This chapter is being posted early as I'm about to start a 21 day week (fun times)
See end for more notes about when the next chapter is being posted.
0o0o0o0o
Goddess how would he even begin to fix this, Severus thought, staring at the boy, who was too young to seem so old and weary. From the sounds of it, he'd never been a child. He'd been a child even less than Severus had been. At least Severus had had his mother and Lily.
Maybe it was time to start treating the boy like an adult. That had perhaps been one of Severus's mistakes, thinking the boy young and stupid, naive. He was young, and no doubt naive about some things. But the boy was older emotionally Severus suspected than many of the seventh years were.
Severus couldn't afford to treat him better in class, had to still appear to hate him, for both their safety, but maybe it was time to come clean to the boy. Maybe that would help mend fences.
Severus sighed, "you have no need to fear, I merely want you to pay attention and hear what I am about to say. I will not be using legilimency on you again tonight, and certainly not without telling you." Harry narrowed his eyes at the wording but reluctantly forced his eyes to Snape's face.
"I owe you an apology," Severus said, sounding pained.
Harry flinched as if he'd just been struck.
"And that is why I owe you an apology, child." Professor Snape said seeming tired and very human suddenly, in a way he hadn't before.
He looked Harry directly in the eye said, "I may have been far out of line before, but I have never, and will never, ever, strike a child. Nor will I see one be hurt if I can do anything to avoid it. I may yell but I will never hit you. I promise you, no matter how angry I get, I will never ever hit you. You are safe."
Harry just looked at him, wide eyed feeling scared and vulnerable, and rather sick suddenly.
He hated that he was so transparent. He wanted to leave, he wanted to curl up in his cupboard under his mum's blanket.
"I believe..." The Professor paused, considering his words carefully, "I acted rashly when you apologised last term. I should have accepted your apology, it was an honest one. I should not have lost my temper at you as I did," he said. "I've let you down, and treated you poorly, I am sorry."
Harry stared, trying not to keel over. He felt sick, and his hands were shaking, and the world felt like it was spinning a little.
Why was Snape apologising? No-one apologised to Harry. When had anyone cared if they yelled at him? And it was so un-Snape-like too. What on earth had made the man apologise to the son of his tormentor? To the student, he loathed the most? What had changed now?
And how much had it cost the proud man to apologise to one of his students, a student that was the spawn of one of his abusers? He could tell it had cost the man. Harry felt ill. He just looked at him, unable to speak.
Harry could feel the magic singing in Snape's words and feel the man's discomfort and guilt and regret-regret-regret-grief-Lily-Lily-grief-loss-pain...
The man was nearly drowning in it. And from the cold expression on his face, Harry never would have guessed the man capable of such emotion, but he was.
Harry's empathy never lied. So he just swallowed, his throat thick with emotion he couldn't quite comprehend; anger, longing, rage, hurt, hope and want, and just pushed his emotions aside to process later.
"Why are you being nice?" Harry croaked out eventually, unable to stop himself. The man winced and looked pained, and harry automatically felt guilty.
"I am not being nice. I don't do nice. I am, however trying to treat you right, to keep you safe and to give you the tools to keep yourself safe. Because it is my job, both as your teacher and as someone who sees- saw" he corrected around clenched teeth, "Lily as their family. Because it's about bloody time someone did. You've been let down too much. I promised your mother I would do everything I could to keep you safe."
"I know," interjected Harry dully.
"And I have let her and you down." He said his voice sounding pained, and Harry got the sense that the man was highly mortified.
"Not really, you've saved my neck several times," Harry said hollowly suddenly very, very tired.
And suddenly his Professor was on his knees in front of Harry taking his hands in his own, looking up at him with shining black eyes that screamed urgency and sincerity.
"Yes, but you should not have to flinch in fear around your teachers, or around your mother's closest friend." The man said bitterly.
"I made a vow to your mother when we learnt she was pregnant with you, to look after you and protect you." Professor Snape said still holding Harry's hands gently, but firmly in his own, "I meant every word of that vow."
"I do not want to hurt you," Snape continued, "I will do everything I can to protect you. I will not let you down again. I am on your side."
It was too much for Harry. It was all too much. He couldn't understand this sudden change of heart, couldn't trust it, be couldn't afford to. It felt like an aching chasm had opened in his chest, and if he wasn't careful harry would drown in it.
