Shawn
Repairing this relationship with my mother is going better than I thought, I used to think that I would spend the rest of my life wondering why she never loved me like I did her I would've spent the rest of my life hating myself thinking it was something I did to make her turn away from me . All these years she spent hating me for something I had no control of, yet we connected over something so traumatizing for the both of us .
These past weeks were a struggle, I don't think it's easy for any girl explaining to your mother why you had more dick than your actual age, she forced me to get an HIV and AIDS testing . I understand why but I already had one before I'm clean, she even forced me to gyno and stood beside me as the doctor checked me . I fought for that one but she said that if I didn't like it I could sleep in the street, I have no say over her decisions over me anymore .
When Christmas came around we changed gifts, it was the first in years that we celebrated . She gave me a big ass box of condoms and clothes that didn't show off my body, I wrote her this letter and gave her a gift card to Victoria Secret and DSW .
It read Dear Mom, we've always had our differences but no matter what I will always view you as the rose that grows from the concrete . You are beautiful but are held down in captive from the ugly truth that lies beneath, through everything I never stop caring about you . I still don't know if even hearing the word ma or mom makes you feel comfortable, I forgive you for all that you have done to me because I know it was the pain making you do it . You could look back on this and say it's an excuse but trust me I completely understand how you felt for years . I hate how something like this has bought us together, I've cried those same tears you cried, I've buried my heart in the same pain as you, and I've hurt myself trying to overcome this just as you did . But I'm not you, you are strong, brave, and beautiful . You managed to rise out of that dark place which is why you are my rose that rises from the concrete . I'm sorry if you still think less of me, I'm sorry for the discomfort I brought you, and I'm sorry if you still think that after all we talked about and been through we'll never be able to uncover a relationship . But if you feel that way then I'm fine with that, but I will always love you cause no matter what, no matter if the thought of me being around makes you sick you will always be my mother . You are my rose that grows from the concrete .
I asked her not to read it around me, I didn't want see her get emotional or feel as though I was bashing her because I wasn't and I never have, I also asked her not to say anything to me about it when she does read it . Words can't make up for the lost time or the damage, I just want to see actions . If she shows me that our bond is broken then I'll back off and I won't try anymore, but if she steps up as a mother then I'll do whatever she says and take things as slow as possible I don't want anything to be fake from this point on .
"Why don't you go out ?"
"I can't, I get into too much trouble when I go out . I don't have any friends either, so ain't no point ."
"What's stopping you from making some ?"
I gave her the side eye "Ma, nobody wants to deal with me . I ran away everyone who was ever gotten close to me, I had to drop all my old friends to get away from that old life . It's best that I just stick to me, myself, and I . I ain't got no worries or drama ."
"What about that boy ?"
"Marlon ? He's nothing but a memory, he's too . . . I don't even know, I don't care about him anymore I don't want to talk about it ."
Whenever I step outside the house I look down the street hoping to see Marlon but I never do, I just can't bring myself to let him go he was my crutch that held me up through my darkest moments . But I can't deal with his bullshit anymore, I'd be a fool to continue talking to him after the way he treated me . The first couple of nights I went through an anxiety attack, only thing calming me down was the fact that I had an old sweatshirt of his, I slept with it on having the cologne left over on the sweat shirt bringing me closer to him it was the only thing that calmed me down . I'll never be able to get through this if I don't let him go, after syncing that in I stopped wasting my breath over him .
"You working tonight ?" my mother asked stepping into my room
"No ." I said laying my head down on my vanity
"Pick your head up when I'm taking to you ." she commanded as I tipped my head back up, she came behind me hesitant at first but she ran her fingers through my hair, for once she wasn't pulling it trying to hurt me "Saturday nights my grandmother used to do my hair and actually put makeup on me, in those days your were called a hussy if you put on makeup at a young age and red lipstick were only worn by hoes . But she always let me wear it if only she put it on, I used to love spending time with her like that . Can I, do your hair for you ?" she asked
I smiled, shocked she even asked "You sure you want to do that, this is a hella a lot of her Ma ."
She smiled pulling my hear up into a bun as she turned on the straightener, after hours of laughs and the smell of hair singeing she made curls bounce upon my shoulders .
"Now look at you, you look like a young lady for once ."
I smiled "Thank you ."
"There's something I been meaning to tell you, it's just a thought for now but I was thinking about moving . Both of us need a fresh start especially you, you need to go to a place where nobody knows you . You can't runaway from your problems but at least you'll be going where nobody knows jack shit about you, you shouldn't have to go through the shit you do . You should have friends, you should be happy ."
"You would do that just for me ?"
"It's for both of us ."
"It's only a thought right ?"
"As of now yes, I haven't decided yet . It wouldn't be anytime soon, but like I said it's just a thought ."
I said I wanted to change I'm not about to change my whole damn life around, I don't know if I'm ready to do that but if it's going to make things better then I guess it'll be good . I need to sleep on it, moving means I leave Marlon for good . I just stopped thinking about his ass days ago, now you talking about completely erasing him out my life . During the night I looked out the window, trying to see if I could find an answer or some shit . It was hard to see but Marlon's porch light was on, he was outside leaning on somebody's car slobbing down some girl . I could feel an anxiety attack coming up, but I held it together maybe leaving this shit behind won't be so bad .
My entire damn week has been full of watching Roots, in the beginning I thought myself white people get more of a joy out of this movie than we do . Sitting here watching the injustices black people went through during slavery time is a shame, how the fuck can you put someone down like that because they have a different shade than you calling us dumb, stupid, niggas, need I say worse . If I was alive back then most likely fear would have kept my mouth shut, but a part of me feels as though if I was breathing back then I would have died fighting for my right to live especially as a women . Watching every second of this movie made my heart break for the women who were raped by their masters, beaten because they were black, and enslaved like animals .
"I always wanted to trace back my ancestors ."
"You'll be looking back on painful experiences, if I tell you about my side of the family you'll only wish I hadn't ."
"Why, I'm sure that everything that happen in this movie happened to us ."
"Yes but from what I've been told almost half the women on my side was raped during those days, clearly as light as you are we have white our blood ."
"Was - the guy that - did this - ."
"He was black ." she turned away from me
"Why do things like this happen to people ?"
She shrugged "Some people are just wired differently than others, people like that don't understand how it feels to be placed in that situation because people like that don't have feelings . If I were to cross paths with him and he begged for my forgiveness I would never forgive somebody like that ."
"Why not, they say it's healing and brings closure ?"
"That's what they say, fuck what they say God forgives I don't ."
