April 3, 2020
My life has changed a lot since the pandemic started. I was used to always being on tour and traveling around the world. But now my world has been shrunk to the walls of my apartment. I have kept my mind busy with different hobbies and even went on a small vacation with the guys but I still feel anxiety about all this. I tried to relax and take it easy but the state of the world really concerns me. I am afraid that If the pandemic continues we might have to cancel all the plans we had for this year. I know I am not alone with these feelings. The guys have been talking about it for the past couple of weeks and I know they are afraid of the uncertainty. So when the company reached out to have a last minute meeting we were not surprised.
I arrived at the company together with Hobi and Jungkook since we are staying outside of the city. We made it earlier than the others and as soon as we walked in Hobi went straight to the conference room but Jungkook and I made a stop at my studio to work some more on his new unreleased song. A while later Jungkook got a text from Tae that told us the meeting was starting. On our way to the conference room we met with the other staff and we confirmed all the members were there. They told us Namjoon had brought Ella and I got excited to see her. She has been in Seoul for a few months now but she has been busy with adjusting and she doesn't really go out a lot. We all know Namjoon is keeping her busy. When we finally made it to the meeting my heart stoped like it did years ago when I first saw Ara. It was something out of this world and I had no explanation for it until I looked to the corner of the room and saw Tae and Jimin play with the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. I first thought she looked familiar but I couldn't place why. I stared at her for what seem like an eternity and studied every little detail of her face. Her cat like eyes that I had seen somewhere before. Her gummy smile that made me think of my mother. The very fine black hair that remind me of her, for some reason this little girl remind me so much of Ara and I didn't understand why. I started to ask myself who could be the owner of the little girl. It couldn't be any of the guys I would know if they had a baby. Jin and Min have an official relationship now, I mean as official as you can be when you are an idol. But they hid their relationship from us for years to our disapointment and I don't think they hid a kid as well. Namjoon and Ella don't fit because they have not been together for that long. It's definitely not Jhope's even though he is very secretive. I think if he ever got someone pregnant he will scream it from rooftops. That guy really wants a family. It's not Tae's because in order for him to get someone pregnant he would need to get laid first. And we know it's not Jk and Jimin's for obvious reasons. I knew it was not the staff's kid since we have been working with them for years and we would know. The only person left is Hae who kept looking my way and once our eyes met I knew she was responsible for the baby. And once that little angel walked towards her asking for her mom I confirmed my suspicious. The fact that the little girl belonged to Hae made me even more confused. I knew she had no kids, I knew she had no family in Seoul. I couldn't understand why she would have a kid all of the sudden.
When Hobi said the words "She looks like you Hyung" It finally hit. She looked familiar because she was a female version of myself as a kid. Hae explained that it was her friend's daughter and it confused me even more but I didn't want to feel like I was intruding in her life. I didn't ask any questions and I just smiled at the little girl who looked like me.
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May 22, 2020
The last couple of weeks I have not been able to sleep. The many emotions I feel have been overwhelming. The release date of my second Mixtape is today and I am always nervous when ever I release something. It's been a while since the last time I made my first one and I am not sure how well this mixtape will do. I know our fans will give it a lot of love but it still makes me nervous.
Tonight Jin and Min are planning on a small dinner to celebrate the release and they have invited all the members. This will be our first time going to their apartment and I know Jin is excited to have us over. I am looking forward to having dinner with my brothers and celebrate this big accomplishment. I have to admit I have been feeling off ever since we found out our tour had been postponed and its hard to get excited about something. I always said I didn't want to be famous but now that I am an idol I miss performing in front of our fans and this pandemic has taken that away from me. I know I am not the only one feeling this way and I am glad I have my brothers that understand. Thats why I can't wait to see them today and have a nice dinner.
I have been in Jin's apartment only a few times, even thought he bought it in the same building as our dorm. The place is specious and now that Min lives here with him its starting to feel like a home. I think she put her foot down about all his pink stuff and has dialed the color down. The other member's are already here except for Joon and Ella who are always late when we meet. I wonder around the living room not knowing if I want to sit down or stand. My brain is going a thousand miles and hour and its not because the mixtape is doing bad. In reality it's doing better than my first one. Thats what makes me even more nervous.
"You want anything to drink Hyung?" Jimin asks looking at me and I shake my head in a yes. "Whats your poison today?" He continues and I watch him get up from the couch.
"I'll have a beer" I say not wanting to have the strong stuff.
"Is anyone else coming?" Tae asks when Min walks in bringing several beers in a tray.
"Yes my friend Hae" Min says smiling as she puts the tray on the coffee table and takes a seat next to Jin.
"How are you guys liking the place?" I ask taking one of the beers.
"I could live under a rock as long as Min is with me" Jin says smiling to his girl and it warms my heart to see my brother happy. We were roommates for years and sometimes I miss being able to see him everyday. I know I don't say it but I do love him and he will forever be my brother.
