Change of Heart - A Cahir X Reader story

Chapter 31 - Grief

I haven't seen Cecilia since it all happened. She never came out of her bedroom and I was still blaming myself for everything. I understood that she didn't want to see anybody and especially not me at this point but of course I was sad at the same time. She's been my best friend since I was first able to freely walk around here, she was the first person, apart from Cahir, who I could really talk to. And now she didn't want me to be a part of her life anymore.

We were all still sad, I was sitting in our bedroom, alone because Cahir took Alice to train with him and Lucie was going for a walk with Aldred, and read a book. I couldn't focus though, there were too many thoughts in my head. And that was when I heard a hesitant knock on the door. "Come in." I said, only loud enough for the person to barely hear. I didn't feel like being loud or shouting, I was just feeling way to down for that. And that was when Cecilia opened the door.

She stopped as soon as she saw me, asking for my permission to enter without saying it though. I looked at her and tried to smile, at least a bit. It was no smile out of happiness, I tried to show her my deep regret. She slowly walked over to where I was sitting, placing herself down right next to me. We were silent, both not knowing what to say but Cecilia broke the silence eventually.

"I want to talk to you about... everything." She whispered. She probably wasn't feeling like being loud as well. "Actually, I want to excuse for yelling at you, it's just..." That confused me, I didn't think that she would excuse because I totally understood her behaviour. "No" I interrupted her. "I'm the one that has to be sorry. It's all my fault, honestly. I do understand that you blamed me, you had the right to do that. You still have."

"No, I dont." Cecilia answered. "I don't have the right to blame you. You did everything you could." "No, I didn't. The herbs that I gave him were the wrong ones and maybe if I had thought about it more, he would still be..." "No." This time, I got interrupted. "Listen, I talked to another healer. There was an old woman, she was staying here for one night as she was crossing the country. I told her everything and she said that the herbs you gave him were actually the right ones, they just didn't work." "What?" I asked. "It was not your fault, you did everything right. It's just that his illness was already too advanced. But you did help him to relieve the pain. And I'm actually thankful that he didn't... that he died rather peacefully."

I didn't know how to respond, so I just kept quiet. This was very much to learn in such a short period of time. So we were silent again and after some time I heard Cecilia making kind of a... little laughing sound?

"Isn't it weird to think that I used to hate him from the moment I first saw him?" She asked to which I nodded slightly. I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him, or even in the same room. I didn't want him to talk to me and I didn't want to look at him. I didn't feel sad or anything when he was being hurt, I didn't care about him as well as he didn't care about me. And now... I'm actually sad that he died." I still felt guilty.

"I think it started when I found out I was pregnant. His behaviour changed all of a sudden, he cared more, he was trying to be nicer to Alice. He probably wanted to be a good father, he told me that his own one was a total asshole. Of course, he didn't really show any sort of deeper feelings at all but I think he was somehow happy when he got to prove himself to me... or he just wanted to do it for himself. That was probably the reason. Anyways, this man has grown on me... somehow. And... well, I just want to tell you that my behaviour was unacceptable and that I'm truly sorry."

I still didn't know how to respond, I just looked at her and she gave me a slight smile.

Having her back in my life, being able to talk to my best friend about everything again, having tea together, seeing her son Emil again and letting him play with Alice and Aldred just felt so good to me. I was thankful that she wasn't mad at me anymore and of course it was sad that her husband was gone now, but she managed to make me feel a tad better again and not blaming myself so much anymore.

And when she then hugged me, after all this time in which we were basically strangers, and it was one of the best feelings I've ever experienced.