Harry yanked his hands-free, and something unreadable flashed across Professor Snape's face, and for a wild moment, Harry thought it felt like pain and regret. Harry hunched his shoulders, and looked at the floor, not wanting to see what he was sensing from the Professor on his face.
"Why are you helping me now if you hate me? You've never gone out of your way like this to help me before. Sure you did your duty and made sure I wasn't killed, why care now. What changed? Why do you care now?!" Harry pressed, trying desperately to hold all the pieces of himself together.
"You are basically the son of my heart's sister, of course, I care!" Snape said, standing in his agitation.
Harry snorted, standing as well. This was rich, now he claimed to care when he never did before?
"You never did before, you hated my guts because I'm his spawn. Being her son didn't matter before!" He spat.
"Not everything is so simple, child!" Snape retorted. "And I cannot tell you any of it until you can protect those secrets or lives will be in danger. There was more at play before! Which is something I am sure you understand."
"I was forcibly blinded to it before, but not any more." Snape went on, "I was foolish and blind and wasn't able to see things anything different, and I'm sorry! I should have seen it but couldn't. I should have done better but couldn't. Now I can, and I do. And I am appalled and will amend it. You are Lily's child, not just Potters spawn," Snape affirmed, his magic rising under his skin again, bubbling and boiling, flaring and leaking out into the room like fog rolling in off the lake.
"I may have been lied to and blinded by more than just my own bitterness. But you are a student in my care, and my sister's son!" he said hotly, "that is everything. You are my sister's son!"
Harry laughed harshly. A sudden bark of a sound. The emotions he'd been working to surprise suddenly bubbled up like hot puss. Now, after 14 years, someone finally decided to care.
Where had that caring been when he was beaten, aching and bleeding, wondering if he'd die? Where was that caring when he's been so hungry, his stomach had cramped and burned with it? Or when he had been so desperate for just a little bit of water that he had been dizzy with it, his mouth too dry even to beg for it?
Where was that caring when he'd been locked up in the dark? Or when he'd had to resort to running away to the streets because it was more hospitable than his relatives? Where was that caring when he'd been scared and alone with no-one to turn to but himself? Where was that caring when his peers picked on him and bullied him mercilessly.
Where was that caring when the school had turned against him over and over again, hexing him in the corridors, and his Head of House and the Headmaster always looking aside? Where had that caring been when he'd been kicked out of Gryffindor, his supposed Hogwarts Family and his belonging's destroyed?
Where had that caring been then!
Now, after 14 years of being no-one and nothing, someone finally decided he was worth something. Harry snorted, and it bubbled up into a near-hysterical font of laughter. It was a harsh cold sound, that was not remotely humorous.
What utter rubbish.
"Forgive me" Harry spat, derision dripping from his words, "if I don't believe this sudden change of heart, sir. Me being the son of her sister never helped before. It never stopped her blooded sister from teaching me that my real name was actually Freak and Boy!" He spat, 14 years of repressed pain, anger and bitterness bubbling up until it was spewing out of him like a crumbling old dam, broken open.
"Being her son never stopped them from teaching me that I would never be a real person. It never stopped my cousin hunting me like an animal! It never stopped them from starving me, and belittling me, and working me like a slave!" Harry snapped, distantly aware of the growing shock and horror on his teachers face.
"It never stopped them from beating me with the skillet! Or from locking me up like a feral dog to lick my wounds! No-one ever gave a shit about who my mum was then!"
Something finally snapped in Severus then and his magic flared out in a furious, grief-stricken, devastated and betrayed out of control rush.
It flared out in an instant, filling the room, lashing against the walls and the wards. It was intense and slightly wild, swelling and building like an oncoming storm.
And there was fierce protective anger underneath it all that licked at the wounds in Harry's soul that still bled with belief that he was un-loveable. It was earth shattering.
This man cared. He was shit at showing it, and made mistakes. He scared harry and was a bit of a dick. He had a temper and was unpredictable and Harry still hardly trusted him, but he cared.
He cared about Harry. Just Harry.
The warmth of the feeling hurt Harry's soul.
He felt like he was drowning then; in warm water.
*
"Petunia!? How could he? That old fool swore!" Severus spat out. He couldn't believe the old bastard had lied to him. He'd beaten Severus at his own game, allowing assumptions to lead Severus around by the nose!
Severus had thought that he'd been put with a distant Potter relative. Not who Lily wanted but at least someone that would keep him happy and safe. At least he'd assumed the boy happy and safe until recently. That had been part of the reason he had assumed the boy would be a spoilt brat.
