Lovers Not Without Sin | Dutch van der Linde x OC

Chapter 19

CW: descriptions of a panic attack

It must be about two hours until sunrise and Ada is mostly sober now. While she's managed to relax a little more in terms of allowing herself to let go of some control, she still feels a bit jittery when she thinks about how much she drank.

The occasional wave of anxiety washes over her, reminding her that she's in a camp of outlaws. It's been easy to stay distracted with so many interesting people around, but once she's alone she can't help but think about everything she's done wrong to get to this point. It doesn't sting any less to be reminded that she's lost everything in her life.

That familiar feeling itches under her skin. It's not just something she can scratch to make it go away; she feels it spreading from the pit of her stomach and around her ribcage until her lungs feel constricted. The heaviness pulls until it weighs down her throat, she puts her hand on her chest and tries to focus on breathing.

"Fuck," she mutters and pushes up to stand from her bedroll. She tries blocking out all the thoughts in her head and repeats to herself that she's got to get down to the water. Her steps feel more determined than they look as they carry her to the river. The itch is beginning to burn.

She glances around to see that all is quiet. She still opts to walk down the bank a little so that the camp's out of sight. It's been a while since she's done this, looking out at the river and dipping her feet in. Her nightwear feels like it's getting tighter and all she can focus on is how awful it feels on her skin, clinging to her and not letting go. There's nobody around and she feels like she'll implode if she doesn't do something about it.

Taking a step back, she's bare when the garment drops down to her ankles and she kicks it away behind her. Wading back into the water, she doesn't stop until it reaches her chest. It's freezing, but she feels the cold temperature begin to bring her back down to reality.

She submerges her head fully, muffling all her thoughts with the whooshing of the water around her ears. She stays like this for a moment, holding her breath as her mind slowly starts to quieten down. She brings her head back out and rubs at her eyes. The itch under her skin starts to dissipate and cool. She holds her hand on her chest and feels her breathing as it slows, looking out at the moonlight reflecting on the water.

Tipping her head back, she closes her eyes for a moment and hopes the clear nighttime air will purify her lungs. She stays like that for a while until her breathing is settled again. When she opens her eyes the first thing she sees is her favourite scene to look at, a beautiful bed of stars glowing above.

Whenever that feeling takes over, she likes to remind herself of the good things in this world. For the longest time, her only reliance was that no matter how hard the day hit her, the night would always be filled with beauty. The loudness of the day would disappear and she'd be left with silence and the reminder that it's only temporary. The feeling always passes eventually even if she doesn't believe it will.

Ada takes a few steps back so the water is level with her hips. She splashes the water a few more times on her face and runs her hands through her hair. A shiver travels down her spine now that she's back and present in her own body, reminding her of just how cold she is. She turns round to make her way out of the lake, satisfied that she feels alright.

Her heart drops in her chest and she gasps when her eyes meet a small orange glow on the riverbank. Smoke rises from it and it's held by a hand that's attached to an unmistakable figure.

"How long have you been there?" she hisses and takes a step back so the water covers her bottom parts and brings her arms up to cover her breasts.