Shawn
When I went to sleep that night thinking about what my mother said about our family history and about forgiveness I felt cold, it made me the slightest bit happy that I can't ever carry a child . The thought of ever having a daughter of my own scares the shit out of me, what if I do something wrong to her and she decides to act out when she's older getting into the same trouble I went through, what if somebody touches her like they did to me or worse . She'll never be able to make it through, every one reacts differently . I don't want the same thing that happen to my mother and I to happen to her, but there are just somethings I wouldn't be able to protect her from .
Even if I had a boy it's not much of a big difference, he can hurt just as much as a girl . There are just some things you can't help, I can't be every at once . I don't even know why this is even on my mind, I'll never be able to experience what it's like to be a mother anyway whether I could get pregnant . I'd be better off without kids anyway, each and every one of them would be a shamed of me anyway . Having a whore for a momma, whose worth nothing, and fucked herself into problems . How the hell could I ever love a child, if I don't know how to love my damn self .
"Shawn get your ass up !" my mother shouted coming in the room "It's 2:00 PM, you already missed work ."
"I don't today Ma ." I rolled over covering my head under the blanket
"I don't give a shit, it ain't no excuse for you to lay your lazy ass in bed all day ."
"Ma, I worked 12 hours every day I'm tired ."
"You got 10 seconds to get your ass up and I ain't playing ."
I wiped the corners of my eyes and stretched in bed, I put on some sweat pants and went into the living room .
"You hungry ?" she asked cooking something that smelled of fried chicken
"No Ma'am ." I said sitting on the couch
"You will be later so I'll just make plenty . . . I was thinking about you last night, your too damn old to be sitting at home doing nothing . When I was your age I had already lost my grandma and had to figure out everyday what the hell we were going to eat . I'm really liking the idea of moving, I want you to enroll in school and make something of yourself I want to take you somewhere you'll get plenty out opportunities ."
"But you talking about all the things you want for me but what about what I want for me ?"
"What the hell do you want ?"
"I don't know yet exactly but I don't want you to map out my life, give me some time to think . When you size it down to the places you want to go let me know but until then Ma I need to think about it ."
I don't want no one making big decisions for me like that, I want to do things at my own will if I don't make decisions for myself I'll never learn . Biggest lesson I've learned yet was I can't depend on people to get me through anything, Marlon got me through Monday - Sunday, 24/7 throughout the year . I relied on him too much and I can see why he got fed up with me but that doesn't give him the right to talk about me like I don't have feelings . If the roles were switched and Marlon was the one fucking bitches left to right for whatever reason I wouldn't say much, because it's sad to say it's expected for guys to behave that way but when a woman does it she's a hoe . I wouldn't call Marlon a hoe and if I did I'm sure it would boost his confidence up to do it more, I wouldn't be mad at him for everywhere we would go there's a flock of bitches throwing their eyes at him because they all fucked him I would just think he's nasty and hoped he wrapped it up . It's always a double standard for women but I'm not saying every single female out there should pass their pussy out like free samples at Cosco, I shouldn't be the one to talk but learn from my mistakes .