But Petunia?! He had not felt this rage in a long time, and he struggled to pull his magic back under control and rain it in under his skin again.
"They put you with that spiteful bitch!"
"Yeah..." Harry said slowly not sure why the professor was so surprised.
"That old fool!" Severus spat out.
He'd known the boy's home life was bad, now his head was clean, he could see that, especially since seeing the boys scars, but this latest revelation was devastating. And in the two months he and Filius had been looking they'd found nothing about any of the boy's guardians.
This was their answer.
Dumbledore was the boys guardian, and petunia was who he'd been placed with. Not some obscure Potter relative.
No wonder no-one was talking. No wonder they'd had no luck trying to find anything out or make any changes or wellfair checks. No wonder they'd had no luck persuading the old git to move the boy.
Shit, Dumbledore would never let him do anything to change it. He'd have to be sneaky and underhanded about it. Maybe they needed poisoning. Maybe he should reconsider his position on not using compulsion potions...
"They will not hurt you again." He stated coldly, he didn't know how they'd manage it, but if he had to hex the boys relatives himself he would. There was only so much he could do in his precarious position. But they would not hurt the boy again. Severus had hid his true allegiance from the goat and the dark lord for years he'd manage this too.
Harry snorted,
"Filius and I are looking into the matter." Severus said, "We've been trying to ascertain who your guardians are until now so we address their failures in your care. The issue will be easier to resolve now we know. They will be dealt with, you won't go back."
Harry all but flinched at that, but covered it with a derisive snort, "sure, I believe that," he lied.
Snape arched an eyebrow at that and Harry deciding to push said, "Dumbledore wants me there, kept like that so there I will stay" He didn't add that he had no intention of ever going back. Snape didn't need to know.
Snape clenched his jaw. "So we have recently learned. You will not be put in that position again. If we cannot get you removed, iron clad measures will be put in place to ensure that you are at the very least left alone, and adequate looked after, with a competent adult checking in with you regularly at the very minimum, to ensure that you are properly being cared for by someone. Your relatives will not hurt you in any way ever again.
Even if I have to set a house elf to follow you over break to keep you safe from them. There are measures we can put in place, charms to keep you from being the centre of their attention. Filius and I will work something out. William will help. But we have no intention in letting you ever return there."
That would have been reassuring, a relief even if Harry had not spent so much time on his knees, in tears, begging not to go back, and trying to get anyone to listen that he needed help getting away from them. Now after all this time and suffering, now someone was trying to do something, now someone was trying to be decent?!
The same someone who had made his potion classes hell for nearly four years. Anger coiled in his gut, and he bit down hard on his toung to stop more angry words spilling out. He wasn't an idiot. This whole thing was nuts, Professor Snape may have being decent now, for whatever guilt ladened reason, but a cheater didn't change its spots.
*
When the boy was quiet for a long time, Severus said, "you do not believe me."
Something flickered across the boys too blank face and Severus thought he saw anger, and disbelief flickering in the boys eyes before it vanished again. Had he not explained enough? He sighed. He supposed if he'd been in the boys position he'd be angry and disbelieving too. He'd have a million questions he'd never be brave enough to ask and so much anger bubbling under his skin he'd not have hidden it half as well as Potter was.
"Go on then, ask all your questions. Get your accusations off your chest, so we can move on." Severus said with a heavy sigh, "we'll clearly not get anywhere while you're so angry."
Harry stared at him, incredulous.
Severus made an impatient noise and sighed, "You have one opportunity to ask your questions, and get it all off your chest. I will answer if I can, and I won't give you detention, if you listen to what I have to say and understand if I am unable to tell you. We have too much to do that requires trust, Occlumency the chief among them."
The boy would get know where with Occlumency without trust. Maybe this would help. The boy swung wildly between terror, anger and a yearning for someone to rely on.
Harry stared. There was so much he wanted to ask, but it was ingrained into him not to ask questions of those he didn't trust. His relatives has seen to that. And while he'd been given permission, he wasn't sure if he was brave enough to ask about what he really wanted to know. About his mum, about why Snape had been so mean, about what side he was on. So indeed he asked something else that had been bothering him.
"sir, why are you so horrible to Neville?"
"It is not your place to criticise my teaching methods potter" Snape snapped slightly surprised that was where the boy had gone.
"That's not what I meant! It's just has really scared of you and you keep picking on him. You threatened to poison his toad!"
