Until forever ends

Thirty three

"Thank you for coming in today, Kyra. I would've send you an email later this week but you're already come here yourself." "Yeah, sorry if it isn't a good time right now." "No, I have time. Sit down." I put my bag down and sit in the chair across her desk. "I read about Jayden. I'm sorry to hear. He was your first boyfriend wasn't he?" "He was. And I know it sounds cheesy but I loved him. As much as I can. Or well could." "You don't just stop loving someone Kyra. It's alright to need time." "His funeral was barely two weeks ago. I hate that I already have to be back in school." "That makes sense, but unfortunately since he wasn't official a family member I can't give you a couple days off." "Well that's bullshit." "I'm sorry but I don't make the rules in this school." "I know. Sorry I shouldn't become mean or rude. It isn't something you can do anything about." "No it's okay. It is very understandable to build up a wall for a bit. We do have a boxing set up in the gym. You know if you want we could probably ask if we could use it." "Oh that's fine. Thank you." "So, what exactly brought you to visit here?" "Lou thought it would be a good idea to continue our weekly meet ups at least for the first couple weeks or months. You know, to uh help me deal with the loss of Jay." "That is understandable. So how are you doing with it?" In a second I decide to tell her a short version of what happened after the funeral. "honestly, I barely ate and locked myself in my room until Hayley. My sister and Ryan both went off to college and I came to say goodbye. The day after I went to visit Maya, she also went off to college. And then I got back into bed until Sunday. I finally went out to get school supplies and so I spent my Sunday afternoon in the city shopping. I applied for a job in a small restaurant as a waitress." "That's good. Right?" "Yeah, I thought it was a good idea." "Good." We continue talking for a bit when my free hour is over and I have to head back to class. The rest of the school day I spend in quiet. I don't want to be reminded of Jayden. So I avoid the library as much as I can. I stopped reading there and now just sit in the cafeteria to read. Or I go for a walk. School is draining like it always was. But this time I don't have free hours with Jayden in the library anymore. No more Ryan to drive Lou and me to school. After classes around four I give Ryan a call.

"Hey Ry." "Hey Kyra, how are you doing?" "I'm doing okay. How are you?" "I'm fine. College is going great so far. But it isn't the same as high school with all of you. You guys made every school day worth way more." I laugh at that. "Well, we are very fun. I miss you here at home though." "Yeah I miss you too." "And the worst part, I have to drive myself to school again." "Seriously Kyr? You only think I'm good when you can use me didn't you?" "That's so not true." "Yes it is. I know your secrets Kyra." "Jesus Christ okay, if you say so. And want to believe that." "Ha ha. So why did you call?" "I'm just checking in on my best friend. And I needed someone to talk to. I uh saw my therapist again." "That's good! How did it go?" "It went fine, we talked about Jay." "Good." "I miss him Ryan." A part of me breaks. "I know you do." "I miss him so much and I can't do anything about it." "It's okay to miss him." "That is what everyone keeps telling me. But it doesn't change the fact that I miss him. It doesn't bring him back. And it doesn't change the fact that it hurts like hell." "I know it hurts. It really hurts. And to be honest with you, I'm also struggling with it. He was like my brother." "I know. You lost a family member and I lost the person who made me feel alive." "We can get through this Kyra. We will be okay." "I hope so Ryan. I hope so. Because if I don't I might actually." "No. Don't you dare think like that Kyra. You cannot think like that." "Ryan, I can't. I hate that nothing is changing. I hate that I keep feeling the same way and that way makes me feel like I want to give up." "You aren't going to give up. Do you hear me? We will keep fighting knives drawn and guns blazing." A soft chuckle comes from me. "Did you really just quote six of crows?" "I believe it's from crooked kingdom but yes, yes i quoted crooked kingdom." He starts laughing which makes me laugh. "Anyways, thank you for calling. Sending love, and don't try to kill Tyler with Lou please?" "Can't make any promises. Take care of Hails." "I will. Bye!" "Bye." He hangs up the phone and I smile a bit. It's good to hear his voice even though nothing really changed. It is always good to hear his voice.

A week passes by and nothing changes. I try fighting but I don't see the point in it. It feels worthless, without Jayden by my side. Everything feels worthless. A month passes by, it's now mid-September and people expect me to be back at my normal self but I can't. I don't want to. I have Lou and Tyler and I have my family but all the nights go the same and nothing changes anymore. I use drugs and I cut but nothing ever makes the pain go away until tonight.