Shawn
I don't want to leave, this is all too bitter sweet for me . This is how it should have been a long time ago, if I only I would have trusted my feelings we could have been through everything by now probably wouldn't have slept with so many guys if that was the case . Fear and pain kept us apart, I was afraid of my past and hurting myself by giving my own self consequences . Marlon makes me feel so comfortable, he's the only guy that keeps a strong hold on to me . Why else would I keep coming back for his comfort and presence ?
"First time I can remember for a minute that you haven't said anything
that would hurt my feelings ." I said as I laid in his lap
"Don't hold your breath, knowing me it's coming ." he smirked
"Wish we had more time together, I don't to go back ."
"Got to, but in the meantime get up we been sitting here all day . I'm not trying to end the night like this ."
Marlon finally did something for me that I been trying to get out of him for the longest, he took me out somewhere that was heavily overflowed with people and wasn't afraid to hold my hand either .
"Shawn ?" I looked over to see some dude standing before me
"Hi Marcus ."
My heart sank into my stomach as I seen Marlon walking back over to the table and behind Marcus was some guys I fucked .
"It's been a minute, I see you alone I was wondering if you wanted to kick it with my boys . We were about to hit up this party then go back to my crib ."
"She's not alone ."
Marcus backed up a bit "Oh my bad bruh, I ain't realize ." he said walking away
I stood up from the chair "It's getting late, we should go I have to wake up early tomorrow ."
Marlon left without saying a word, he snuck me in his room through the window where I stayed for the night .
"Marlon, are you mad at me ?"
"No, I can't help it you have a fan club ." he remarked sarcastically
I sighed "Why did you sleep with me then if you know the trouble it brings, if you think I'm a hoe then what's the point Marlon ?"
"I don't think, I know ."
If I lived here I would have went home on that comment but I couldn't .
"It doesn't matter how far I go with myself, I'm nothing but as you would say a dick sucker . I sucked dicks Marlon, been fucked by plenty too . There is nothing I can change about it, shit like that is the reason I moved . I let my past and people like you run me out of my home, what good does it do you insulting me half the time . Only thing it's benefiting you from is expressing your anger towards me and losing me, I can't be disrespected any longer ."
"Look me in my eye then and tell me you haven't fucked anybody else since me ." he asserted
"I've been with nobody, I don't want to be with anybody but you ."
"I'm sorry then like I said it's still going to take some getting used to, to answer your question I don't know . I said it time and time before I would never touch you again like that in my life ."
"Then you look me in the eye and tell the truth when I ask if you regret it ?"
"No, I don't regret it at all ."
"Do you feel dirty and feel like people are talking about you when you're with me ?"
"No and little ."
"So that's the reason why before when I asked as a friend to take me somewhere you would either never do it or take me somewhere dark and
not a lot of people are ?"
"Pretty much, but understand that every time we go out shit always
happen either way . We always run into some nigga that knows you, that
shit is annoying . I'm being clowned because niggas are looking at you
to fuck, looking at me because Iike I don't already know about you ."
"Marlon tell me right now am I here for nothing ? Am I here just for
you to fuck ?"
"You know it's not, I can't change the past but everything would be good if you kept your legs closed . I'm not trying to make you feel bad, that's just how I feel . You're here cause I want you here, unlike any other nigga I have you best interest at heart . I'm not looking for a free fuck, I looking for the love I used to feel for you . It's not so far gone, but it's taking time . I will bash a nigga in the head if they ever disrespect you in my presence, that's real and you know that ."
I shook my head "This is the hardest thing I had to go through, I don't know how to feel about this . I know exactly 100% what I want but do you ?"
"I know I don't want you to go, I know what I feel for you . I know that my mouth is our biggest problem, and I know I can change ."
"Let me rephrase that, are you 100% sure you want me ?"
"Yes ."
It was difficult going to sleep, I have to put all my trust in to this since it's the only thing I can do . This is so hard I don't know what to do, I don't know if things will ever change . I don't want to be treated like a hoe, I left that life in the past it's not who I am . This trip taught me a lot, it showed me a lot as well .
"Guess this is it ." Marlon said as we stood outside the airport
"Don't tell me goodbye ." I said as my voice cracked
He hugged me tight "I'll call you tonight, don't cry ."
"I don't know when I'll see you again ."
"I'll make it up there soon, I promise ."
"I don't want to let you go ."
"You going to miss your flight ."
"Alright, bye Marlon ."
I really hate saying goodbye, but at least I got some clarity . There's just one thing I forgot to ask, what the hell are we ? When I got to New York I got some good news, I landed a job at least now that's going to get my mom off my damn back . I couldn't stop thinking about the talk Marlon and I had, I'm still left with a little confusion .
"Shawn, wake your ass up !" my mom shouted
"What do you want ?" I turned my body the other way
"Your lazy ass been sleeping all day ."
"The jetlag is killing me ."
"I don't care get the hell up ."
I tired to get up but my body wouldn't allow me .
"I take it the trip was good ."
"It was great ."
"You told him how you felt ?" she questioned
"What makes you think that's what I went for ?"
"I was young, I had my opportunity but I was in a fucked up situation ."
I leaned up from the bed "I was the problem ?"
"I was the problem, don't worry about it . Did you accomplish what you wanted ."
"Well, no ."
"Guess that's too bad then cause I ain't paying for no more damn plane tickets just for some boy, you should've knocked it out this round ."
"Guess so, only good thing that's come from this week is I got a job ." I smiled
"Good, now you can get your lazy ass out the house ." she smiled patting my leg than leaving out the room