Snape pinched the bridge of his nose to stop himself yelling at the brat. He regretted this whole thing already, Hekate help him.
He took a deep breath and counted to ten. In gobbledygook. A useful skill he'd picked up from Filius.
"As you should know by now, our Tuesday single period is the theory class focusing more often than not on the potion we will be brewing in the double. I may not be aloud to demonstrate to you all, but if you pay sufficient attention to the lecture, and to the homework you all should have sufficient ease in brewing the potion itself on the Friday double. Unfortunately for me, I teach a class of dunderheads that are incapable of doing the reading, paying attention or putting any effort at all into my subject.
Longbottom is said by Pomona to be a Herbology genius. Herbology is closely related to potions. It was one of my best subject after potions and defence. Between Herbology and theory Longbottom should be competent in basic brewing. And yet he is not. I have no idea why he has such a pathological fear of me that I was his bogart. The boy is a fool, the worst kind of fool who is lazy and a danger on the class room to everyone around him!"
"Of course he's scared! Loads of us are. You yell and call us useless."
"He is!"
"He's not! His just scared of everything and has a crap wand." Harry snapped irritably, offended on his friends behalf.
"I'm still your teacher, show some respect! He creates dangerous explosions with the ability to scald, burn and seriously injure his peers! Of course I'm going to yell at the fool!"
"Thats not going to help! That just makes him fuck it up more! His terrified of you! I think you remind him of his uncle. He tried to kill him a few times as a kid to prove he wasn't a squib" Harry said.
Snape went white, "what?!"
Missing the point completely, Harry went on, "his uncle yells a lot too, and threatened him a lot as a kid, calling him useless and a disappointment. Uncle Algie, tossed him off a pear, he nearly drowned. He tossed him out a window and Nev would have died if he hadn't done accidental magic and bounced, but if he was a squib he would have killed him. Then had the audacity to give him a toad as a consolation 'congrats on not dying as you are magic' gift. But he yells and judges Neville. And now you do that. No wonder he's making mistakes.
"I yell but I have never seriously threat-,"
you threatened to poison his toad!
"It would not have harmed him! Shrinking solution is an incredibly stable potion, and he should have known from my lecture on the theory class, if it doesn't blow up immediately when messed up, it will not do anything at all! It was an empty threat in a weak tempt to get the boy to concentrate! He is a hopeless menace!"
"Who was treated like shit by his family," Harry snapped, "he's not stupid. He's just crap at potions because he's terrified and that makes him forget stuff and get confused and clumsy. You're a teacher teach him, not to be shit at potions.
"He should have know at least the basics already! He had tutors as a child like every pureblood!"
"Well they were obviously crap," Harry said, "he needs help! Teach him. It's your job to be better than the last tutors."
"Fine!" Professor Snape snapped back, "Remedial potions, now explain, your comment about his family" said Snape coldly.
Harry shrugged and went on, not feeling at all guilty about spilling the beans. If Professor Snape was so keen on helping someone's home life, maybe he could help Neville.
"Neville is constantly compared to his father by his gran, but not in a good way, in the 'you'll never be good enough, you're a disappointment' way. He thinks himself little better than a squib. He grew up being told be would be a squib and a weak farce of a wizard.
It didn't help that he has his dad's wand. His gran insisted and he didn't want to make her yell, or be mad so he doesn't complain. It doesn't fit him. It's a unicorn wand, so it's still loyal to his dad. It won't work for him.
This only reinforces what his family says that he's barely a wizard-"
"What utter rubbish, barely a wizard," Snape cut in sounding disgusted.
Harry rolled his eyes and nodded, "he was so scared the first class, not wanting to screw anything up, that he got flustered, when he made an error you yelled at him. He then just gave up, resigning himself to being horrible at that too.
He needs remedial potions and encouragement, not yelling. I'm doing what I can. Me and Hermione are working on it
"Hermione and I" Snape corrected automatically
"-he's grown up cowed, your way will never work. He needs support, not a harsh drill sergeant" Harry said as if it were obvious.
"When you yell, it reminds him of his family. He's just as scared of them. When you critiqued him in front of Lupin, it brought that up to the forefront of his mind. Thats why it was you and not his family. He told me later he was too ashamed to admit the bogart would become his gran or uncle. He was actually relieved it was you. That was what everyone expected and wouldn't question. He loved his gran, and she loves him. She just does it all wrong. But it's not malicious, she's just not that emotionally intelligent, and is caught up in her grief for her son." Harry said astutely, looking at Snape hesitantly.
