Loose Change~ Montgomery De La Cruz / Zach Dempsey/Scott Reed

Part 3 Chapter 11a

tw: heavy mentions of sexual assault, mentions of abuse, heavy parental abuse, heavy homophobia

"Why not tell people Zach's the father? It's not like I want to tell everyone what happened."

The cold air around Ophelia whipped against her skin, causing her teeth to chatter. She stayed put. She sat on a bed of grass, outside and alone.

"I feel like it's my only option," Ophelia admitted to herself. "I mean, if I do keep it, it is. I still feel so unsure, but I also can't imagine going back to that clinic."

She wrapped her arms around herself as she shivered. She didn't like thinking about the clinic, and how weak she had been there.

"I don't know how I could go back to normal after everything being so...unnormal."

The grass Ophelia sat on felt damp, but she paid no kind to it.

"I can't tell Marisa. I've been avoiding her. She might be getting mad at me, but if she sees me she might figure out what's wrong."

And Marisa figured things out so well. She was the one who figured out another girl in their grade was pregnant after she already had an abortion.

She struggled to say, "I've thought about talking to Jessica, but I wouldn't know how. How could I possibly try to relate to her, when her experiences were so painful and mine...god, they just weren't. And I'm so ashamed they weren't." Ophelia get ready brimming her eyelids. "I wish more than anything that it had been more painful because maybe it'd be easier to accept what happened. But it wasn't."

Ophelia sniffed, and wiped her nose.

"I wish you were here. You were always so understanding. And you never judged me. I-I never realized how lucky I was to have you around."

Ophelia stared straight ahead at the cemetery stone that read 'HANNAH BAKER'.

"God, Hannah," Ophelia breathed. "How did you do it? How did you just live like everything was normal when everything was so terrible?"

Ophelia stopped herself for a moment when she realized Hannah hadn't been able to live with it. Not for long.

"I wish you were here," Ophelia told her. "Maybe we could've helped each other."

She imagined what would have happened if Hannah was here senior year. What if she was in a coma when the tapes came out, and she got better? What if the trial happened with her there? She could've help Jessica through it.

With everyone knowing about Ophelia and Montgomery, maybe Ophelia would've finally accepted her help.

Ophelia suddenly started crying. Imaging a different time made the current one so much harder to bare.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you Hannah."

There had been much Ophelia could have done. But she hadn't done it. And she'd live with it for the rest of her life.

When she felt she was finished at Hannah's grave, she stood up and walked back to the car. Justin parked at the cemetery parking lot, and he waited for her.

Ophelia mentioned the day before she was interested in visiting the grave. She said it in front of Justin and Zach, and when Zach didn't say anything about it, they both figured he was uninterested.

Justin seemed more than happy to take her. Ophelia still wasn't sure why.

When she walked up to the car, she watched Justin put something in his mouth and swallow it.