Dean x Reader

I Lost Myself Again

Genre: fluff, emotional, angst
Imagine: Dean noticing you aren't fine
Warning‼️: Self harm, blood

Lately, you've been acting different, you know you are, you just have hoped no one would notice.. From what you have been able to tell, Sam is treating you normally, and it doesn't seem like he thinks anything's different which is good. Dean on the other hand, he has been more gentle around you, and more caring. This isn't like him at all, yes he cares about you all that, but he loves making jokes and saying stupid shit, so him being like this is completely out the ordinary. You'd rather it be Sam that notices instead of Dean because, you don't want him thinking less of you, it already hurts that he hasn't reciprocated any feelings toward you, you don't want him making fun of you or seeing you any differently. Dean has been checking up on you more often, and hugging you a lot. Tonight you sit in your room, looking at the fresh cuts you've made on your forearm, noticing it's more blood then usual, you now feeling lightheaded. You make your way quietly to the bathroom and clean the cuts before patching yourself up, which you don't do often. When you see yourself in the mirror, you see everything that's wrong with you, all the scars, the cuts, the fat, everything. You start crying slightly, feeling all of the pain and stress, everything in your life, wether it be your self image issues, the depression, your anxiety, it all gets to you. You come out the bathroom after calming down, and quickly go to your room to put a hoodie on, hoping neither boys see you. You close your door behind you, putting on the hoodie, and laying in bed with all the lights off, not to go to sleep, just to rest, you're so tired you just need a break. After a bit you hear footsteps approaching your door, someone knocks so you tell them to come in, it's Dean.

"Hey, first question, why are you just laying in the dark?"

"Just felt like it." He makes his way over to your bed sitting next to you.

"Ok, uhm, why was the first aid kit out with wrappers from the gauze and alcohol wipes?"

"I- I don't know, why don't you ask Sam?"

"Y/n.. Stop lying, please. I already asked Sam, he said he just heard you come from there."

"I just get a scrape and it was kinda deep."

"If that we're true you wouldn't of tried to lie the first time... Babygirl, what's going on? I'm not an idiot, I notice you being different, sleeping longer, staying in your room, barely talking. And now this. Please talk to me."

"Dean I promise you I'm fine."

"No you're not, I just want to help. I care about you, ok? More than you think."

"I'm begging you, please drop it." He puts his hand in yours and interlaces y'all's fingers.

"I'm not gonna drop it. I promise it'll be ok, I'm not gonna make fun of you or anything, whatever you think i'd say or do to make you feel bad, you're wrong." You now sitting up, right next to him.

"Dean." You being on the verge of tears, your voice cracking, and breath shaking. He respond by brushing his thumb back and forth on your hand, squeezing slightly. "I-I'm just so tired lately, like mentally j-just exhausted.. I hate the way I look, everything in me is saying to just end it. My anxiety gets so bad and I have no idea how to control it. I'm just so hard, but it's really difficult." You now crying, which Dean can notice. He scoots closer to you and puts his arm around you, pulling you towards him.

"That doesn't explain the bathroom situation."

"I'm not gonna tell you about that. You don't want or need to know."

"Yes I do, I need to know so I can help you stop whatever's going on."

"I've, been, cutting myself. It numbs it all." He tightens his grip around you, and kisses the top of your head.

"Babygirl." He whispers.

"I'm sorry. Please don't tell anyone."

"If you think I would you obviously don't know me that well sweetheart." You uncontrollably just start sobbing in his arms. It's not only because, you've finally got to let it out, it's also because, he's been so sweet and caring with you, like he loves you type of caring, which you never thought you'd witness. He just sits there and holds you, gently brushing through your hair a couple times. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No, I do-don't know."

"Ok, it's ok, I got you." You eventually start hugging around him, leaning into his touch.

"Can you stay in here with me tonight?"

"Of course I can babygirl. Anything for you."

"I'm really sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, I promise."

"So you don't hate me? Or think of me differently?"

"No sweetheart I don't."

"Promise?"

"Yes I promise.... Mind if I get up to change clothes real quick?"

"In a minute."

"Ok baby." He whispers, leaving another kiss on your head. He grabs your leg and puts it over his, helping him bring you closer to him. He takes his right hand, the hand that isn't wrapped around you, and brushes your hair back lightly before resting his hand back on your lower thigh close to your knee.

"You can go change now." You say quietly, still not moving.

"Ok sweetheart, I'll be right back." You now move off of him, laying back down. A few minutes later Dean comes back to your room, with sweatpants, and one of his t shirts on. He lays beside you, you without thinking cuddle up right next to him, laying your head on his chest, his arm wrapped back around you again. You tangle your leg with his, letting out a tired sigh. "Y/n. Can I tell you something?"

"Yea of course."

"I love you. More than ever." You giggle a little bit. "Why are you giggling?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. I love you too handsome."

"Seriously what we're you laughing about?"

"I've wished for months you would say that. Eventually I gave it up, so I don't know, just found it a bit funny."

"Really?"

"Yes really."

"Kiss me."

"Gladly." With that, you lean up and kiss him. It's a gentle but passionate kiss, telling y'all everything words just can't. When you pull away you lay just as you were before. Wincing from the pain of your arm. After a moment Dean talks again.

"Do you mind me asking, how did you patch up your arm?"

"Dean... Drop it."

"I just wanna make sure you didn't mess it up."

"I just wiped it with alcohol and put gauze over it."

"Alright get up let's go to the bathroom."

"What.. Why?"

"Because you didn't patch yourself up right." He now gets up and sticks his hand out to help you up.

"Only if you carry me there."

"Fine.. Come here." Dean then picks you up, your wrap your legs around his waist and your arms around your neck, you lay your head in the crook of his neck after pulling your hood above your head. When y'all get to the bathroom, he sits you down on the counter and carefully pulls your sleeve up, he patches you up correctly. He picks you back up and carries you back to bed, except to his room now.

"Thank you."

"Of course babygirl." He hugs you from behind, holding you tightly and close to him as y'all drift to sleep.

~A.M