Snape's face was white, his lips pursed angrily and Harry had to force himself not to shrink back. Snape had said he might yell but he would never hurt Harry. He'd all but said Harry was safe here. Harry wanted to believe it. And Bill trusted Snape.
So he waited.
"I will be speaking to Pomona," Professor Snape said after a very long pause, "I think she would be best to deal with it. He is most comfortable with her."
Harry relaxed, the tension draining from his shoulders. "He is. He loves Herbology, and really likes professor Sprout. She encourages him a lot. Hermione and I help him in potions and link things to Herbology, that helps."
"He has gotten better at it, recently." The Professor admitted.
"Like I said, Hermione and I are helping him."
Snape sighed, "share a table with him in class then, you three can work as a team, I'll ignore you both. Actually that's a good excuse for detention. You can insist on working as a three with him, I'll give you detention, you for occlumency and Longbottom for remedial potions."
"Okay, thanks, and Hermione?" He pushed, testing Snape again, "you were a dick to her and you're constantly threatening us with expulsion!"
Professor Snape narrowed his eyes at the insult but said nothing, just raised an eyebrow as if to say, 'really?'
"Sorry sir," Harry murmured realising what he'd said.
Only then did Snape answer, "Miss Granger, made a habit of shoving her intelligence in others faces, to prove she alone was the best, in an effort to make herself feel like she belonged. She needed to learn some humility."
"She was nervous!" Harry exclaimed, "She wanted to prove she wasn't inferior because of her background. She didn't want to be behind. She just wanted to please you! She wanted praise! How is making fun of her teeth going to teach her humility!"
"That was out of line" he admitted, "and I have since apologised."
"You have?" He asked incredulity snapping him out of his slowly rising irritation.
"Yes," Professor Snape said simply, "ask her. As to the threat of expulsion it was entirely warranted both times and an empty threat. The first time you had broken the law flying to school when there were better solutions. The second time you childishly used an explosive to blow up a cauldron full of dangerous chemicals and caused serious medical harm to many students. That warranted expulsion."
"You never threaten Malfoy for tossing stuff in!"
"Of course not, his father would have me killed, tortured and locked up! As much as he deserves it several times over, there has been nothing I could do but keep a close eye on them, and ward all the desks. You'll notice each desk is now warded to stop anyone but myself and those seated at it from adding ingredients.
Even with threatening you with expulsion, it was an empty threat, the headmaster would never allow your expulsion to even be considered.
Harry snorted bitterly at this.
"I was trying to intimidate you into obeying the rules there for your own safety. It did keep you in line in my classroom for a while, besides I gave you more than enough detentions that year to make up for it and you never sabotaged another potion again." Professor Snape went on.
"That's true," Harry said. He'd worked that out back in second year. While Snape couldn't prove it was him he'd known it and given him detention for just about everything he could have thought of.
"Why did you out Professor Lupin as a werewolf? He's a dick, a total asshole with the rest of that gang, but he was a good teacher! We'd never had a good defence teacher. And you got him sacked."
"A werewolf who has a history of being complacent to abuse, irresponsible and carless of other's well-being has no place in a school!" Professor Snape fumed, "He had a deadly, highly contagious condition and should have known better than to skip his potion. What happened that night was no excuse. And it is not the first time he's curse has threatened children!"
"There were too many students disobeying rules and curfews to keep them safe. There was a geas. I could not warn them so I could not keep them safe. All I could do is help them realise the risk. If they weren't all dunderheads!"
"That's why you gave the essay," harry said, "but did you have to get him fired?"
"He didn't take his potion! After insisting all year I didn't need to watch him take it, that he'd changed and grown up! The one time I don't he forgets! How could he be so irresponsible! He has a deadly, highly contagious condition that makes him loose his mind and all control that will attach and kill or turn any people he comes across! Most of which are vulnerable students who wouldn't stand a chance! How could he forget! Of course I outed him. He insisted it was safe, Dumbledore insisted it was safe. And it wasn't. Something had to be done.
Snape was breathing hard fury in his eyes and Harry could see his point when put it that way. He sighed, feeling far less angry now, but still not entirely ready to let go of his anger at the man, now he'd finally given it some air time.
"You tried to get their souls sucked out! He was the only family I had, I could have gotten away from the Dursley's if he'd been freed!"
