Until forever ends

Thirty one

The rest of the week I spend in bed again. This time I do text people. But I spend my days scrolling over Instagram and watching old videos. I come out of bed for dinner but fill a plate to take upstairs. Barely touching the food. When I know everyone has left I sneak more alcohol into my room. The bottles add up into about 6 empty bottles and 2 bottles half full. I can't stand this. My feelings are back and I hate them. So I drink. I drink until I feel nothing. I hadn't touched the pills. Wouldn't touch those. Only if I can't stop and the alcohol isn't enough I would step down so far. But not yet. And beside all this, today is a different day. I have to get out to get school supplies. To face people. So I kick the blankets off, throw water in my face and put on the same clothes I wore to Maya's goodbye. For once I don't go into my car but take my skateboard out of the shed. With headphones in I go to the city. Not even said goodbye to Sebastian. The wind feels cool but the cold is enough to help me not to feel. I just focus on the cold. The skate is barely 30 minutes. But those 30 minutes feel like the worst combination between heaven and hell. My head is pounding but I finally free of everything I once felt. I have to focus on skating and the cold makes this even better. My brain is just empty. Well besides the craving for alcohol and hunger. I'll eat something in city. First I visit a couple stores for new notebooks, art supplies to have on hand when classes get boring. Or to just draw whenever I feel like it.

For lunch I find a cute restaurant a bit out of downtown but close enough to return to it after I'm done eating. I order fries and a burger, trying to enjoy the small things in live again. It is delicious and then I see an application form. "Is that spot still open?" I ask the waitress. "Yes it is, you interested?" "I mean, what are you looking for?" "Someone who can work weekends as a waiter. I can bring a file over you could fill in if you like." "That would be lovely." I show her a soft smile and she brings me the paper with a pen. When I pay for the food I also hand her the file. "We'll give you a call." "Thanks." After I leave the restaurant I go back down town. I spent the rest of the afternoon shopping. It is quite relaxing just to out by yourself. When I step into a store I see something dope. What the hell, let's do it. I pay for the blue hair dye and continue to go to a clothing store where I buy a pair of new shorts and a couple hoodies. The most random combination. After that I go to the bookstore. I should come by more often again. I hadn't been there for over a month. A month not being in my favourite place is a lot. I somehow managed to look around and stare at books for over an hour. That's when I get a dumb idea. I go to the movie theatres and go to a movie by myself. Things I would've done with Jayden but he's not here so I have to do them by myself. And try to enjoy them by myself as well. An old Disney movie is playing in fifteen minutes. I buy a ticket to Aladdin and go to the popcorn after that. This brings back so many good memories I can't even begin listing it all down. Well at least today wasn't as shitty as the rest of the past month was. When the movie is done I skate back home and decide to dye my hair. Only the ends but it looks pretty fucking cool. I wash my hair and let it blow-dry. Damn, that looks so cool with my brown hair.

After I eat dinner downstairs with the family again, I hadn't spoken a word there but I was there, I sit down at my desk. I just watch a TV show until it's dark and I should actually go to bed. But before that I pack my bag for tomorrow. I only throw some pens and a notebook inside. Tomorrow school starts again. Damn it, no matter how okay today was. Life still fucking hurts. I hadn't been at school after he. He fucking killed himself. God fucking damn it all the hurt and pain I felt is back. School without Jayden is like the day without the sun. It doesn't matter anymore. I sink down into the chair at my desk. My hands hold the pills in them. Without thinking I pulled my razorblade out and crush the pills down. I think about stopping for a second but snort the powder up again. I hadn't realised how much I missed this feeling. The feeling of being out if your own head again. Having nothing to care about. I climb on the roof and start writing. This time it isn't much of a poem. More just random words and thoughts I had to get out on paper. If they're stuck in my head it's like nothing is there but those thoughts. Nothing even makes sense so I scrunch up the paper and throw it away. Nothing makes sense anymore. What is life worth?! Nothing is ever going to make it stop hurting. So why would I even bother to try? Maybe I should. For my mum and for Jade. And Jess and Hayley. Maybe I should try even though I do not want to try. Tears come from my eyes and I sit outside until the sun starts coming up. I climb inside and lay in bed for an hour until its 07.30 and time to get out of bed. Time to go the hell called school.