𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐞| 𝗆𝖺𝗋𝖼𝗎𝗌 𝖻𝖺𝗄𝖾𝗋

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞

( 𝗂𝗍𝗌 𝖺 𝖿𝖺𝖼𝖾 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝖺 𝗆𝖺𝗌𝗄 )

Trigger Warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts, self harm, panic attacks.

IT'S NOT LIKE GWEN WANTED to hurt herself. She hated doing it, but she felt like she needed something to punish herself in a way. As if the pain was something she deserved for feeling the things she felt.

On the outside, everyone thought she was put together, designer clothes that made her look smart and clean, hair that was always kept to a perfect curl, perfect straight teeth that were whiter than Maxine's complexion, make up that hid her acne scars that she hated so much.

Pink plump lips that held everyone's attention when she spoke.

But at night, when Marcus leaves, and everyone is asleep, she walked over to her desk and pulls out the blade hidden in her drawer. She examines its perfection and its precision.

As she fiddles with it she finally pulls up her shirt that covers her upper thigh, and gently places the blade to the scared soft skin. She begins to think. Is this really necessary? Do I have to do this?.

She already had scars, some were faded, others still red and irritated. As she added some pressure she felt the skin rip and slid it across her thigh. It was painful, but she got used to it, so she did another, and another, and another, until she finally shed a tear of pain and sadness.

The blood running down her thigh, feeling the warmth against her skin. As she stared at her thing, she then paid attention to the blade in her hand. Red. Red and slightly covered with her blood.

It wasn't until she saw her reflection in the mirror next to her did she realize she did it again. It all felt not real. Like she wasn't herself, like she was watching from above, looking down, seeing herself do these things.

It all snapped back, she was in her body again and she felt her heart rate rise up, she felt her breath get shallow, her eyes began to get cloudy with her tears as she now felt all of the pain, physical and emotional. She couldn't breath, she couldn't feel, see, anything.

It was like she was drowning in herself. She dropped the blade, not even hearing it clank against her wooden desk. She backed away until she hit her bed and sat down. Her hands and body began to shake. She didn't know what to do.

She kept trying to breathe but couldn't, she couldn't do anything. She's never felt this hopeless. It was until after a few minutes did her breathing calm down.

What was a few minutes felt like hours for her. Gwen thought she was going to die. As Gwen's breathing came back to normal along with her heart, she gently stood up and wiped away her tears.

She felt like a robot. Like that whole episode took everything out of her. She felt empty. She felt nothing. When Gwen made it to her bathroom she grabbed a cloth and wet it with warm water. She gently dabbed at the blood on her thigh, looking at the new cuts, she knew they would heal eventually, and then the process would begin again.

After it was cleaned she rinsed the cloth and saw the blood mix with the water and go down the drain did she feel like there was a sort of weight off her shoulders. She let everything go. Every feeling, ever problem, every pressure, everything, she got rid of it in four swipes on her thigh.