"They tried to kill me and worse! I was sure he was responsible for her death, and who knows how many others! Black may not have directly fired the curse that did it but her death and her misery is still on him! Now get to the point and stop avoiding what you really want to know, waisting my time and patience by digging up the past to avoid the real issue." Snape ordered.
Harry winced, he hated being so transparent. He bit his lip. He needed to know who's side Snape was really on. And he needed more information on the war. He also wanted more information about his mum. But he hated how vulnerable having to actually verbally ask would make him feel. Especially when he was still hesitant incase Snape blew up in his face.
Snape sighed, "ask your questions child. I can see you're still torn. We need to be able to move on and work together."
"The way you've been talking almost makes it sound like you're on my side." Harry said in a small voice after a long anxious pause.
And so they finally got to the heart of the matter. Severus automatically reinforced his already formidable Occlumency shields. It went against every instinct he had to take such a risk; to be open, with anyone let alone a child, about anything let alone his role as a spy. It was a risk. A big one, even if he had asked for it. But the boy needed to know. And if he kept lying to the boy, and kept playing his part, the boy would never trust him. Severus needed the boy to know he was not only deeply regretful of how he'd had treated him, but that Severus was on his side. He always had been. So it was a risk he had to take.
He had to mend this fence. He had to make it right.
"I am," was all he said, his face instinctively clear of all emotions.
Lily's child frowned, and tilted his head ever so slightly to the side as if thinking hard about something, weighing things up. He peered at Severus intently as if... trying to work out who he was talking to...
"You weren't before," Harry said, "because they pulled you too, didn't he. Dumbledore. But now, really are on my side, still. Mum said..."
Harry clamped his mouth shut, suddenly not sure mentioning how much he knew was a good idea.
Snape paled his eyes narrowing dangerously, and his emotionless mask of a moment ago cracked as he clenched his jaw for a moment, his fists clenching and unclenching, making Harry very nervous. But eventually he said, "so you found her diary's. I wondered."
Harry clenched his jaw but nodded.
"You are to tell absolutely no-one what you read, especially to about me. It's not safe. Not for you. Not for me. Do you understand?" Professor Snape said firmly.
"Hermione knows about the vow and that the Marauders were bullied, and that they targeted you. Sirius spilled some of the beans, I tried to keep her in the dark but he took down my ward." Harry blurted, having an inkling of where this was going, "she won't talk, she's learning occlumency to."
Again Snape's black eyes glittered dangerously and he clenched his jaw so hard this time that Harry thought he might crack a tooth. But he just jerked out a nod. "I'll see to it that she's tested too. She needs to keep working on it."
Harry nodded, "Bill knows about the vow, he was there at gringottes with me. It's covered by his oaths. Hermione knows about that too, I told her all about my gringotts trip after they got me clean."
Professor Snape's eyes narrowed dangerously but just said, "then it is just as important that she keeps practicing occlumency. See to it that she speaks up next class when your partner up with Longbottom. She can join you in detention for occlumency." He spat out.
"Even telling you about the vow was a huge risk, very few know, and that is highly privileged information. It could be worth my life if it gets out." He started sounding very serious but tired too, "I am trusting you not to abuse that and get us both killed. Do not let me down. Do you understand?"
Harry nodded, "yes sir," he said sitting up straiter, suddenly feeling a little better about it all now that the Professor was actually placing trust in him. The show of trust and faith from his professor made him feel more confident in his choice to try and trust the man and work with him.
"I am on your side, always, but you must not let on. I cannot afford to be seen as anything other than a death eater." Severus said quietly.
Harry frowned and Severus bit back a sigh. He really didn't want to have this conversation. At all. He didn't want to lay any of his mistakes or sins, or weaknesses out for the boy. Not at all. The only reason he was having it was because it was necessary. The boy had spent too long distrusting him, and Severus was too good at playing his part. And if the boy was anything like his mother, and if Severus wanted to be of any help and support to the boy at all, he'd have to be honest. He had prove he meant what he said when he said he wanted to help. And that meant this conversation.
But that didn't mean he had to like it. He hated showing weakness, he hated being reminded of his past mistakes, failures and sins. But this was something that needed to be done.
"To put it bluntly, there are two sides in this war and I am at the mercy of both," Severus said with a sigh. "On one side you have the Dark Lord. On the other is Dumbledore. They have me by the neck, one wrong move and I loose everything, and everything will fall. A lot of the time it was trying to work one against the other so I could ensure that you and Lily were safe. As I ever wanted, all Lily ever wanted, for the both of us to be able to be safe and free and left alone."
