Tangerine

Chapter 75

Soundtrack: The Animals - We Gotta Get out of This Place

Dedication: louis (@Louis_Tomlinson) this chapter is dedicated to louis, in light of recent events... strangely enough, everything that happens in this chapter was already written before it happened over twitter... which- i dunno, maybe i'm psychic or maybe naughty boy is hacking my tangerine drafts because he can't wait for the chapters to be released ANYWAY you'll see... roast for roast? :)

·

There is less than a month left of the tour and I'm hurting.

Harry and I arrived at the airport in Minneapolis, Minnesota shortly after noon. We didn't so much as take a break in our hotel rooms as we were dolled up and sent our separate promotional ways. It was only hours later at soundcheck where I finally got to see all five of the boys.

I greeted the lads with hugs like usual, as with my own band. I haven't seen any of them since I left for LA with Harry and it was nice to be in their company once again. The only things that felt different were my nerves around Louis and his unreadable lack of his typical enthusiasm. He was smirky... a little... but he wasn't the same.

It's like a distance has manifested with Louis, as a result of my attraction to Harry.

Strangely enough, although he had been rather flirty with me since I arrived, I astonishingly don't feel like having sex with him. I haven't had a single thought. Maybe I'm just so enraptured by Harry these days. Maybe there's not enough love left to make.

It's hard to get excited about anything when the results are so predictable. I had been flirting and hooking up with Louis for a while, and it always turned out to be the same thing.

Flirt, foreplay, fuck.

Repeat.

I like Louis ‒ of course I still do, who would I be kidding? ‒ but he was such an asshole in Toronto. Even after that, it's seemed like something is different about him. Something has changed, but I just don't quite know what it is.

Zayn's family's party was the first time I figured it out, I reckon. The night had been leading to something and that something was to mentally detach myself from Louis. Something which was a long time coming.

It worked.

Because it was then, I realised that some people can fake orgạsms and others can fake love.

·

I've been on the stage since I entered the arena.

Maybe I've been just a little more picky towards the mixers. Maybe I'm trying to perfect my sound to distract myself from other things. Whatever it is, I'm going with it.

My band has been like a family. They're the closest thing I have to brothers and it shows. Instead of asking me about my trip to LA, they've been teasing me about dancing in a club last night, more than anything. It's such a welcome distraction from our regular crowded, scripted lives.

It's just us and thousands of empty seats.

·

On the way back to my dressing room, I hear voices echoing through the backstage corridors. It sounds like they're coming from One Direction's quarters, at least I think so. One of the voices is definitely Zayn and the other is unmistakably Louis.

I want to see them, but there is a lingering nervous feeling in my belly.

I don't know if I love Louis anymore, or if I'm just scared of what will happen if I let him go. I don't know what to expect from him, or if I should expect anything anymore. What hurts the most is, I don't know if I really loved him in the first place. I want to see him, but at the same time I could do without.