Kryptonite

Chapter 33 - Dear Daddy

Toni
It had been a month since everything had happened. At first, I thought that I could deal with this at home but after a week, I told Janet that I needed to go somewhere and get help. She found a great inpatient program for women who were groomed.

It was hard at first and I did think about leaving but Janet told me I had to push through. She's been my biggest supporter. I talk to her on my day to make my phone calls and she's always so proud of me. Family day was coming and I was so excited to see her. "Toni!"

"Yes!" Two of the women came into the room.

"It's time for group." I didn't go at first but now I had gotten a lot more comfortable. I sat my notebook down and grabbed my therapy folder. "So did you talk to Janet yesterday?" asked a lady named Phylicia.

"Yeah. She's coming tomorrow."

"That's great." said Phylicia's sister Debby. They came in here together after they finally got away from their father. "I know how much she loves you." I blushed. "Aww." We walked into the room. We all sat at the round table.

"Hello ladies. Nice to see you all here." The group leader was a lady named Tracia. She had been groomed by her father and uncles. She started the program because there wasn't enough support for this problem. "Okay, so today's topic is going to be closure. Do we all know what closure is?"

"Yes!" We all answered.

"Good. That's what we're going to work on today. Now we all share a battle and that is being able to deal with what has happened to us. One way to do that is by getting out our feelings towards the person and admitting the things we don't want to admit. Of course we can't always do that because the person has either passed on or will take advantage of that moment. So what are some things we wish we could say?" I didn't want to say mine because they would all think I'm crazy so I just let others go.

"I wish I could tell my groomer that he took away the best years of my life. I watched all of my peers go to prom and have fun while I was at home being pregnant with his babies. Now I have these children that look to me for guidance but I don't know what to tell them." The woman cried. Those next to her rubbed her back and soothed her.

"I want to tell my uncle that he ruined my ability to trust. I don't know who is trying to care for me or hurt me."

"My brother ruined me. I can't even enjoy intimate moments with my husband without having flashbacks to him using me. I sometimes get worried that my husband will leave me because of it."

"That's all great. You guys are healing. Does anyone else want to share? This is a safe space, you guys." I raised my hand. "Toni! Great! We're here for you."

"Well umm. I want to tell my father that he's messed up my perception of love. Because despite everything he's done for me....I still love him. I disgusts me to say that but as a little girl my safest moments were with him and I developed a strong love for him. Romantic included." I looked around as the other women looked at me.

"That's a big thing to admit and don't feel ashamed. A lot of women feel this way. Right ladies?" All the ladies nodded.

"I still love my uncle. My first everything was with him and it wasn't a bad experience. I felt comforted and safe. Even though I know what he did was wrong."

"Exactly! My girlfriend, Janet, told me that and I was so mad at her for it. She told me that my father was my first love and I didn't want to admit it. But now I know that it's true because the minute I felt unloved, I thought about him and went to him."

"You did?"

"Yeah. I drove from New York to Maryland. I saw him and he said that he loved me and it made me feel amazing but when he started kissing and touching me, I got scared and pushed him off me."