything away last time. Why didn't I? I scold myself silently.

Because it helped, didn't it?

I can't find it in me to argue with that voice, no longer sure whose voice it even is.

~~~~~~~~~~

When I return to my bedroom 10 minutes later, I slowly slip on some sweatpants before carefully climbing back under the covers.

My teeth chatter quietly as my thoughts wander, my still damp hair making it harder to warm up. While I had been expecting to feel guilt or shame or disappointment, I only feel a sort of calm. My thigh stings a bit, but it's always a grounding feeling.

I feel almost... okay. Another thought tries to break through, one saying that the okay feeling wouldn't last, but I push that thought away.

The bedroom door creaks softly and I turn my head as Harvey pushes his way into the room. Sammy pads in quietly behind him, heading straight for the little doggy bed in the corner.

Harvey jumps up onto the bed and I laugh, sniffling softly as he curls up by my side. I keep the blanket over my thigh, feeling silly for hiding it from a dog. What's he gonna do, tell on me?

I giggle at the thought and rub his belly as I enjoy the calm feeling that surprisingly hasn't left yet.

I decide to spend the rest of the morning in bed watching a movie before getting up to clean. "Sorry buddy," I say to Harvey as I move him from the bed to the little dog bed. "I'm not a fan of sweaty sheets, so I gotta change them." Harvey blinks once before dropping his head onto his paws. "Love the support." I giggle before getting to work.

~~~~~~~~~~

When everything is clean, I grab a book and sit on the couch, planning on reading until Rylie gets home. Reading is usually a good distraction, and I need something to occupy my mind. But after I catch myself reading the same sentence for the sixth time, it's obvious that it's not distracting enough. My mind seems determined to keep going over the nightmare, remembering each and every detail that I just want to forget.

I've always considered that day to be one of the worst days of my life, second only to the day my father died. "I don't understand why this day can't just stay in the past." I say aloud, failing to block the images of Gabe that flash in my mind.

But as I remember one specific detail from that day, I quickly pull out my phone and open the notes app, scrolling until I find the note with his name. I'd considered deleting this note countless times, but it had come in handy more than once. This note held every single thing that had happened with Gabe, the good and the bad.

When I first started the note, we had only been together for a couple of months, so it was still that 'honeymoon' phase. It had started as a journal to record all of the sweet things he said and did, much like the letters. Slowly, it had changed from sweet things to the times and different ways he hurt me.

Since I'd kept the note, it had been really useful during court. I was able to provide dates and details for each incident with Gabe.

"I guess that would do it." I whisper as I stop scrolling, my eyes landing on a familiar date.

December 30th, 2019

Gabe hurt me again today, but this time was different. This time, he took something from me that I didn't want him to have. I was saving that part of myself for someone I truly love, someone that deserves it. But Gabe didn't care, and now I'll never be able to get that part of myself back.

A small part of myself is worried that he's right, maybe I did deserve it. I wasn't wearing anything crazy, just a sweater and jeans since it's cold today. But maybe the jeans were too tight or something.

I know we were together for a while, and I know there are certain things couples do to further the relationship, but was I wrong to not be ready? Shouldn't I be the one that gets to decide when I give that away, and who I want to give it to?

I left really quickly after it happened, and Hadley came to get me. I didn't tell her what happened, but I think she knew something happened. When she found out a while ago that he was hurting me, she made me promise to break up with him. So I told her that I did and that he got angry, but I left it at that. She probably suspects that he hurt me again, but she didn't pressure me to tell her.

I'm really grateful for that, actually. Hadley always seems to know what's going on in my head, but she never expects me to talk about things. She patiently waits until I'm ready, and then she is just there for me. She'll give me advice or her thoughts, but I know she'd never force me to do something, even if we both know it's what's best for me.

Breaking up with Gabe is the only thing she made me promise to do. It isn't like she forced me to, though. I'd been thinking about it for a while anyway and she just helped convince me to finally do it.

I want to tell her about what happened today, but I can't  yet. I don't think I've processed it all the way. Even though it hurts both physically and mentally, and even though I'm so angry, I can't scream or cry or anything, really. I just... feel so empty and numb.

I'm tempted to do the one thing that I know can cause at least some temporary relief, but I'm trying to avoid that now.

Now that things are over with Gabe, I want to get out of the mindset I've been stuck in. I don't want to believe his lies anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm the one that messed up or that I deserved his abuse. I don't want him to have any more control over me.

I don't know if I should tell someone about what happened today. I'm really scared that no one will believe me. Gabe would probably call me a liar or make up some story like he did when he broke my arm.

I also never want to see him again, but if I tell someone what happened, I'll probably have to see him again and I have no doubt he would be angry.

Despite everything, I don't want to ruin his life. He always talks about how excited he is for college and his future, and I don't want to be the one to take that away from him.

Even if he took everything from me.

I rub my stinging thigh as I finish reading, my vision blurry with tears. The date is the only thing I can make out now, and it feels as though it's burning itself into my memory.

The day Gabe took the most important thing to me, the day he broke my soul without a second thought, was exactly two years ago today.