December 28, 2017
My time in South Africa has been amazing and even though I haven't been here for long I am already in love with the country. I have been staying in the Kruger National Park and the hospitality has been astounding. My first day on assignment I met one of the vets on site named Rachelle and her husband Jake who is one of the many caretakers. They have been my guide around the park and even though the language is a big barrier we have been able to work around it. They have such passion for what they do and it has really inspired me when I take pictures of the animals they love so much.
Thankfully I have been able to keep in touch with my family as much as possible. The WIFI here is not great but I am able to at least talk to Yoongi once a week which is not ideal but that's the best we can do with his hectic schedule and my bad reception. He has been very supportive all this time but lately he has been very busy with work and our calls have been even less.
Today I had planned on spending some time with one of the elephant's families but I have not been feeling well since I got here. I think it's the change of water and food or maybe it's me not being used to this side of the world. I have been able to manage it well and it has not affected my deadlines but today I have not been able to keep anything down since this morning. I woke up feeling dizzy and nauseous and as soon as Ariel saw me she told me I should stay and lie down. Which I did since I know she would send me home if she saw me around the park. She keeps insisting that its not the food and I should get a check up as soon as possible but I don't have the time. I have been working non stop since I arrived and between the photoshoots and editing I don't go to bed until almost 3 am most nights. Taking pictures of animals in the wild has not been an easy thing and the publishing company is very specific on what they want and I have been doing my best to please them.
I have been lying here in my small bed for most of the morning and the dizziness has not eased off. I tried to have some crackers and water which Ariel suggested but I only kept them down a few minutes.
"Ara are you up?" I hear someone speak in English outside my door. My head is killing me but I manage to get up and open the door.
"I'm up" I reply back in English when I see Ariel standing outside my door.
"I got you some medicine to maybe help you with the nausea and I also got you a pregnancy test" She says and I cant process her words fully. I know she notices the shock in my face and she continues. "Ara I think you might be pregnant."
"No, no no" I say multiple times thinking I heard her wrong.
"I don't see any other explanations on why you have been feeling like this. Do the test to at least eliminate that possibility" She says holding out a white stick. I take a closer look at the thing in her hand and different things rush in my head. I cant be pregnant, I just cant. I mean Yoongi and I didn't protect ourselves any of the many times we were together but I always thought those things take time.
"Come on don't be scared I'm here with you" I watch still in shock as Ariel moves the stick closer to me and she gestures for me to take it.
"Okay" I say and I take the stick and head to the bathroom. I don't know how this things work but Ariel gives me instructions from outside the bathroom. She tells me to pee in one of the plastic cups. Once I have completed step one she tells me to wait at least 3 minutes and I sit at the toilet staring at the test. More thoughts rush in my head and I start to feel dizzy again. How will my family react if I am pregnant? How will I tell Yoongi? Will he want to be part of mine and the baby's life? What if he questions it's his baby? I did sleep with him the first night we saw each other after so many years. Well he doesn't know I had a crush on him and I always dreamed of being with him. But he probably thinks I just wanted to be with him because he is famous now. Which is the furthest thing from the truth.
"I think it's time Ara" I hear Ariel speak and my hands are shaking so hard now that I can't turn the test around.
"I can't do this" I say in Korean and I exit the bathroom not looking at the stick.
"What was that?" Ariel asks and I don't look back at her. I lie back down on the bed afraid my legs will give out on me any second now.
"I can't" I say forgetting all my other English words.
"Is it ok if I look?" She ask gesturing toward the bathroom and I shake my head to give her permission. I watch as she walks in and a split second later she is back in the bedroom. I study her face for any possible clues of what the results could be but her face is blank of any expression. I feel tears come down my face and I think I already know the answer. To my surprise the tears are not from fear or sadness they are actual tears of joy. I don't know what has taken over me but my dizziness is gone and I can feel my heart go faster. I sit on the bed to wipe my tears away and I look at Ariel awaiting the words.
