an organized mess of redacted asmr

i lied, here's another self-insert (UNFINISHED)

i'm not doing great rn besties.

update: i'm fine now. i was just having a moment (fuk u menstruation :/) and seriously needed comfort from my favorite fire boi
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that stupid, awful feeling just won't go away. no matter how much stupid, sad music i listen to, no matter how many stupid tears i end up spilling, it won't. go. away.

stupid, stupid, stupid.

why do i keep doing this to myself? whenever it happens, i keep telling myself that it'll always end like this, yet i stupidly decide 'maybe it'll be different this time!'

like a liar.

so now i lay here on my bed, staring up at my ceiling and wallowing in a spiral of my own sadness and pity.

what a way to spend my saturday.

the door softly clicks open and i quickly pull the nearest pillow over my face, as if that would make my entire existence disappear. i hold my breath, silently hoping whoever just opened my door wouldn't see my chest rising and falling from under my pile of blankets.

"that trick may work on hux or the airhead, but i know you're in here," he speaks quietly, as if speaking at his normal volume will scare me away like a timid animal.

with a shaky breath, i roll onto my side, so my back faces him. maybe he'll take the hint this time and just leave me to cry it out on my own like always, but he's more stubborn than i like to remember.

the floor creaks gently under his feet as he tentatively walks over to where i'm buried in my blankets. i feel the mattress dip beside me, but i clutch my blanket tighter and bite back another wave of selfish tears, refusing to turn and face him.

"you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. but you know that i'm here if you do." he pauses, trying to gauge any kind of reaction from me. "always."

when i don't respond, his hand gently pulls at the corner of the pillow still laying across my face, "can we at least move the pillow?"

i sigh deeply, hating how my voice cracks, dehydrated from all the crying i'd just finished doing, "fine."

"thank you."

his voice is sincere. why? all i did was tell him that he could move the pillow blocking my face from him.