Until forever ends

Thirty two

On the way to school I pick Lou up and we talk about our weekends. "Want to do something tonight? We haven't hung out for a while." "Sure thing. What you want to do?" "Friends binge watch? We can just put on our favourite episodes." "Sounds great! Right after school?" "Obviously." "Great. I'm done at 2:30 pm. How about you?" "Same time. See you in lunchbreak?" "Yeah. See you!" We go our separated ways and join our classes. Everyone looks at me when I walk into class. I'm not late, the half isn't even here yet. But everyone looks at me with pity. "Morning Kyra." The teacher asks me. He is new. I hadn't seen him before. "How do you know my name and I don't know yours?" "Because your boyfriend killed himself and people talk." Someone shouts through the class. "Oh shut the fuck up. Nobody likes you anyway." I shout right back. "I shall introduce myself, I'm Mr Williams. I'm your English teacher for the year." "So no more Mr Olivers?" "You haven't heard? He moved away this summer and now teaches somewhere across the state." "Oh damn. Did we bully him?" I sit down while the rest of the class starts discussing Mr Olivers. I'm already bored before class actually started. I look over at the wall. All the old small drawings I made last year are painted over. That's too bad I put damn much effort into it.

When the entire class arrives Mr Williams introduces himself further and asks us to do the same. The typical icebreaker. That one sucks. We all know that basically everyone hates icebreakers. And yet teachers somehow love them. Every year again with new teachers. Or at every start of the year. Why can't the teacher just have us tell our names and we'd be done. They can get to know us through the classes itself. Thank god the icebreaker time is over and he actually starts teaching. Out of boredom I just grab a book from my bag and start reading. I may have read it already multiple times but I will always have a thing for uprooted written by Naomi Novik. It was also my first introduction to smut as well as my current favourite book. "Miss Banks. Would you like to share with the class what your reading?" Oh fuck. I'm on chapter 27. Alright fuck it, I I start reading page 353 aloud. "Stop. Do not continue reading that in class." He tells me after he realises that it is smut. "But I thought you wanted me to share with the class." "Yeah no. You shouldn't read that in class. Or school for that matter." "It's not like I'm watching porn here." "No, you are reading it." "Yeah. It is very good stuff to read." "If you want to discuss smut later on, come visit. May I continue my lesson now?" "Yeah whatever. May I continue reading?" "No, put your book away in the bag. And please pay attention." "Do I have to?" "If you do not want detention. I would if I were you." I put my book in the bag and look at the board. He has written some dumb stuff om in and I roll my eyes. When it's lunchbreak I go into the bathroom and fish an old joint from my bag. It doesn't do much anymore but it's enough to get a small kick out of it.

After all the classes are done and the weed has been completely worked off I go to find Lou. We drive to her place and make tea. Lou pulls a box from a cabinet and I start laughing. "Let's do it." So we open the box and make the cookie dough while watching friends already. It's just chocolate chips but these are damn good cookies. We take them out of the oven and because we're dumb we already ate one. So of course we burned our mouths. We cuddle on the couch with tea and friends on the TV. We start with the thanksgiving episodes. Everything would be perfect today, watching a sitcom with your best friends. It would be perfect if I wasn't feeling haunted by memories of Jayden. Walking through school, studying in the library, quick hugs in the hallways, bringing each other to class. "Kyra, if you want to talk about him you can. You don't have to hide that you miss him." God how does she know that I was thinking about Jay. "I miss him Lou. I want him back. He was the first boy I ever loved and he made me feel alive. He made me feel so alive that I feel like I'm just a body with nothing inside." I spit it out. Lou holds me close to her and plays with my hair. "Let it all out." "I think he is an asshole for breaking up with me by killing himself!" I raised my voice and let all my feelings out. "I want him back to kill him myself and then, I want to kiss him and I want to scream at him. But most of all, I just want him back." My breathing get's heavier and heavier while Lou quietly sits and listens to all of it. She doesn't get scared by my shouts and just holds my hands. "Lou I feel betrayed and I feel alone. I hate this. I hate all of this. If everyone I love somehow and in some way hurts me, what is worth going on for?" "Because love is true and real and can hurt like hell but also like you said can make you feel alive." She's right. "Yeah." "It's okay to need time to heal and grief. It's okay to ask for help Kyra. If you can't face it alone we are all willing to help you." "Thank you." She holds me against me and let me cry out. "Maybe we should go talk to your therapist tomorrow." "Maybe."

Lou and I made dinner and afterwards I head home again. I crash the second pill I have and take it again. I don't want to feel anything reminded of today. All the memories can be erased for a bit. I don't cut today but I don't know if I can handle the pain. But maybe Lou is right, I don't have to do it alone. But I feel alone. I will always be alone someway. And again, I cry myself to sleep that night.