Despite having read his mum's diary, Harry still found himself with a small niggling doubt in the back of his mind.
It must of shown on his face as Professor Snape continued, his voice hard, "I did not want to join the dark lord. I never did. I have worked to bring him down ever since. But it is hard when he, or his servants, have so much power over me, and the ability to do so much damage." Snape said through clenched teeth as if it were costing him greatly to admit it.
"Malfoy," Harry whispered before his brain caught up with his mouth.
Snape narrowed his eyes looking mutinous for a moment and Harry shrank back but as quickly as it appeared it vanished again. The only thing giving away Snape's fury was the bubbling of his magic and the clipped way he said, "yes."
Realisation dawned and Harry wondered then if all the meanness was an act, he opened his mouth to ask, but bit down on his lip to stop himself. He wasn't meant to ask questions. Something must have shown on his face though as Professor Snape sighed heavily and said, "ask."
Harry looked at him cautiously, then asked. "Is that why you act like that? You have to hate us to make them think you play their game. And thats the way you want it. It's easier to do what you want, to get by, when they think you're playing their game, and are not a threat to their world view" Harry said as things continued to slip into place, his heart racing. He did that. He knew what that was like.
"Yes," Snape said looking at Harry all to astutely, making Harry have to suppress a shudder. It felt like Snape could see into his soul sometimes. It was a very vulnerable feeling.
"So you didn't want to be so horrible?" He asked tentatively, trying desperately not to give in to the small spark of hope flaring to life in his chest. The little spark of hope that said that maybe there was still some small part of Sev, his mum's best friend left.
How much of the real Snape had he actually met... Hadn't Snape mentioned something about being potioned.
"Its complicated," was the short reply he got.
"How is it complicated, you were potioned too" Harry probed, "by..." He trailed off.
"Dumbledore you mean?" Severus filled in with bitter shrewdness.
Harry fidgeted but nodded, "yes. So you were poisoned by him to then! How does that make it complicated? You either meant to be an ass or acted like one because you had too. It's not that hard." He snapped, his pent up irritation at years of being picked on by the man getting the better of him.
Professor Snape was quiet for a long time, long enough to make Harry twitchy and wonder if the man would answer him at all, or maybe yell at him. Eventually though, he spoke through gritted teeth with great reluctance.
"The world is not so black and white." He sneered, despite himself, "I was spelled, but differently from you." Severus said slowly, not wanting to have this conversation either but again, the boy needed to understand. Severus also didn't feel able to let himself off the hook when he still felt he should have known better. Should have been better. Should not have let someone else's magic bind and blind him to the plight of Lily's child and to make him into his worst nightmare. How had he let the old man's magic make him into the very monster he'd sword never to be?
"So you did mean it? Did you mean everything you said and all the things you did. Or was it the role and the spells? Because honestly sir..." Harry trailed off with a shudder he couldn't quite hide from Severus's quick eyes.
Severus sighed, how did he explain this to the boy?
"You know how sometimes your cousin is annoying and you want to hit him, or maybe want him to fall on his face? Or maybe when your aunt hits you with her skillet you want her to miss and get herself instead.
"Yeah..." Harry said hesitantly.
"You'd never do it though, you just think that for a fleeting moment when you're feeling stressed or emotional, that it would be nice."
"Yes," Harry said nodding.
"The spells on me made it so those irrational thoughts and fleeting desires became desires I acted on without being able to see it was inappropriate or something I would normally be horrified by.
It took my morals away and my ability to judge and curtail my actions. It does not excuse my actions but I was unable to tell if they were appropriate or not. The magic took away my moral ability to judge when acting the part stoped being acting and started being cruel. Normally I would never ever want to be so cruel especially not to children. I swore never to be come the abuser. But that is what those spells did. It took my ability to judge my own actions and to empathise.
Oh.. Harry said slowly, "so it wasn't your fault? You were a victim too?"
"Yes and no," Snape sighed, "I still chose to be, and will still be, harsh on my students. I have no choice at this point. But I was overly harsh at some points and had no ability to judge or mitigate it."
"Overly harsh!?" Harry said incredulously, suddenly angry again, forgetting himself, "you are Nevilles Bogart! You singled me out first lesson for no reason!"
"You should have done the reading!" Snape snapped back, "it was not a big ask to expect students to at least read the first chapter of the book!
