07.08.2021
It's been five years since life seems meaningless. Although he made me feel alive again, life doesn't have a sweet taste anymore, even though I've been adding tons of sugar and honey. I remember when I heard your first heartbeat, amore, and I'm sorry I couldn't hold you in my arms. Grief has become a part of me I can't push away.
Sorn.
I closed the diary, holding in my tears. I didn't feel like writing 'unconditionally'. I didn't feel like nothing.
The feeling of numbness has been following me since that day I lost my soul, but it stopped when he appeared in my life. It was back. The pain, the suffer, the guilt. Everything was back in the worst moment possible.
I stood up sighting and noticed the tiny box. Do it. You are already desperate, what's a little more sadness?
My fingers grabbed the box and quickly opened it. I unfolded the note and took a big breath, then started reading it.
I'm not the perfect father and I have never been. I heard it every day of my life from you, Thomas, your mother, your grandparents and even Katerina. I'm no good man, but I'm trying. The words I say are lies, Sorn. You were and still are my little girl. I just wish I would be able to say that to you without the fear of rejection. Words are meaningless and I'm no expecting to be forgiven. Happy birthday! The necklace reminded me of you.
Again, this man played the victim. I wondered who even wrote that note. Was it Katerina, his wife? Because he would have never be able to write something without swearing or insulting me.
I heard knocks in the door, thing that brought me back to reality. After I told the person to come in, Meike stepped in my room.
'What happened last night? Damiano told us you got sick, she said and sat besides me. What's that?' She was reffering to the note that I was folding back.
'Dad trying to make things right, of course.' I rolled my eyes back.
'Oh- Really, don't even bother. You know how he is. Are you feeling better?'
'I wasn't sick, Meike.. The- the pain has returned.' I said and pointed to my stomach.
Meike's eyes lost their spark and her smile disappeared quickly. She took my hands and we both placed our palms on my belly.
'It's not your fault...' she whispered trying to hold in her tears.
'She could've been here, she could've be five now.. I-'
'Don't, Sorn. Life did something terrible to you, but every bad thing leads to a good one.'
I simply nodded. A single tear rolled down my cheek and she wiped it with her thumb.
'Just like in highschool' she said and we both giggled slightly. She always knew how to make me feel better.
Throwback five years ago, Rome
'Sorn! Sorn! Is it positive? Fuck, am I gonna be an aunt?'
Meike was laughing and cheering behind the door of the bathroom, but I was biting my nails in fear. If it's positive my whole life will be changed forever.
I slowly took the test in my hands and looked at it. Fuck.
'I'm a mother! Meike!' I yelled and opened the door of the bathroom.
She jumped in my arms and I carried her in the living room. We were both yelling and laughing recklessly.
'Oh my fucking god, Sorn! We will be mothers!' she laughed and kissed me shortly on the lips, thing that we did almost everyday as best friends.
We both threw our bodies on the sofa, breathing hardly. Now what?
'Do we know the gender yet? Can we find out? I know some myths- she started, but stopped when she saw me spacing out. What?'
'How will I tell them? Mom, dad.. Thomas? Meike, I am not prepared for that.' I whispered.
'Stress affects the baby, amore. I'll help you through everything, you know that right?' she said soflty and stroked my head.
'I know.. Thank you.' I whispered and pulled her into a hug.
----
'Sorn.. Are you ok?' asked Damiano as me and Meike were going down the stairs.
I nodded and hugged him tightly, then kiss his cheek. I knew I should've talk to him and explain the situation, but the baggage I had to carry was way too heavy. He tried to run away from Wanda and he got me, someone probably even more messed up than her.
'Ok, let's get the bags in the car so we can go home.' grinned Ethan.
Damiano quickly went and helped him, while Thomas stood back and came to me. He had a concerned look on his face, Meike probably talked to him.
'Hi.. Are you ok?' he asked biting his lip.
'Yeah, Thomas, don't even worry. You know how it is: it comes and goes. It's not like I'll be sad forever.' I tried to smile, but failed.
'Does he know?' he whispered and we both looked at Damiano.
He was smiling and helping Ethan with everyone's bags. He wore a black tshirt and shorts that revealed his muscular legs. His hair was fluffy and slicked back, but some rebel locks were dancing on his forehead. He tried to push them back by blowing on them, but failed, thing that made everyone laugh.
'I don't know if he would take it. I like him, sincerely, but it's a lot to-' I started.
'He wants to know you, as you said before. You just have to let him under your skin. Let your walls down, Sorn. Maybe he deserves to see the real you.'
Before I could say anything, Ethan yelled telling us to come in the car. I sat next to Damiano and crawled in his arms. He deserved to see the real me. I just knew he was supposed to.
i have no words for what i just created 😭 hope u like it tho stay safe🤍
