I Want What I Can't Have

Visits To The Dead

I kept falling in and out of consciousness. Darkness was a constant visitor. But when he left the lights were so white. They hurt my eyes. Where was I? There was no pain in the back of my head anymore. I couldn't feel my body, only numbness remained. I fell into darkness again. I kept hearing voices. Some I recognised but some I'd never heard before.

"Flaire."

No that voice was too familiar.

"Flaire."

He was dead.

"Flaire."

Was I dead?

"Flaire?"

My lips parted and I found myself replying, "yes."

I waited, one beat, two beats. The voice didn't return. I was going mad. I was loosing my mind. The lights burned again, until I fell into the empty void again.

"Flaire."

No I could definitely hear it. The sound was too clear. I looked around but no figure could be seen.

"Find me Flaire."

A gasp was set free from my mouth. It was him.

"I can't see anything," I said, "where are you?"

"Find me Flaire."

"Where do I look?" I asked.

"Find me Flaire."

"I don't understand," I groaned, "how am I meant to find you in the pitch black."

"Find me Flaire."

His voice was all around, present in both ears. It was so loud and clear and just seemed to be all around. There was no one direction I could follow it to. It pained me more than anything to know that my brother was here but I couldn't save him. Just like before.

"Please Flaire."

"I don't know how," I murmured, my voice unsteady, "I don't know how."

"Find me. I know you can. Now you have to know you can."

"But I-"

I caught myself. I wasn't the kind of girl to just sit here and give up, that wasn't me. I began to frantically run around in the darkness, waving the my arms out to feel for people or surfaces. Suddenly I came into contact with something hard. It yelled out.

"Oh god I'm sorry," I said quickly.

"It's quite alright," the voice smiled, it sounded old and withered.

A flickering sort of sound was heard and all of sudden in front of me was an old man with a match in between his forefinger and thumb, giving me a toothy grin.

"You seem awful young to be here," he remarked.

"Where is here?" I asked.

"That doesn't matter right now my dear," he replied, "you look lost."

"I'm trying to find my brother," I said, "I can hear his voice but can't find him."

"Stage one," he whispered.

"What?" I questioned.

"Here I'll take you," he offered, "your brother is probably in the waiting room."

"At the hospital?" I said, "no he couldn't be, he's dead."

"I assure you, he is," the old man nodded.

I took his bony hand and followed him by the light of a match to a white door. Funny thing was, from all my frantic searching in the dark, I hadn't come across it.

"We won't be needing this," he winked, blowing out his match.

The door was flung open to reveal whiteness. The brightness reminded me of the burning lights from earlier. Maybe they were the same. On white chairs sat people, dressed in white. Some looked like they were praying, some smiling, some crying. I turned to thank the old man but he was no longer behind me. He was gone.

"You found me."

That's when I saw him. My beautiful brother. I couldn't stop the pool of tears from spilling over the edge when my eyes became too overfilled to take it anymore. His arms were wide and open and believe me when I said I fell into them. I sobbed and he sobbed.

"Felix," I sniffed, "how am I seeing you again? You're dead."

"I am indeed dead," he whispered.

"Then why can I see you? Feel you?" I asked.

"Miracles happen," he shrugged.

I pulled away from the embrace. I analysed his face. It was alike to my own in so many way, apart from the eyes.

"You look the same," I murmured.

"And you're all grown up," he grinned, "I've watched you."

"Creepy much," I joked.

"Finnick seems nice," Felix said.

"You've seen Finnick!" I exclaimed happily.

"Of course," he nodded.

"Where Mum? And Freya?" I asked.

"They're on the other side of that door," he said, pointing to a large red door.

"Can we go and see them?" I asked excitedly.

Felix exhaled and looked at me, his eyes sad.

"What is it?" I murmured.

"Flaire if we go through that door, there is no turning around," he explained, "I am not miraculously alive, I am still dead. So is Mum and so is Freya. We're all dead. I have been allowed to come and meet you here, in the waiting room. Usually, it is to take you with me..."

No that couldn't be true. It was all lies. Lies provoked by my madness.

"I'm dead!" I yelled.

"You're dying," he sighed.

"Dying!" I screeched, "dying! How can I be dying? I don't remember-"

"You fell back in the mob, the back of time head smashed on the ground, you were bleeding out," he explained.

"All I can remember is being tired," I said.

"You were tired because your body was shutting down," he said softly, "but now you can make the choice."

"No, no, no, no," I breathed, "I've read this in books, now you make me choose between life and death. This is my madness talking, I'm schizophrenic. You are not really talking to me, it's all in my mind, like my nightmares, I-"

"Flaire, look at me," he whispered, bringing to face to look at his, "this is real. Death does not let many people cheat him, but he chose you. You are the lucky one."

"Lucky!" I scoffed, "this isn't lucky! How can I be expected to choose whether I live or die? That's Death's job, can't he just do it?"

"Apparently you're value is so great that it is your choice," my brother shrugged.

"But I'm choosing between you, Mum and Freya or Finnick, Johanna and all the others down there," I murmured, "how can I do that?"

"Only you can know," he said shakily, "So I'll ask you once, do you want to continue with me or do you choose to live?"

I wrapped my arms around him and let the last of my tears fall onto his torso. He tucked the hair away from my eyes and nodded. I held his hand and he stepped through the red door first...

***
Idek what this chapter was
But why did it break my heart 💔💔
Anywaysssss love you guys, thanks for the support