Shawn Essence Price
When I look at myself I don’t see a damn thing that’s good about me, my life is a fucking joke . Sad part about it is that I don’t even care, I don’t care enough to take care of myself the way I should . I’m passed around like I’m somebody’s property, treated like I was made to be somebody’s bitch, and used like I was some fucking game to with play . But it never bothered, I never got the attention I wanted when I was growing up and I still don’t so what get I take, good and bad . I stay out as long as I can so I don’t have to go home, who the fuck would to deal with a mother that doesn’t even want you . Drinks all nights and spits on you, I try to keep the liquor out her hands but when I do I’m being thrown against the wall . When the cops are called the bitch wants to play victim, says I’m the one that hits her disrespecting her and shit, when they take me in the cop car she laughs . Who the hell does that to your own daughter ?
When I was young I hated the shit out of her, I ran away a couples times cause I couldn’t deal with her shit but when the cops found me they she acted like for once she cared about me when she was in front of them but after they left I remember every she took this metal spoon and beat the shit out of me . My mother isn’t a alcoholic nor has she ever done drugs but once she gets a taste of alcohol she doesn’t put it down till the bottle is gone, I don’t understand her problem I stopped caring all I know is she’s a bitch and never once said she loved me .
I don’t have nothing for myself, I never had anything to be proud of or feel good about . I was molested by a cousin when I was seven, he was fourteen . Old enough to know what he was doing, but I was too young to care . He introduce me to the life of sex, I was dropped off at his house one day but his mother stepped out to the store . I walked in on him watching this movie where these two people were obviously about to fuck, a curious mind asked him what they were doing and he asked me if I wanted to try it . Like a dumbass I said yes only because she looked like she was enjoying it, he told me if I told anyone about this both our parents would beat my ass .
We didn’t do anything serious, he just touched me and he made me stroke him . A part of me knew what I was doing was wrong but at the time it felt right, after that we never spoke about it again . It traumatized me though I couldn’t stop thinking about sex, I wanted to get better . Ain’t no shame in my game, I’ll let you know straight up back then I was a hoe . First party I ever went to I was raped, never bothered to do anything about it because I thought that I deserved it . It didn’t stop me from doing my usual, expect now whenever I went to a party I showed up drunk so I wouldn’t remember the shit that happened to me . Sometimes I wake up naked with some dude on top of me, sometimes I wake up passed out next to a couple of guys, then there were times I woke up on my front porch .
I was scarred and didn’t realize I was only hurting myself more, I wasn’t living healthy fucking guys left and right . But I was long gone deep into the feeling of sexual pleasure, I didn’t care what people had to say about me because they don’t fucking know me . Trust and believe my problems can go much deeper than this, I’m still discovering new shit about me . Will I ever change is the question, each day brings on more problems .
“Marlon, open the door . . . Marlon I know you fucking awake, please open the fucking door .” I said standing on the side of his house tapping on his window
His light finally turned on, I could see his shadow staggering towards the window “What the fuck you want ? Shawn it’s 3 in the morning .” he said in a low but angry voice
As I stood there in the cold hugging my body standing in nothing but my bra and panties while I held my clothes in my hand . “She locked me out, please .”
He sighed shutting the window, I walked over to the front door waiting for him to open it for me . Finally once he did he stood there scratching his head wearing nothing but a white tank top and sweat pants setting aside enough space for me to walk into his house . I quietly walked through the living room making my way to his room, I stood there waiting for him to pass me a blanket and sweat pants . I laid there on the floor as he threw a pillow down at me, he turned out the light once I was settled .
“Are we going to talk about it ?” he asked as he got comfortable in his bed
“What is there to talk about ?”
“I don’t know let me see, you knock on my fucking window at 3 o’ clock in the morning damn near naked . Something don’t seem right about that picture ?”
“Nigga don’t get smart with me .”
“This my damn house, don’t raise your voice in here . You better not wake my momma either, she find out your ass is in here your ass is sleeping on the street .”
“Marlon I don’t want to talk about it, you already know the shit I do so what’s the point of you questioning me ?”
“Iight whatever, take your ass to sleep then I’m too tired for this shit anyway .”
