Love of a Sinner

Ch 39 - Still pt.1

Jiwook stayed.

He stayed for a long time.

He stayed after his father succeeded to coerce his unmovable, stone-frozen mother to slowly lean to him and he took her away. He seemed to hesitate the last moment, like he wanted to say or do something, or perhaps he felt like he had to do something, yet had no idea what exactly. He didn't sigh, even his breathing was too quiet, like all the life force vanished from them both and he too didn't make any sound for Jiwook to pick up and interpret. Nothing. Stillness.

Only muffled steps slowly fading out of the room.

Jiwook stayed.

He stayed a long while after Taemin left as well. The other was so shaken, Jiwook heard it through the way he moved himself. So slowly. Painfully slow. He didn't say anything either, and seemed to just go without his father's hesitation in his steps or to turn to Jiwook. He left like he couldn't see anyone and anything around him.

Jiwook stayed still there.

There, where his father slapped him for the first time and it stung. Not the wound. His father's voice.

There, where his mother kissed his hand on her knees and smiled at him perhaps for the last time and it hurt. Because he didn't see it. He didn't see the boundless love for him in her eyes all those years. Blind then, more than now. Only now he felt it, with her trembling hands tightly holding his.

The love that seemed to shatter Taemin.

There, where Taemin was ready to lie for him. He felt it in the stillness and unwillingness to answer, to hurt any of them, so clear in the tension of his body. There, where Taemin called for mother.

There, where Siwon wasn't.

There, where the sunlight didn't warm him anymore.

There, where he lost his home forever.

...where he didn't want to leave.

For a long, long time.

Someone made him stand later, yet his trembling legs gave out under him. He was put in a wheelchair and they talked to him. They made a short check up on him and he might had been vaguely aware that it was the nurse in charge of him. He was nodding absentmindedly to their questions. He even muttered an "I'm-tired" and they left him to rest. He stayed inertly further so for a while.

Until he didn't.

He took his pillow and stepped towards the bathroom in his room, hitting his hand just a few times on his way. He went in shower fully dressed with pillow in hand, letting cold water run over him. Then he felt iciness seeking deeply in his bones, freezing his blood and numbing his heart, he closed it. He glided down and fell, lifting his knees to his chest.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

Don't forgive me Siwon...

Mother... I'm so sorry... Father...

Siwon... I miss you, I miss you so much...

His tears were hidden in his wet face, wet hair and clothes, wet pillow. He brought it closer and muffled his face.

He screamed.

Again and again.

He chocked once, unable to breathe, fighting another attack.

Then twice... and thrice... until he couldn't make the difference between his crying, words, screams, gasps and chocking. It all hurt the same.

He let himself grieve. The last time.