"My books had been locked up! Until the morning I left for kings cross, between Ron and the other boys I didn't get a single spare minute to catch myself up!
Snape clenched his jaw again, closed his eyes and looked at the sealing for along moment and let out a long breath.
"Your relatives are despicable, Are you done?"
Harry seemed to deflate at that, "yes sir," he said softly, "sorry sir."
Snape had indeed answered all his questions and addressed all his grievances. He wasn't happy about it but he did it. And while it didn't fix anything or make it all better. It did help.
"Thank you sir. Sorry for being rude." Harry murmured.
"It can be excused this time. It was a little justified. But do not take that as an excuse for future rudeness or disrespect, is that clear?" Professor Snape asked sternly.
"Yes sir."
"I think that is enough for one night. Think on what I said about your natural shields please. The offer stands, and it will help."
Harry forced him self not to hunch in on himself once more and just nodded.
"Good, one more thing, before I let you go for the night," Snape said, "that vow..."
He paused, as if hesitating.
"I remade that vow at her grave after she died. There may be many faces I must show to the world, but I did not lie to her. I never have and I never will. I will not break that oath. You do not trust me. That is understandable, but we need to build trust so we can work together, especially on occlumency. I make that again to you again now."
Harry's eyes widened as his teacher looked at him earnestly and magic swelling said, "I, Severus Prince Snape, renew my vow of blood and magic to Lily Evans and her son. With my Goddess Hekate as my witness, I swear again upon Lily's blessed memory to watch over and protect her son to the very best of my ability. So as I say, so mote it be."
Professor Snape's voice rang through the stone room and Harry thought he caught a glimpse of purple light from the right sleeve of Snape's robes, but the air was so thick with magic Harry could hardly make sense of it all. He could hardly breathe. Hogwarts was thick around him, and then there was the presence of Hekate's magic, and Magic herself, like when Harry made his offerings. It was dizzyingly overwhelming.
Harry could feel the vow resting thick in the air though, curling around him protectively, almost like his mothers protective magic. He had the strangest urge to cry.
"In her name, with our goddess as our witness I accept your remade vow professor," Harry said his voice thick, not entirely sure where the knowledge of the ritual reply came from.
He swallowed hard, and at the dawning realisation that maybe he could trust this strange volatile man. It frightened him. He was tired of being burned, but tired of being alone. he wanted his mothers friend. His mothers brother. He wanted that man. Maybe that man wasn't totally gone.
"I am on your side child, but keep that knowledge secret and safe, it could get us both killed." Severus said sounding sad and weary.
"Why did you tell me then?" Harry asked in a fragile voice.
"Because you deserved to know." Severus said simply.
Harry nodded, ducking out the door before Snape could see the tears he couldn't quite hold back.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Blood Vow - its a Darke thing, it needs blood of both parties, and has to be made willingly. It can't be forced. It has to be witnessed and blessed either by a god or by magic herself. It is a type of vow similar to unbreakable, it won't kill you if you break it but it strains your magic if you do, constantly reminding you, it also hurts. It only needs the two people to cast and like the unbreakable uses tongues of flame but unlike the breakable it leaves a scare around the hands of those involved. If broken it will hurt, and leave a permanent ache with the scar going black marking them an oathbreaker.
The scar will twinge from time to time as a reminder of the vow if the person is near breaking it. It is magical draining to go against. It can only be willingly made. You can't force someone to make it. Snape didn't actually break it. He did watch over harry, and he did save his life, he was just a royal dick about it. He would have felt an ache in the vow scars but it would have been a twinging reminder, which was coincidentally suppressed by the compulsion magics. Dumbledore doesn't know about the type of vow. Just that he swore to keep Harry safe. Dumbledore has assumed this means Snape is his pawn and will do anything Dumbledore asks of him. Dumbledore is wrong.
So this chapter is early, this is my last day off until after Christmas so I'm posting it now. I am also taking a short break over the rest of December. Between working full time in the madness that is December in retail and being in trauma therapy in all my off time, I'm not really managing anything other than work, sleep and therapy. So I won't be posting anything until Jan. I'm okay, and I will continue this story, I just need a break at the moment to catch up. I have the rest of the book planned out and a good bit of the next one planned out. I just need more time to write and polish the next few chapters after I've caught up on my sleep.
Happy Lither, Summer Solstice to my southern Hemisphere siblings and happy yule, winter solstice to my northern brethren.