Until forever ends

Thirty four

As I slice my wrist open again and again when I realise I can't live without him. I know I couldn't since the funeral. I don't want to live without him and only these drugs to keep me company. It's the only thing that makes me feel something at this time. With the razor blade I crush the pills up into powder. With my old school pass I make lines. And snort it up. Whatever will be it but I don't want to live my life. I never had been happy in 5 years before I met Jay. And Jay is gone! Goddamn it. I throw some more booze into my throat, i scratch over closed up scabs and more blood runs over my arms. The nights are so long and nothing has been the same. Ryan and Hayley try fighting for each other and for the baby. Jade never really knew Jay so she has no difficulty moving on from anything. Lou is turning into a ghost but at least she's not pretending she's not fine. I haven't heard a single thing from Maya. Damn it Maya why don't I hear something from you. My breathing gets heavier and quickly I snort another line up. As I throw my head into my neck I start softly laughing. How pathetic, I never got this before so why can't I just live without my boy. This isn't freaking Romeo and Juliet. But damn do I understand those two now, this hurts too damn much for me not to understand it. I always thought those two were some pathetic romantics but no. They loved each other so much they didn't want to be apart ever again. God Jayden why did you had to be my forever?! Why did the guy who ended up dead become the love of my fucking life. It's so messed up and yet everything is so beautiful. Because when it comes down to it all, what I hoped would be impossible. My body ached for sleep. But I didn't want to give it. Scared for the nightmares. But life is a bigger nightmare than all of them combined so I just crawl in bed with a plan on my mind.

This would be my last day. I would end everything tomorrow. One last school day and tomorrow everything will be over. The letter would have the date of tomorrow above it. Everything would be done afterwards. With those thoughts I step onto my skateboard and go to school. I never really thought about how my teachers at school could see me until today. Because today is the last day they were going to see me. Alive at last. I didn't want it to turn out this way. We were all supposed to stand at each other's weddings but it's too late for that. I list everything down I need tomorrow. And now we're just going to live through today.

"This was a good idea!" Lou puts her arm through mine and we go to the park. We both have a free period and went for ice-cream. "I needed this. I really like this." I smile at Lou and she smiles back while we settle underneath one of the trees blocking us from the late summer sun. "Want to go to the movies tonight?" I ask, hoping I could spend the last evening alive with my favourite person. "Yeah! Let's go ask Ty with us. Could be fun!" "Sure!" Lou texts Tyler. And I just put my head on her stomach. Lou's hand starts playing with my hair and I enjoy the day as far as you can enjoy your last day. After a bit we head back to school for our last classes and Lou takes me out for fries.

"So what movie are we going to?" "No idea." "Spiderman homecoming!" "Okay Ty we get it. You love spiderman." "Who doesn't?!" "Okay, true!" Tyler sticks his arms out and we put our hands through them. Like the gentlemen Ty is he pays for our tickets but of course we are going to pay him back. Lou gets us popcorn while I get the drinks. Tyler is looking for our seats and once we have all the snacks collected we find him. And of course, we post a picture on socials of us in the movie theatre. The first part of the movie is great! Like it's so good! In the break Lou and I make Tyler take pictures of us with the movie boards and posters that are in the theatre. When I rush into the bathroom tears roll down my face. I don't want to hurt them. I really don't want to but it has been enough. The fight has been long enough. Because all I want is peace. With the back of my hand I wipe away my tears and head back to my friends. My family. "So ty, when is the date with Brandon going to happen?" Lou smirks and I join in the smirking at Tyler. "Guys! Really? We're just talking on snap it's nothing big." "But you want it to be bigger. Don't you?" Ty is getting red but just hides behind the popcorn. "No need to get shy about! It's fine!" Before we can keep on messing with him the movie starts up again. The movie itself is good, really recommending even when one isn't too big on marvel movies. Lou drives me home but we take the long road so we can have a bit of a late night road-trip. I mean it would be the shortest road-trip ever. "I love you. Thank you for tonight I had great fun!" I hug Lou before getting out but she stops me. "Kyr, I love you. You became my best friend in the whole world. I know when you need some fun. Take a good night rest and I'll see you tomorrow!" "See you!" I hug her one last time and kiss her gentle on the cheek. Quickly I leave the car and rush up the stairs.

With tears in my eyes I start writing the note and place everything I need tomorrow. The drugs I all still had left I throw it away. The last 12 hours of my life I would live sober. Alone and maybe in so much pain I want to die but I will stay sober. Before midnight I crawl into my bed and try to find sleep.