I Want What I Can't Have

Knives Out

I suddenly jumped up breathing heavily. I'd a nightmare. I felt my body being brought into a familiar chest and I immediately relaxed as my breathing returned to normal.

"Where were you?" I whispered, "you weren't here last night."

"Sorry darling," Finnick whispered.

"You should be," I said.

"You're cute when you're sleeping though," he smirked.

"Shut up," I said, feeling the blush creep onto my cheeks.

"What you are!" He said.

***
"Is Jo coming?" Finnick asked as we walked to meet the others.

"Hmmm," I responded, "I spoke to her yesterday."

The same group from our last meeting with Coin stood outside a room probably waiting for Finnick and me to turn up. Not that I cared.

"Today we're working on our training," Coin said, "Show us what you want to do to him, who first?"

"I'll go," I smiled.

"Go ahead, show us your frustration, pretend the punchbag is Snow," she said.

I smiled wider as I walked into the small space. She didn't have to tell me twice. A singular punch bag stood in the middle, representing Snow. I screamed for around 15 seconds until my throat went raw and tender. The sound, as you can image, was horrific.

Then I began to abuse the punch bag. I had picked up a lot of self-defence so I kicked and punched the bag until the sand slowly flowed out at a slow pace. I then grabbed the knife set that sat on the side and threw five at the bag , pinning it to the wall but keeping the sixth knife on the table. I grabbed the arrows and crossbows and launched them at the nearly empty punch bag. I walked slowly back over to the table and lifted the final knife and made a quick slit across my hand. Blood immediately flowed from the open wound and I smeared it across the remains of the punchbag. Laughing I turned around and through the knife without looking hitting the punchbag's 'heart'.

"I'm done," I smiled at Coin.

Haymitch couldn't contain his laughter and Finnick wore a grin which I had missed seeing. Even Gale was chuckling under his breath now. Johanna high fived my bloody hand allowing the crimson liquid to spread all over her palm. The the others all took a turn, Katniss using her bows and arrows, Gale his crossbow, Finnick his trident and Johanna her axes. Though after hers Johanna she needed to retire to the hospital in which she remained for the next few days.

***
Katniss and I stayed later to train after that. I needed my strength back up. I was weak from the Capitol. I needed my muscle back. My knife skills and reflexes were as good as nee of course but I needed to work in my self-defence, swimming and archery. I has asked Katniss to help me shoot and in return I'd help her throw knives accurately.

"We'll start with archery," she said.

"So you can show off?" I joked.

"Exactly," she smirked back, "come on grab a bow and arrow."

"What one's are they again?" I asked her to piss her off.

"Do you want to know what they feel like?" she giggled.

I smiled as I grabbed a bow and arrow from the big stack.

"Right, so you have to be very focussed and you have to be confident in what you're doing," she said, "get you're arrow in line with the target and make sure it's where you want it. Focus, be confident and then let go. Like this..."

She demonstrated a slowed version of I'd get to grips with the technique. I attempted to do as she said and my arrow went flying and hit a few inches from centre target.

"That was incredible," she smiled, "people who've trained her for ages can't do that, that well!"

"Thanks," I smiled, grabbing another arrow.

I tried again and again and again until my hands were red raw. Each time Katniss would correct me and make sure I was doing it right. I got quite a few bullseyes by the end of it.

"My time to shine now," I smiled, throwing her a set of knives.

"You're so full of yourself!" She joked.

"I love my big head!" I laughed.

"We know," she chuckled back.

"Right, throwing these is a lot harder than it looks," I said, "if your hands are sweaty you're dead. The knife will slip out of your hand and your shot is buggered."

"Okay so don't sweat, that's easy," she giggled

"Exactly," I smiled, "right so then you position yourself comfortably and angle your arm slight backwards on the diagonal side and throw it with all your power."

I took three knives and hurled them at the three targets hitting bullseyes all three times. Katniss wasn't half bad at it either. She, like me in archery, managed quite a few bullseyes. Once we were both tired and worked to our limits we came out together. For a while we just sat in silence but I was surprised about what conversation silence could bring up.

"I'm confused," she murmured.

"Confused?" I questioned.

"About who I love," she explained.

"I don't think I follow," I said.

"I always thought it was Gale. Everyone did. I mean it made sense right? We grew up together, we were similar and we cared cared about each other. But then I was reaped and I really thought I was going to die. Then I realised I'd have to play the star crossed lovers card is I wanted to survive so I did. I kissed Peeta cared for him and we won. But then we just came back to twelve and ignored each other. Gale was angry because he thought my acting was a little too real so I kissed him. But it wasn't the same as when I'd kissed Peeta. Not in a good way but not in a bad way either. It was confusing. Then the Quell happened and suddenly, well I don't know what happened but I think I fell in love with Peeta. I was so scared when he nearly died. And that last kiss on the beach was so real. But I heard Gale's screams from the Jabberjays, I mean that means something right? I went practically feral when I realised they hadn't rescued Peeta and every time I saw him on that screen I just bawled my eyes after. But I kept telling myself that I loved Gale and that I was upset about Peeta because he was my friend. But I think, and I know it's selfish, but I think I love them both. I mean who in their right mind could love two men at one?"

"Well personally my love life so far has been shit because I'm horrible at this stuff," I laughed, "I've only just got the hang of it, but what I do know is that's it's okay to be confused."

"Yeah but it just sound so bad, you know," she sighed, "like it's the least of people's concerns if I'm conflicted a bit love."

"No, no it's not," I said, "you need to stop listening to Coin, she knows nothing. Be confused. Here's what I think. In the end it'll be one of them you marry and they'll be a reason why. But for now, love them both."

***
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