Marlon
This is exactly how it is, I wasn't ready to let Shawn go without expressing how I felt . Everything I did to Shawn was out of anger of what she did to me, I still don't know the truth behind it all but I don't want to know anymore she had issues so I'm willing to accept that . There is always going to be that one girl for every dude that changes him, if you see a guy out there fucking girls like it's no tomorrow and being an jackass ask him why and I bet he'll say it was an ex girlfriend that made him that way . Well Shawn made me this way towards her, I knew something was wrong but I never cared to really ask . We could've been good together, if we was to stay together back then we would have been together for almost a year and a half now .
Shawn and I were meant to stay 'friends' and that's all we'll ever will be, I went against everything I ever said about her and hooked up with her at that point in time it was the heat of the moment and I don't really regret it . I knew from the jump Shawn wanted something like this to happen between us, it was all in the way she says my name when she begs for me to speak to her, it's in the way she acts when she's in fear of losing me, and the way she touches me seeing if I'll do the same back .
I knew she wanted more from me but I wasn't going to give it to her because of the way she was, I'm not getting with some hoe just because I feel something for her . I slept with her cause I wanted to, it wasn't to get even or because it was the last time I might see her only just because I wanted to .
"So I guess this is goodbye ." I said
"I'm coming back soon, I don't know when but i'll be back ."
"You should go before you miss your flight ."
"You can always come up and visit I would like to work out some things out with you, I'll pay for your ticket ." she said getting emotional
"I'll cover myself ."
"Shawn come on ." her mother said
Shawn held on tight to me as she gave me a hug "I don't wanna go ."
"Go head, call me when you get home we'll face time ." I smiled
"I don't want to go ." she repeated not letting go
"Shawn get your ass in this car ."
"You better go before she get you ." I smiled
She finally let go and got into the car, she wouldn't look out the window as she pulled off .
Shawn
The hardest part of accepting who you are is accepting who you used to be, everything that I am is in California with Marlon and everything I will become is in New York with the new me . Marlon would wait till the last hour to be clear with me, you would expect for me to be happy but I'm not . It's not like things have completely turned around for me, I've changed but I am not complete .
"I'm coming back up next month to handle some last minute things, so if you want to come too I'll let you know ." my mother said as we sat beside each other on the plane
I didn't bother saying anything back, I was too busy looking out the window asking myself am I proud of all that I've done . Cutting out all the partying, drinking, and sex in life just to become someone I can feel comfortable with again, I feel like this entire time I needed some ones approval and justification that I am somebody . Marlon's approval was who I wanted but I feel so naive that I treated him in my eyes like a God, no matter how many times he turned me away and knocked me down he was still all I cared about . Now that he's gone on the other side of the country, whose approval do I look for now ?
"Shawn wake up, we're here ." my mother said shaking me awake
Our plane had finally landed in New York, it was cold as hell and dark as hell . We had to walk through customs then out into the January air to our car, it was freezing . We had to wait 25 minutes for the car to warn up while we froze our asses off, I couldn't wait to go home . I unpacked the rest of my things and went straight to bed, I forgot to tell Marlon I landed so he called me . Mind you New York is 3 hours ahead of Cali, so 1 AM for him is 4 AM on my side .
"Was you sleep ?" he asked
It took a minute to answer because I was that damn tired "Marlon, it's 4 in the morning what do you think ?"
He laughed "My bad, I was just checking to see if you made it I'll call tomorrow ."
"No, don't hang up ." I rushed
"Yo, I actually can't believe you gone . Why NY though ?"
"It's what my mom wanted for me, I don't know . College and shit ." I said in a groggy tone
"You know, you would be almost done with College if you went before and got your shit together ."
"But I didn't okay ."
"Chill, I didn't mean it to come out like that ."
"Well it did ."
"I didn't get the chance to tell you before but I like the little transformation you did with your hair, it looked nice on you ."
"Thank you ."
"Obviously you too tired to talk so, I'll let you go ."
"No ! I don't want you to go I need the sound of your voice right now ."
"It'll be here tomorrow ."
"But I need you now ."
"What are you and your moms getting into tomorrow ?"
"I don't know, probably walk around a bit . It's cold down here, remember when we we're young we used to sneak out the house and I would steal a bottle of my moms alcohol and we would just sit outside looking up at the sky drinking, I couldn't hold my liquor back then so I would damn near pass out on your steps ."
He laughed "I couldn't leave you out there so I had to drag your drunk ass in my room ."
I smiled "After that I would sleep over your house all the time, your mom would beat the black off you if she knew . I remember I taught you how to french kiss ."
"Actually I already knew how, I was just hoping for some action that day ."
I laughed "You stupid, we've had some good times together ."
"More bad than good ."
"I thought you weren't going to do that anymore ."
"I'm sorry it was a force of habit ."
"I'll call you later ."
"Alright, bye ."
I suddenly lost the urge to talk, guess it don't matter where I go or what we've talk about I'll always be the same . You can run but you'll never be able to hide, running isn't always the answer but at the time it looked like the best solution .
"Goodmorning ." my mother said cooking breakfast
"First day in the new house, it feels really different ."
"Feels good ."
"Feels, strange but I guess I like it . In a couple days I'm going hunting for a job, then check out some schools ."
"Good, glad I didn't have to tell you . I think we're going to do just fine here ."
I crossed my arms to my chest "I hope so ."
