Chasing the Void (Magnates Series #3)

Kabanata 37

Kabanata 37

For someone who choose to be lost rather than to escape to keep her self intact, because for her, that was her way of escape. To stay lost in that darkness that continuously chase her. To remain in that void because of the pain that took over her.

I was consumed by my guilt and it's haunting me. To realize that I was indeed just a broken person that held on to vengeance just to feel whole, not even considering how it would affect others. 

How can you act normally if you yourself don't even know what normal is?

Buong buhay ko nga hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang dapat kong nararamdaman ngayon kasi simula nang mangyari 'yon...pakiramdam ko wala na akong sariling emosyon. 

Emotionless behind these emotions. 

"Why am I so...petty." I whispered to myself, hugging the pillow tightly. "Why is it so hard to live..."

Again, I'm that empty shell who tries to live with that conscience and guilt. 

Ang hirap naman maging okay. 

I tried living and bringing myself back, but all this time, I felt stuck. I chose to be stuck. Siguro nga lahat ng kung ano ako ngayon ginawa ko lang para matago 'yong nasisirang sarili ko. 

I closed my eyes and expect that darkness again but what I saw was different...I suddenly thought of Draisen. And those times with him, I was happy. At some point, I felt complete and contented. 

Pero hindi dapat gano'n. 

Hindi dapat ako dumepende sa kanya para lang masabi kong buo ako. Hindi dapat ako umasa na sa kanya lang ako magiging okay. Hindi sapat na gustuhin kong manatili kami sa ganito kung alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa ako maayos. 

I don't want to be a burden, that's the least I wanted. And I love him. I do love him, so much that I just want to be deserving of it.

Ayoko ng ganito. Ayokong dumating ang araw na mapagod siya. Alam ko namang pilit niya akong iintindihin sa lahat ng bagay kaso ayoko na palagi niya akong iintindihin kung maging ako ay hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili ko. 

I chuckled at my thought. I reached this extent, huh. And it felt resolving that this is how I love him. 

"Dito ka ulit?" gulat na tanong ni Donna nang makita ako sa may dock. "Akala ko balik ka na sa opisina ni Sir Draisen?"

Ngumiti ako at umiling. "Sinabi ko na dito muna ako."

"Bakit?"

Because I'm keeping my distance. I'm readying myself for what's coming. Ilang araw akong parang tanga sa inaakto ko at alam kong napansin niya iyon. I told him that I will help cleaning the yachts just to think of how I'd be able to face him again.

"Na-miss ko maglinis dito." pangangatwiran ko na pinaniwalaan niya naman.

We started cleaning as I drowned myself with thoughts on how I'd tell him. Nakatulong naman na hindi masyadong mainit at sariwa ang hangin ngayon. The smell of the sea felt calming for some reason. 

"Kamusta na kayo ni Ronnel?" ngumisi ako nang magbreaktime na. Tumungo kami sa may cafeteria at uminom at kumain saglit. "Kayo na?"

Bago pa siya makapagsalita ay biglang sumulpot si Ronnel sa gilid. Nakita kong may dala itong bote ng tubig at supot ng tinapay.

"Riyel, para sa'yo, oh." nagulat ako nang inabot niya sa akin 'yong mga bitbit niya.

Napaawang ang labi ko at napabaling agad kay Donna. Ayoko naman maging dahilan para mag-away sila. At akala ko ba may relasyon na sila? Ano ba 'tong ginagawa ni Ronnel?