Chasing the Void (Magnates Series #3)

Kabanata 38

Kabanata 38

Nanatili akong nakangiti habang hindi inaalis ang tingin mula sa kanya. He was staring at me, there was no expression after what I blurted out a while ago. Ilang segundong walang nagsasalita sa amin na nakatingin lang kami sa mata ng isa't isa.

"I want to break up..." I repeated. 

"I know..." 

"Of course, you know." I chuckled. I know him so much that I know he already predicted or calculated that this would soon happen. That I would come up with this decision. "Hindi ka ba magagalit o hihingi man lang ng explanation? Na posibleng mababaw ang dahilan ko?"

"Your decision matters, always, whatever it is. And if it's a way for you to breathe, then don't hesitate." 

Napangiti ako dahil alam ko rin na iyon ang sasabihin niya.

We spent months with each other that we understood how each of us would react in any situation. Even in making any statements, we know each other so much that we can easily figure out what we would say. 

"Ano ba 'yan, sana pinahirapan mo ako kahit konti." I laughed again. "Pigilan mo naman ako, paranas lang kahit mga five seconds."

"I don't want to force you..." 

"Hindi ka man lang ba nasaktan? Kahit konti?"

Nanatili ang tingin niya sa akin habang  nakangiti ako. I was trying so hard to feel fine because I'm the one who came up with this. I'm the one who decided to do this.

"It's more painful watching you trying to be fine in front of me," he muttered.

Napalunok ako ng laway at bahagyang napawi ang ngiti sa labi ko. Naramdaman ko ang pamumuo ng luha sa gilid ng mata ko.

"I want to say that you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened but I don't want to make you feel worse."

Bahagyang natawa ako sa sinabi niya. And it was overwhelming that he could easily read me even though I kept masking everything up. Masyado ng matalino 'tong batong 'to.

"Sana hindi mo na lang sinabi kung gano'n," I chuckled.

Nabalot ng ilang segundong katahimikan ang paligid. Tumayo ako at naglakad patungo sa railings. Hindi nagtagal ay sumunod siya at tumabi sa akin. We were both quiet as we watch the night view of the sea.

"Alam mo bang paborito kong gawin 'to dati?" I broke the silence. "Watching the sky and the sea during night time." 

I smiled reminiscing how I find solace in this kind of view. And for some reason, I remembered Kuya Axel. That memory felt warm yet it became distorted. Hindi ko na tuloy alam kung paborito ko pa ba ito dahil sa alaala ko sa tuwing tinitignan ko ito. 

Instead of that calmness I felt back then, I suddenly remembered the explosion and the fire during that night. Kaya hindi nagtagal ay naging iba na siya sa paningin ko. But that remained a memory of that night...and somehow, I don't want to forget it.

"Hanggang ngayon pala...paborito ko pa rin." I changed my answer. 

Nanatili kaming tahimik habang tinatanaw ang kalaliman ng dagat at ang kagandahan ng gabi. We decided to part ways tonight but it felt peaceful. We both understand our reasons and it felt relieving. 

"Masakit pala..." I laughed, realizing that I was again trying to be fine by hiding it with me being decisive about this. But the thought of being far from him felt painful. Wala pa nga pero parang nalulungkot na agad ako.

Hindi dapat ganito, dapat kayanin ko. Kakayanin ko. 

"Hindi mo talaga ako pipigilan?" natawa ako sa pagiging desperada ko.