Until forever ends

Twenty nine

The day after the funeral I got out of bed. Not spoken a word to anyone. I went out to the park and sat there in silence the whole day. When the sun went down I'm still here. Haven't eaten anything all day. I just sit and stare at the sky. I don't feel shit. Not like I want to feel. Life sucks and it takes. It breaks you until one day it stops. Until one day you realise you can't continue it and it ends. Or life itself kills you through time. Love sucks. When it comes down to it, love is worthless. Anyone who loves will end up getting hurt. Nobody can be capable of loving someone without getting hurt in the process. I know why Jay send me back home. To give up. Because he couldn't handle the pain. So now I'm here. With a lot of grief and feeling nothing. I stopped that feeling since the day he died. But yesterday, seeing him made me feel a bit. And it was terrible. On the way back home my mum calls. "I was out. Sorry." "You sure you want to be out already?" "Yeah. I'll leave a note next time or call you." "Thank you. See you soon at home." "See you." Next week we have to be back at school. Like it's nothing. I don't want to go back. Not yet. It feels useless. Why does a future have purpose. My future, the one I planned is gone. I don't want to put effort into school anymore. I don't care for anything. And why would I? My car pulls up in the driveway and I go inside of my house. "hey mum ." "Hey, honey. Where were you today?" "Out with Lou and Maya." "Alright, just let me know next time. Okay?" "Of course, mum." "Thank you." She pours me a drink and I take it. It is just juice but still. When she is in the bathroom I pull out the alcohol bottle nobody drinks and take it with me upstairs. I don't care if it's good or not. When it can drown out the memories that are in my brain it's good enough. I also take the wine bottle my mum bought for me that I am allowed to drink from at certain times and places. I hide both bottles in my nightstand. When the house has gotten quiet I start drinking.

My head is pounding when I wake up. it's a late morning. I turn around again before I close my eyes. Screw living I'm just going to stay here until dinner. Everyone can go suck it. I can't sleep but I keep my phone turned off and look to the ceiling. There are still pictures hanging on it. Ones before the darkness took a turn and changed our lives. I haven't had the energy to take them down. I don't even want them down. Like he is watching over me. "Screw you Jayden. You fucked me and killed yourself two days later. That is messed up. I hate you!" I scream at the pictures while throwing a random object I found upwards. "I hate the way you couldn't handle the pain. I hate the way you decided to step out of life and most of all I hate you because somehow through all that I don't hate you. I hate that I can't kiss you anymore. I hate that I love you." But nobody answers me. Because nothing is there to talk to me. For the day I stay in bed. I don't move I just think. Think about all the things that make life miserable. Because what point is there in it anyway. When you can't even try to be happy anymore. I don't feel happiness. What if I don't even deserve happiness. My life has been a living hell. And with that, at eleven at night I text my old dealer again. Not sure if I'm actually going to take it. But when just in case I have it. Again.

The deal happens like it always did. No talking, I hand the money over and the person hands me my pills. Not even two month clean. And I already am using again. Well I'm not using. I haven't been. I don't know if I want to use I just want to have some in case I can't handle the days. The rest of the day I spent outside in the park again. Around the spot Jay and I first met. Or well the one where I actually met all his friends. Which are now my friends. I lay on the grass facing the tree above my head. I stay here until my body is physically weak. Like I have wobbly legs and feel like I'm about to pass out. I go home and take a shower. The water is cold making me feel something at least. Beside the nothingness in my bones. I sleep for the night but am awoken before sunrise. I don't know what made me wake up this early. I just know that I hate it. Even with my eyes closed after I turned around again I can't find sleep. So I just get up, eat breakfast and fill a water bottle. Tomorrow Hayley is leaving for college again. She's almost eight weeks pregnant and heading off to college again. Like the bad bitch she is, she just goes back to studying. Like she isn't pregnant with a dude she barely knew back then. I can't imagine better parents. I hope the child finds better luck in life than I had. Somehow with those thoughts I start crying. Not that I feel any of it. I just cry. Like I have nothing better to do but cry. Quickly I wipe away my tears and return home. I didn't even bought Hayley a present and she's leaving around 10 tomorrow morning. So I guess I'll just order something for her and send a letter later this week. Before I go to sleep I climb up the roof to just sit and look upon the stars. Somehow I get inspiration for a poem.

Laying in the grass,

Your head on my lap.

Playing with your hair,

With stars to whom we stare.

Flowers around us,

No need for missing you so much.

Our love is written in the sky,

For you and I.

I have no idea where that came from but it's there. It's a pretty cute poem for someone with no feelings. For someone with nothing to hold on to. I climb back inside and lay in bed staring until sleep catches on to me.