I Want What I Can't Have

Kiss Me

As I waved goodbye to Felix, a rush of bitter sweetness coated me. I would see him again one day, but now the time wasn't right. Now I needed to be alive. I looked up at the waiting room ceiling, tiled white until I heard the strangest of beeping noises. The burning lights were back and I squinted to shield my eyes from their rays.

"She's breathing, she's breathing!"

Every inch of my body ached. The pain had returned. Someone sprinted into the door behind another person who wore a white coat. Where was I?

"Flaire!"

I recognised that voice. Finnick. I forced myself to sit up, but someone pushed be back down.

"Calm down Miss Lockshot, everything is okay," a soothing voice said.

Was everything okay? I didn't know where I was but I could hear him. I could hear Finnick so clearly.

"Let me see her!" He said.

"Mr Odair, she needs to be assessed," someone replied.

"No," I choked, "let him stay."

"Miss Lockshot refrain from speaking for a moment while we assess you," the voice said.

"No!" I said, my voice falling in and out of a whisper, "if you take him away I will scream so fucking loud my lungs will explode and you won't be able to assess me. I need him. Finnick stays."

Everyone was silent.

"The boyfriend can stay."

Breath of relief. I caught a glance of Finnick as he rushed over in a blur. His eyes were bloodshot and his lip was split. His hair was an absolute mess but god was I happy to see him. I pushed my lips on top of his and he kissed back. I wanted more and deepened the kiss but he pulled away.

"Later," he murmured under his breath, "when they're gone."

I nodded and he grasped my hand.

"I saw so many thing," I began to say.

"Miss Lockshot please remain silent for the assessment!"

***
It was hours until all of the doctors cleared out, I was so glad they were all gone. Finnick told me that he'd come with Peeta, Johanna and Haymitch, but Haymitch and Peeta had left as Katniss would be trialed soon.

"So Johanna's outside right now?" I asked.

"She's been stood there for hours," he replied, "do you want her to come in?"

I nodded, trying not to wince. Everything hurt and I didn't even know why. My body was plagued with exhaustion. I just wished it would all stop. Johanna walked in her face red and blotchy, her eyes puffy, but still a smile on her face.

"You look rough," she smirked.

"Really?" I asked, "I hadn't noticed. Still think I look better than you though."

She laughed and then grew sad, "how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," I lied.

She raised her eyebrows.

"So maybe I'm not okay but I'm not as bad as I was," I replied.

"I was so scared," she murmured, "I really thought I was going to lose you."

"You couldn't get rid of me that easily," I smiled weakly.

Johanna slowly put her arms around me and gave me a gentle hug. I relaxed in her grasp and hugged back, hearing the steady beat of her heart in my ear. She smelt good, like comfort. She was warm and cozy like a blanket, I wanted to stay there forever.

"I thought you weren't a hugger," I said, the sound muffled slightly.

"I'm not," she replied, "but it doesn't mean I don't give any hugs."

"I love you Jo," I sniffed.

"I love you too," she nodded, blinking back tears, "I'll leave you two now. You need to sleep or kiss your boyfriend or whatever. And if I'm honest I don't really want to witness your kissing. I'll be back in the morning."

"See you soon," I smiled.

She slowly walked out looking at me every step until she was gone. I listened to the soft sound of her footsteps going down the hallway, as the sound grew quieter and quieter. I glanced at Finnick and smiled carefully edging my body to one side of the bed, he grinned and hopped in beside me.

***
I was in and out of sleep. Whenever I went to sleep I couldn't stay there for very long, I didn't know why. Maybe I was scared I might die. My head was on Finnick's chest and it would rise and fall with every breath he took, like we were one. I could hear his heart steadily beating and began to wonder when mine stopped and what is was like.

"Finnick," I whispered.

"Hmm."

"Are you still awake?"

"Yeah," he replied.

"You know when I was dying back there," I asked,

"Yes," he said slowly.

"Something weird happened," I said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well I kind of woke up in this place and was taken to a room and my brother was there, Felix," I breathed.

"Isn't he..." he trailed off not wanting to say it.

"Dead," I nodded, "there was a door at the end of the room and if I went through it I would be able to see my mum and Freya."

"Did you go through?" Finnick asked.

"No because the price I would have to pay by seeing them is dying in this world," I replied, "but my brother said something to me and it's been playing in my mind."

"What?" he said.

"'Death does not let many people cheat him, but he chose you,'" I told him, "I can't get those words out of my head. And then I can't work out whether this was all real or some kind of sick dream inside my head because I was losing so much blood."

There was a long period of silence and I was almost sure Finnick had fallen asleep.

"I think it was real," he murmured finally.

"You do?" I asked.

"I do," he confirmed.

"Finnick?" I whispered.

"Yeah," he replied.

"Kiss me," I murmured, "please."

"If you say so," he grinned.

***
Kind of a rubbish chapter
Sorry xx
Thanks for reading ❤️❤️