Royally Flawsome ♛

26 ♛

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I look at myself in the mirror. Half my face stained with purple, my blonde hair non existent. Logan had done a much better job then I had expected but I could still recognise myself and I hated it. I thought I wouldn't but even with a short bob and black hair I could still see me and the mess I was. I look over at the clock, 2:55 am. Five more minutes until my alarm alerts me of the call I was now not so prepared for. Would she even recognise me?  I was scared of seeing one of the most strongest woman I know weak and being eaten up by cancer. I was scared I wouldn't recognise her. I was scared that I was too late. I was scared because I knew how painful it was to see everyone else living and smiling and knowing that you have little to no chance of living anymore. I was scared because I knew she was at the last stage of cancer.

I try for the fifth time to wash the purple stains from my face but it was of no use and taking up all my energy that I required for my call with Miss Tatu. My alarm rings and I sigh before gently patting my face with a cloth and throwing it aside. This was it. It was eating me up inside knowing that she was always there for me when I was in my hospital bed that I perceived as my death bed and yet I wasn't there for her when she needed me. I was a coward and I was scared she might think the same of me too and there was only me to blame. I stare at the laptop on my bed feeling hesitant to open it. I needed to talk to her. I needed to be there for her and right now virtually was the only means and I hated that I couldn't hold her hands like she did with mine, kiss her forhead like she did with mine, comb my hair like she did with mine. I was indeed a coward. She might not get a second chance but I did and it was killing me thinking about how she must feel that I spent most of my time after cancer complaining about my lack of two legs instead of counting my blessings. Not many got second chances but when I did I spent it complaining.

I open the laptop screen and the brightness nearly blinds me. I squint as my eyes adjust to the blinding brightness and smile at my home screen which was a  picture of polaroids on my wall back home infamously known as "the wall of frames." Every memory of mine was framed on there by none other than Sam who was crazy about polaroids and 'capturing the moment'. I quickly press FaceTime before my eyes roamed onto polaroids of Miss Tatu. I don't know why but I just didn't want to see her before I made the call because I knew I'd start making comparisons that would most likely hurt me.

I press her name and wait. I intake a large amount of breath as it rings, the pause between each ring seeming infinite and giving me enough time to regret and realise that I had too little time to reconcile. After four rings my face shrinks into a box in a corner and its dark for a minute before I'm met with a smiling Tatu. I sigh in relief, at least she still had her smile.

"Hey Miss Tatu," I chirp up, her smile rather contagious. She looked the same and I was relieved but her thinning hair kept reminding me that she was not okay and that there was nothing to be relieved for.

"Hey Hales, I absolutely love the new hair," I pull it to my face to take a look at the foreign colour again, the smell of dye still quite strong on it.

"I copied you," I look back at her and see her smile widening but it wasn't so contagious anymore at the realisation that it may just become a memory. I was sad but I needed to keep the same happy energy because one thing I knew is that I absolutely hated it when people were sad around me during cancer, it made me think that I was a lost cause and I didn't want Miss Tatu to think the same. When everyone was sad and showing sympathy only her and Sam composed themselves in front of me and acted like nothing was wrong and I was grateful for it. The least I could do for her was not breakdown in front of her.

"So I see you in the media a lot," she winks and I find myself laughing at how she could never wink without slanting her lips sideways.

"Yeah, I was friends with Prince Maximus for some time," my heart burns at the memories of him that flood with his name, they were supposed to fade. I close my eyes and dismiss him, but it wasn't so easy, he was stuck there.

"Friends?" I look over towards her and nod. Just friends who've kissed only twice.

"Oh girl he is into you! Did you see that picture of him looking at a dashing you in that red dress? Man looked in love, he was smiling and all," a small smile makes its way to my lips. I hadn't even know such a picture existed until a nosy Miss Tatu told me about it. But it was time to cut off Maximus, permanently, no matter how in love he looked in that one picture.

So I look back at the Maori woman, the vibrancy in her big brown eyes slowly fading and I dreaded at the thought that it'd reach a point I would no longer be staring into them but staring at black empty orbs, void of emotions.

"Miss Tatu why didn't you tell me?" It was when her face dropped that I could not recognise her anymore. It was then that I saw the eye bags that glided across her eyes with a black marker, it was then that I saw the ten years taken out of her life in a short span of time, it was then that I realised she was exhausted and in pain that she would not show to anyone.

She pushes back her long black hair only to reveal a tumour growing on the side of her neck like a second head. I nearly gasp but I compose myself, it was inappropriate. She had thyroid cancer which was highly curable, she was going to be alright! I push back the tiny negative voice because there was no space for pessimism.

"Is this the Miss Tatu you know Hales?"  I was in loss of words because I was concentrating on not crying. She didn't need to see me cry. I nod.

"It is," she looks at me bewildered but it was true. This disease, no matter how much it changed her appearance it was incapable of changing the strong woman I knew. The strong woman she may think she wasn't anymore, but who she'll always be. Because unlike me she didn't let this disease change who she really was. Every ounce of her was beautiful, "a beautiful, strong woman that I will always envy. A woman who will always be a role model to me no matter the circumstances," Her eyes were gleaming and in the silence that enveloped us, it felt like the small screen that was separating us was no longer there and we were in this sort of  space together, close but yet far, floating around. Her emotions that played on her face were so raw that it felt unreal that a laptop screen depicted them so accurately. Maybe if I just reached into that small virtual space, I could hold her hand in mine.

"I'll come to New Zealand," I try my best not to sniff because she'll know I was about to cry.

"I promise I wont die until you do," I frown but hold a smile.

"I promise," she repeats.