A North Carolina Autumn

Chapter Forty-Seven

2.18.2023
Trigger warning: mentions of self harm

I wake late the next morning and sigh as I instantly feel my swollen and puffy eyes. The combination of lots of tears plus staying up late was the perfect recipe for that. I'm a little bit frustrated at the emotion I feel when I roll over to find Rylie's side of the bed empty but as I remember the details of last night and of my nightmare, it makes sense that I'm more emotional than normal.

She's just at school, she'll be home soon. I think, trying to calm myself. I let out another sigh before sitting up, brushing my messy hair from my face. Harvey senses my movement and hops up onto the bed, bringing a smile to my lips.

"Hey, Harvey." I pull him into my arms, giggling as he nips at the ends of my hair. "What do you say we do some organizing today?" I'd been meaning to give our closet a makeover to make some more space. We'd ordered some storage tubs to put all of our summer things in for the winter, which would give plenty of room for more jackets and coats.

That reminds me... I slip out of bed and pad towards the closet to grab the box of coats I'd grabbed from my mothers house. A lot had happened since I'd packed up this box, and I was excited to see which coats I'd put in it. I was hoping this was the box that held my favorite coat that had been missing for two years.

"Aha!" I say happily, earning an excited bark from Harvey. "I should've checked this box sooner." I mutter to myself. My eyebrows draw together in confusion as I see a small box covered in strips of newspaper. I remember the box, and the phase I'd had of ripping up newspapers to then glue the pieces onto boxes in my own unique way of decorating the boxes. This thought makes me smile, and the smile only grows as I see all the little trinkets and mementos I'd stuffed inside.

My smile falters slightly as I grab the thick stack of envelopes, reading the small print on each one. These were my 'letters I'll never send'. Most had been written while I was in high school and while some of them were good, happy letters to people in my life, it was easy to remember how many were not. It was also easy to remember how many were addressed to Gabe.

I quickly put the letters back in the box, not wanting to deal with the flood of emotion I knew they would bring. The smile completely vanishes from my lips as my fingers brush against the small bundle beside the letters.

"No... no, no, no..." The word comes out as a repeated whisper while I sit frozen, unable to take my eyes from the bundle. "What the fuck..." I sob, unable to control the sudden rush of emotion.

I threw them away. Right before camp I wrapped them in that stupid grey cloth and threw them away. Except I hadn't. In the rush of packing all of my things up, and with the thought in mind that I might need them again one day, I'd hidden them away in this box.

"I'm so stupid!" I nearly scream, digging my fingernails into my arms as they wrap tightly around my knees. Ever since the nightmares started back up, bringing the guilt and pain from the past with them, it had taken everything in me to keep from hurting myself. I'd managed to push away the thought most of the time, but it was still always there, no matter what I did. And now with this, I'm not sure pushing the thoughts away is an option anymore.

I take the cloth bundle gently in my hands, studying the varying greys of the threads for a moment before slowly unwrapping it, careful to avoid the contents. Although they've been healed for a couple of years now, my scars burn as if they'd never healed at all as I stare at the blades in my palm.

Disgust builds inside of me as I stare at the silver pieces. The blades that knew my skin in a way I hated, a way I desperately wish I could take back. And yet, despite this disgust and hatred, the thoughts are back full force, refusing to be pushed away.