I spent the most of the night walking through the streets of Rome, smoking and thinking. I lied. Of course I did. That kiss meant a lot, that's why I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I wasn't sure about what I was feeling. I wasn't sure about anything to be honest.
Wanda was mostly the reason why. Maybe I could give Damiano a chance and see how it will go, but this girl is obsessed. She didn't scare me at all, but I didn't want to have to deal with her every single day.
At the same time, I couldn't let Damiano go through this alone. He was my friend after all and I was already too involved to just let go.
I texted Thomas saying that I got sick and I went home. He didn't believe obviously since I didn't drink that much, but I ignored his texts. I was tired of lying to everyone.
I walked home and light myself a cigarette while I wrote in my diary.
26.06.2021
Most of my life I felt like I was holding my breath
Holding my chest, to be honest, so I'm tired of it
Looking for something in my life to be inspired again
I like to walk around and act like I don't know what it is
But I know what it is, I just never wanna commit
unconditionally, Sorn
-
'Sorn! Fuck, Sorn! Mom is coming! Wake up!' I heard Thomas scream and I instantly opened my eyes.
'Is mom coming?' I asked confused.
'She's not. I just want to wake you up. Come on, what happened last night?' he asked.
'Fuck off, Thomas, you scared me! It's none of your bussiness!' I rolled my eyes.
'It is since it's hurting you.. I'm your brother, talk to me..'
I turned around to see him and I told him what happened the other day.
'Be with him! You know you like him and he likes you too.' he said after I finished talking.
'Why are you so sure?'
'Because I see the way you look at eachother. Friends don't look at friends that way. And come on he's hot!' he laughed.
'Yeah, Thomas, but me? Commitment? I never did that before.'
'You're not afraid of commitment, you're afraid of surrendering control too quickly.'
'What if he breaks me?'
'Let him break you. It's part of life, it's what makes life captivating. Plus, why are you so pessimistic? You might have just found your twin flame, who knows?'
'Twin flame?' I asked raising an eyebrows.
'Yeah, that person that in this lifetime comes to you.. like you've been hurt before blah-blah but together you'll help eachother.'
'You're delusional' I laughed.
'And you're so fucking blind.' he said smiling.
'Who knows, maybe I'll give him a chance.. See what happens..'
'Yes! Awesome! I'm so exciteeee!' he said and clapped his hands.
My phone got a notification. We both looked at eachother and before I could do anything, Thomas took the phone and looked at it.
'Uh, it's Damiano..' he said in a low tone.
'What did he say?'
He gave me the phone and I read the message out loud.
'You were right, we are both better as friends. I'm sorry if I put you in an uncomfortable situation.'
I read the message all over again for a minute. Now that I was opened to try something he was backing off?
'I'm sorry..' said Thomas.
'Don't be. He's right, I said and stood up. I'll go in my room.'
'Sorn!' said Thomas behind me, but I already closed the door.
Oh my fucking god! That's why I don't do feelings! That's the reason, for fucks sake!
I crawled in my bed, hugging a pillow. I didn't even cry, I just laughed at myself. I was so stupid for believing he would ever give up on Wanda. He was just as obsessed as she was.
ykaaar: say something
sornnnn: totally agree with you
ykaaar: im so happy we are on the same track. wanna hang out tmrw?
sornnnn: yes ofc
Why did you say yes you dumb fuck?
He suggested to go at a restaurant that just opened. I didn't know what to expect from tomorrow.
-
I woke up on Sunday with a sudden headache. I felt very sick and dizzy, I couldn't get out of bed. I got out my phone after minutes of struggling and texted Damiano.
me: i have a bad headache i cant even stand up. i think i cant make it today
damiano: im sorry to hear that. do you have any medicine at home?
me: no but thomas will go and buy some
damiano: i can come and bring you some pills if you want
me: thanks
He was so determined to see me, it was frustrating. Maybe what caused this headache was the lack of sleep from these past days. I stayed up all night trying to figure out what these emotions and thoughts meant. Everything I felt was a contradiction of itself.
Thomas burged in my room and rushed to my bed.
'Why is Damiano at the door? Is he supposed to be here? And what's going on? Are you ok?' he bombarded me with all this questions.
'Hey, hey, chill, I laughed. Let him in, he brought me some pills. I feel a little sick, nothing more.'
He nodded and rushed to open the door. I heard him and Damiano making small talk, then he entered my room.
'How are you?' he asked smiling and sat on my bed.
'Bad. I feel sick.' I answered.
'Well I brought you this.' he said and handed me a bag full of pills.
'These are for ten other future headaches, I laughed. You could've brought me a pill or two, but thanks.'
'Anything for a friend.' he smiled weirldy.
Friend. That word kept ringing in my head.
'Wanna watch a movie?' he continued after noticing I wasn't saying anything.
'Yeah, get my laptop from Thomas's room please.' I said and he stood up and left.
He got back with my laptop and sat besides me in my bed. He was so close, I felt overwhelmed. I didn't have the courage to turn my head and look at him.
We selected a movie and he got comfortable in my bed while I was still stiff as a rock. After some time, he yawned and leaned his head on my shoulder, moment when I froze. He looked up to me smiling and I just knew my cheeks were on fire.
i hope u like it😊🤍 stay safe