"Congratulations Ara you are pregnant"
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August 18, 2018
"Welcome to the world Bak, Mia Ae-ar" I look down at the beautiful baby girl in my arms. She has a full head of hair as black as coal. Her eyes are cat shaped and are the tinniest balls of joy I have ever seen. She is perfect and I can not be happier that she is finally here in my arms. I look at my mom and I can see tears in her eyes. I know she has been waiting for this day just as much as I have.
"You should get some rest sweetheart" My mom says taking Mia to put her back on her small hospital crib. The nurses have finally left us alone and they won't be back until a few hours from now. Both Mia and I are in perfect good health and the delivery went smoothly. Unfortunately the labor process was a different story. The last few hours have been exhausting and after being in labor for almost 15 hours I need as much rest as possible. I started having constructions last night and they got worse as time passed. My mom was the first one to insist I should come to the hospital to get checked but I was afraid. As soon as Bong and my father came home from closing the Bakery they practically carried me here. After the many arguments and disagreements over my pregnancy both Bong and my father came around and they had been the most excited to meet little Mia. My mom of course has been supportive since the very beginning and she walked me through the whole pregnancy. I don't think I would have made it without her. This past almost 10 months have been hard but seeing that tiny face has made it all worth it.
I follow my mom's orders and I close my eyes hoping sleep will find me. But thoughts of what has happened since the day I found out I was going to be a mom, pop in my head. I came back to Korea as soon as my job was completed. I waited to tell my parents about my pregnancy until I could face them. They were upset as expected and my dad and brother took it the worse. My brother kept asking who the father was and I refused to tell him. I didn't want him to know that Yoongi broke my heart and didn't care to be a father. If my brother new his best friend was the one who betrayed me I don't think Yoongi would still be alive. I cried for months after I got no word from Yoongi. I called him the day I found out I was pregnant and he didn't answer. I felt he needed to know as soon as possible but for that whole day I waited and waited for a call that never came. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and called him again the next day but just like the day before he never called. I texted him several times for weeks telling him I was pregnant and never got a text back. The day I came back to Korea I wrote him a letter and sent it to his dorm telling him I didn't want anything from him. I just wanted Mia to meet him in the future but I never got a reply. I wrote my number multiple times on the letter just in case he forgot it but again I never got a call back. I was devastated mostly for my little girl that will have to grow up without her dad. Once my belly started to show I felt more comfortable telling people and I told Hae about my pregnancy. She insisted she wanted to go talk to Yoongi but I refused. I didn't want him to come see his daughter because someone else was asking him or because he felt pushed to do it. If he was going to deny us and ignore us I was going to act like he never existed. I have seen his family around the neighborhood a few times and I am thankful they never asked questions. I mean they probably don't even know what happened between Yoongi and I.
For the next 6 months I worked in my parents Bakery waiting for my next assignment with the publish company. When I told them about my situation they were very understanding and paid me extra since they loved my work. I go back to South Africa in 2 months for a longer assignment. This time I will be there for 6 months and after that my next assignment is the US. I plan on taking Mia with me and my brother Bong decided to come to help me with Mia but mostly to protect us. I am very thankful I have someone like him. That loves me and cares for me as much as he does. But to be honest I think Mia might steal my spot pretty soon if she has not already. When he saw her today right after she was born I knew in that instance that she had stolen his heart. He looked back at her as the most precious thing he had ever seen and I knew I was already forgotten.
Now looking at my sleeping little girl I know she doesn't need a father in her life, she will grow up to be a very loved child and I will make sure she has everything she needs. She has Bong and my dad and that will be enough for now. Deep down I wish she would have the chance to meet her father and I know maybe in a few years he will regret his decision. I know Yoongi is a good man and maybe it's just not the right time for him. He is at the top of his career and a family now would not be a good idea. Thats one of the reason I named her Mia. One because her name means mine in Italian and Aera means love in Hangul. And that's what she is, she is my love. Second is because I felt that's the closets she was ever going to be to her father's name. She will never be a Min but I will make it my life's mission to make her a proud Bak.