Shawn
"Look at her, she's getting so big ."
Marlon and I took Marvella out in her stroller for a walk around the neighborhood, I can't really say how things have been between him and I . One day everything is going good between us almost as if we forgot about the bad shit, but then it turns into one of those days I feel like he doesn't want me around and wishes he was never with me . I'm starting to find out that what hurts more is not all the hurtful things he's said about me, but the fact that he's not with me . I'm still dealing with the fact that we well never get back together, you can't help who you love . Marvella has been keeping everything together inside of me, because of Marlon helping me out I been able to take care of our daughter better . Every time she cries I'm right there, every time she needs to be changed I'm there, every smile she has on her face I'm there to witness it all .
"She better open her eyes and enjoy this sun, sleeping all the time ." he said pushing the stroller
I smiled "She's a baby, what else is she suppose to do ?"
"She need to grow a little more, I'm ready to have a conversation ."
I laughed "You can still have a conversation, she's listening ."
"I want some feedback when I talk ."
When we're back at the house I still keep to myself, I make sure I'm out of his way as much as possible so we won't have any problems unless he ask me too . We've been getting along with each other for the most part, when he comes home from work I have food waiting for him when unless he tells me not to cook then he brings me something . We sit on the couch and talk about anything while we watch t.v, then he goes in his room to bed . When he's at work I sleep in this bed, the couch does me no good at night .
"What's wrong with Daddy's baby ?" Marlon said picking up Marvella out her bassinet while she was crying "I know I just fed you, you just got changed, what's wrong baby ?" he said, but she settled down after a few minutes of being in his arms and went back to sleep
"Must have been a nightmare ."
"I always wondered what the hell babies dream about ."
"Right !" I smiled "They don't know anything about life, so what could they possibly dream about ."
"I swear I love this kid, she don't even have to do anything but be here and I smile ."
"She's going to be here for a real long time ."
"Don't remind me, I just want her to stay little like this ."
"Did you notice how people were staring at us today ?"
"I don't care about that anymore, it is what is it . They just staring because I gots me a pretty baby ." he said holding up Marvella giving her smooches against her cheek
"Makes me uncomfortable now, especially since I know the reason ."
"You the main one telling me before this to not care about when people stare, now you the one that got the problem with it . Why you caught up on it, it's a kid too late to give a damn ."
"It's just that I know they weren't staring at just me, they were staring at you . With the expression of he really messed up now, he's a damn fool ."
"If somebody got a problem with my choices then they can step to me about it, if not I don't care I'm all about my daughter now ."
"I just wish everybody would leave me alone, they don't know what I've gone through to get to this better state of mind that I'm in now . It's hard, no will understand that ."
"Fuck them then, damn Shawn it's not simple but yet it is . Nobody can dictate your life but you, just don't instill those habits into this one ."
Marlon put Marvella to sleep and I was left all alone in the living room, I went to bed early because I was left up with a lot of thoughts in my mind . I'm thankful that Marlon wants us around, I miss New York though . I'm out of my comfort zone here, I face a lot of the judgement that I purposely escaped when I left here . I want to go back to that place where nobody knew my name or shit about me, when I'm here I get the death stare everyone talks about me and I just want it stop . Leave me alone .
"Shawn, what the hell you doing calling me this late . Where you at ?" my mom answered
"I'm outside Marlon's house, I'm sorry Ma I just needed talk to you ."
"Why you crying, he put you out ?"
"No, everything is fine . I just wanted to hear your voice ."
"How's the baby ?"
"She's fine, beautiful than ever ."
"When you coming home ?"
"I don't know, been thinking about it but I don't know . This is a better place for her ."
"Well I would like to see my grandbaby and my daughter ."
"We'll see if we can take a trip up there soon ."
"Alright then, how about you get some sleep and I'll do the same ."
"Bye Ma ."
I know we are not together but sometimes I wish Marlon would be more sympathetic to my feelings, we've been able to get along really good but when I want to open up to him he shuts me down . When Marvella is asleep we fool around with each other, not sexually he's made that very clear he will never touch me like that in his life again . But we just mess around like friends, can't lie and say I wish things could be different .
"You look good, where you going all dressed up ?"
"Stepping out for a little bit ." he said standing at the mirror checking his face
The doorbell ranged and I got up to answer it, when I did it was that girl I used to see him with standing there before in a tight white dress .
"Can I help you ?"
"Let her in, that's for me ." he said
She smiled stepping right beside me into the house, they kissed each other right in front of me . It wasn't a little peck either .
"Is this a date ?" I asked
"You can say that ." she smiled biting her lip looking towards him
"You can sleep in my bed, I won't be coming home tonight . Call me if you need anything ."
"You ready ?" the girl asked wrapping her arms around him
"You already know ." he said, she leaned up to kiss him again "Save that for later ."
I literally stood there looking at the door long after they left hoping he would walk back in but he didn't, I was so damn hurt by that . I know we're not together but he still means something to me, for them to deliberately kiss with me standing right in front of them was so damn disrespectful . I'm the mother of your child and you know how I feel about you, you couldn't have hid that shit from me ?
