Marlon
"I took off work today for this, I don't trust you with my kid ."
"I don't blame you ." she said in a pitiful voice
Shawn didn't even look at me when she spoke to me, her eyes were drowsy and beginning to form bags . Whenever I said something to her she just stared at whatever was in her vision, she cry more than Marvella cry . It's like taking care of two damn babies .
"What's your problem that you can't bond with your own daughter ?"
"I'm scared and I'm not good enough, I want to do everything I can but I can't ."
"Here ." I said passing Marvella off to her
Marvella was sleeping sucking on her pacifier, Shawn cradled her in her arms and got teary eyed holding her .
"Take her I can't ."
"Sit down and figure out why you can't do this ."
"Marlon I can't, when she's in my arms I get depressed . When she cried it makes me feel like I'm not taking care of her the way she needs, I'm trying but it's not enough . You don't know how much I love her, the problem isn't her it's me ."
I sighed not knowing what to do, I'm too young for this shit . After I pushed Shawn to bond and make a connection it seemed like I was getting through, she wasn't acting like she was clueless as much . I made her get up and change her, feed her, and bathe her . The next day though I couldn't be there to tell her how to handle her herself, I'm not supporting for one now . I have to make this paycheck work for three .
Shawn
I've been sleeping on the couch in the living room since I been here, Marvella's been in her bassinet since we've been here . It's shocking that Marlon would make this choice for us to stay with him, I don't know how long it will be but I'm staying out his way as much as possible . When Marlon went to work the next day I forced myself to take care of Marvella the way I need to be, it was very hard . I took a different approach to doing things, I breast fed her since people say it brings on a better bond . Clearly she was happy since she took to it, but I didn't like it . I burped her and played around with her while she was flashed her eyes up at me, before I put her down to sleep I changed her . I was tired, that little girl wore me out . This is the first time she's fallin asleep since this morning, I was tired of sleeping on the couch in the living room so we both laid in Marlon's bed .
I gotten the job done with no problems, a little struggle but I gotten through . It was a good feeling looking at my daughter, our daughter beside me as we both dosed off to sleep . The aroma of food being fried woke me up, I checked Marvella''s diaper and put her in her bassinet before I went into the kitchen .
"How did you tough it out ?" he asked
"Did better than expected, thank you ."
"I guess so, you got drool and your cheek ."
I smiled a bit going into the bathroom to wipe it off "We were sleeping good, you would have been happy ."
"It's not about making me happy, you need to do for yourself ."
"Are you really honestly going to still try and take her away from me ?"
"A day don't make a difference, you can't become super mom in a day . But no, I'm not ."
"Why ?"
"You want to reconsider ?" he turned around looking at me
"No, I'm just asking ."
"Cause, I'm just not you don't need a reason ."
It got quiet between us, till I picked it back up "I seen all the sonogram pictures on your dresser, I always thought you threw them away or ripped them when I sent them to you ."
"I wish you would have stopped that, I caught heart attacks every time my moms would come over here with them inside the envelope . I didn't want her to open them, I didn't want her to find out ."
"I did it so you could get connected, it's weird cause now that she's here I'm having troubles with connecting with her and your doing a better job than I am ."
"You got baby blues, it'll pass . But of course I'm going to connect with my daughter, that's my daughter . Does it really fucking matter if I wasn't there when you were carrying her ? It has nothing to with her being here in my home right now, look at where you at . I'm doing my part, so I ain't trying to hear anymore complaints ."
"I really am glad you are doing what you are for us, it means a lot to me . I thought you wouldn't want to be in her life at all, I should really thank your mom for bringing you to New York to see her when she was born but it really does mean the world to me that you stepped up when you did: I really didn't want her to grow up without her father ."
"If you don't step your game up she'll get used to not having a mother ."
"Baby steps, I'm still trying to give her the proper love she needs . I'm trying to give her the love I didn't get growing up, my own mom wouldn't even help me when I had her . Which is understandable but your mom right off the back was like if you need help call me whenever, our households are completely different ."
"You think you going back to New York ?"
"Do you want me to go back with her ?"
"It's up to you, I can't be going back and forth from New York to see her . You already tapped out my money, but as a favor you can stay . But you will have to get a job, cause rent ain't cheap ."
I smiled slightly "Thank you ."
"There's rules, we ain't fucking ever again . I don't want to hear shit about us or what we can do as a couple, also we have nothing to work out . I don't want to hear nothing about any of what I just said ."
"Alright ." I said in a somber tone
"Eat up ." he said finishing cooking