"Aww oppa" Min says looking at Jin and he does his famous flying kisses to her blushing cheeks. They do make a good couple and I don't know how we miss it for so many years. They did a great job hiding their blooming relationship and opposite from Namjoon and Ella they were able to hide it so well. I mean with Namjoon we all knew from the very beginning but Jin who seems like an open book really surprised us.
"Any one home?" We all hear from the door and Namjoon and Ella show up on the entry way.
"Hyung" Hobi says excited and we all walk over to say hello.
"I have a surprise for all of you" Ella says giving her last hug to Jimin.
"What is it" Jungkook ask in his perfect English and we all look at Ella.
"I brought you Churros"Ella says pulling out a box from her bag and we all look curiously. "I found them at a small marketplace here in Seoul. The owners are from Mexico and they make them fresh every morning" She explains as she opens the box to show us over 20 stuffed churros.
"Yummy" Hobi says followed by Tae.
"You spoil us" Jin says smiling.
"Lets put them away to have after dinner or the boys will devour them now" Min says taking Ella by the hand and walking her to the kitchen. We all go back to the living room and some of the guys take a seat. I still feel anxious and I ask Joon if he wants to join me outside on the balcony to take a deep breath. Joon is usually the one who knows how to calm me down the most. I don't know if it is because we have known each other longer than the others or because we are somewhat similar.
"So what is bothering you hyung?" Joon asks and I look down at the street.
"I don't know, the album is doing great better than ever but I am still nervous. I feel like today something is going to happen. Or my whole life is going to change. I don't know why I feel so uneasy." I say going back to my old habit of eating my nails.
"Calm down Yoongi. I just think you overthinking things. You always do this. You need to get out of your head." Joon says and just like before his words of wisdom calm me down. "You won't be able to enjoy today fully if you continue thinking something bad is going to happen. You did an amazing work on your mixtape and we are all very proud of you" He says placing a hand on my shoulder and thats enough for me to stop working on my nails.
"You are right" I say looking at my brother. I am thankful for him and the others that are here to celebrate with me. "You won the lottery with that girl" I say talking about Ella and the way she is with us. She truly treats us as her family and I think she is the perfect girl for Namjoon.
"Yeah I know, I think I have to be very careful for the rest of my life because I ran out of luck when I met her. To be honest its all worth it." He says smiling and I know he means every word. "Do you need more time outside?"Joon asks gesturing to go inside.
"Yeah I think I just need some alone time, I will be inside in a minute" I say hoping to finish my beer outside and be alone with my thoughts.
"Ok but don't take too long. We are all waiting for you. Plus Hoseok and JK will eat your churros" Joon smiles and just like before I don't think he is kidding.
I take a deep breath once I am alone and I turn away from the full glass windows of the living room. I stare at the street again and seeing the people below go about their life makes me feel better. I finally feel my emotions calm down when I turn and notice the guys are not the only ones waiting for me. I feel my heart drop to the floor in front of me when I see Ara standing in Jin's living room and it takes me a minute to process that this is real. I blink a few times and she is still here. She is absolutely stunning, her hair is longer now but she still has those bangs that giver her away. I walk into the living room without thinking and completely unprepared and I feel my heart beat faster when I hear her voice. She notices me and our eyes meet for the first time in years. Her smile slowly fades and we both stand there frozen in time until the little girl I had seen before walks towards her and the word the little girl speaks breaks my heart.
"Mommy" what??? Mommy??? Ara has a daughter. My brain floods with questions and I am stun unable to speak. She had a daughter all this time. Is that why she left me? To be with the father of her daughter? I start to feel anger and I speak unsure of how my words will come out.
"Is that your daughter?" I ask and I hear true raw anger in my voice. I don't care about the missed greeting or the fact the guys are here and we are not alone. I don't care about anything right now. All I care about is the words of that little girl.
"You should know that better than anyone Yoongi" she says and I tilt my head in confusion.
"I should know? What are you talking about?" I feel the anger rise to my head and betrayal starts to choke me with my words. "How can you walk into my life after all this years with a daughter and tell me I should know? What should I know? That you left me for some else?"
"I am leaving" she says to Hae which I had not notice was also here.
"No you are not!" I say almost yelling and I see the guys startle one by one. They are not use to hearing me yell and I know they are surprised. "You are going to explain what you are doing here" I say trying to calm myself down before I say something I will regret.
"We are not doing this now" she says turning back to me and I can see her eyes start to water but that does not lessen my anger. "I am not going to break down in front of our daughter. I can't" she continues and I watch stunned as she turns around and heads out the door.
"Our daughter" I whisper and the words hurt more than anything I have ever felt in my life. The shock of what she just said erases all anger I was feeling and I am left with complete emptiness. I think Hae heard me because the words that come out of her mouth bring my whole world crushing down. They change my life and even though I have nothing to confirm their validity I believe every single word without any hesitation.
"Yes Yoongi, She is your daughter"