"We're going to the zoo!" Dick announces. "Everybody is mandated to come. Otherwise, Oracle's locking you out of all your devices for a month. And by everybody, I mean everyone who dons a costume at night to beat people up."
Marinette groans. This is not going to go well.
Scene I: The Giraffes
"Hey, it's the giraffes!" Steph exclaims. "Woah, those are really tall."
"We would have to stack three Damians to reach the height of one female giraffe." Tim remarks, clutching a large thermos of coffee.
Damian snarls. "Do you wish to die, Drake?" Bruce snatches Damian's backpack from him before he can pull out his knives.
Jason pokes Marinette in the side. "Male giraffes are eleven feet. If you stood on my shoulders, we'd be around that height."
"Yes, yes, I know. Call me short, Jay. But I could easily punch you in the groin if I wanted." Marinette grumbles. She pointedly ignores the commotion next to her.
Damian has tackled Tim, Dick is trying to pull him off, Steph is cheering him on, and Cass is happily watching the giraffes. Bruce is rummaging through Damian's backpack and grimacing at the amount of weapons the child packed.
Go figure.
Scene II: Elephants
"Well, this kind of stinks." Jason remarks, as the baby elephant in front of them decides to take a poo. They all collectively gag as the smell wafts their way.
"Let's just move on." Bruce decides, and the group starts walking, except for Damian.
"Five more minutes, Father." The boy commands. "It is too adorable to leave."
Marinette has never been more glad that she always brings face masks around. She hands one to Jason and puts the other on. At least this muffles most of the scent.
Bruce sighs. "Damian-"
"Five minutes, Father." He hisses dangerously.
"Guess we're stuck here." Tim says sadly. "It's going to be a long five minutes."
Scene III: Reptile House
"Mari! Look here! It's a Burmese Python!" Jason calls, pointing to a massive snake coiled in one of the terrariums.
Marinette shudders. "Eugh, these creep me out. Guess I use the mouse miraculous too much. I just hope we can move on soon."
"This snake is beautiful." Damian declares, gesturing at a King Cobra. "I wish to keep it as a pet."
"Little D, this is a zoo!" Dick chastises. "Not an animal shelter with pets up for adoption!"
"Are you crazy? That's the longest venomous snake in the world!" Tim shrieks.
Damian sniffs. "Precisely, Drake. I wish to train it to attack you, just as I have with all my other pets."
"You- what?" Tim splutters. "That's why none of the animals like me? I'm changing your Wifi password."
"You wouldn't dare!"
Steph walks up to Marinette and Jason, holding out a tub of popcorn. "Want some?"
"Thanks." Marinette reaches for the popcorn, then freezes. "Wait. Where'd you get this?"
The blonde grins. "I have Cass on my side. Anything is possible."
"Speaking of which," Jason frowns. "Where is she?"
Scene IV: Butterfly House
Dick shrieks as another butterfly flaps past his head. "I swear, these things are trying to kill me!"
"Tt, don't be stupid, Grayson. They are harmless creatures." Damian scoffs.
Marinette hums thoughtfully. "I mean, most butterflies are, but if they're actually the demonic purple butterflies sent by a crazy fashion designer with a magical brooch to prey on negative emotions and turn people into colorful monsters with ridiculous powers that I spent three years fighting, then we're in trouble."
Jason blinks. "Sometimes, I forget how crazy your life was."
"Yeah, I wish I could do that." Marinette sighs. "Gabriel was a dick."
Tim raises his camera and snaps a picture of Steph giggling as a butterfly makes itself at home in her hair.
Bruce almost-smiles. "At least no one's trying to kill each other here. Everyone is- wait." He scans the house, frowning.
"Guys, have any of you seen Cass?"
Scene V: Penguins
As it turns out, Cass went off to buy a slushy. She joins them at the penguin exhibit and watches gleefully as Bruce tries to interrogate the poor birds. Tim is filming the entire thing on his camera.
"Have you ever had any association with the Gotham villain known as Penguin in the past?"
"Squawk."
"What, exactly, is your connection to the criminal otherwise known as Oswald Cobblepot?"
"Squawk?"
"Answer my question!" Bruce growls at the birds.
Jason's shoulders are shaking with silent laughter, and Marinette stifles a giggle.
"Father, these are-"
"Silence, Damian! I am interrogating the moles that Penguin planted at the zoo."
One especially brave penguin waddles right up to Bruce, leaving only a few inches of space in between their faces.
They engage in a silent staring contest.
Then...
"SQUAWK!" The penguin screeches in Bruce's face. Being the Batman, he doesn't startle (very much) and simply growls as the penguin dives into the water, chirping happily.
"Get back here! I wasn't done yet!"
Scene VI: Tigers
The orange and black-striped feline elegantly prowls towards the group, heading straight for Cass, who beams and reaches her hand out to press up against the glass. The tiger nuzzles into the wall between them, and Cass frowns.
Captive. She signs. Free?
"This tiger was born in captivity." Bruce says. "She wouldn't survive in the wild. And for future reference, none of you are allowed to free the zoo animals."
Dick sighs. "Aw, come on B, Dami and I had our heist already halfway planned!"
"This tiger is beautiful." Damian states. "She is graceful in a way that humans cannot master."
"What about Cass?" Jason points out. "She's just as graceful as the tiger."
Cass smiles, pleased. Thank you, little brother.
"Marinette and Dick are really graceful when they're in the air too!" Steph adds.
Marinette winces. "Key word being air. I've already tripped over my own feet six times, and another three times on Jason."
Right on cue, as she moves to read another plaque, she trips over Jason's foot and flails. He catches her in a dip like the good boyfriend he is and promptly kisses her- passionately.
Damian makes a disgusted noise, Dick sighs, Tim snaps a picture, and Cass smacks them both on the backs of their heads.
Children. She signs, and they both smile sheepishly. Two toddlers are staring, openmouthed, and Marinette counts five parents covering their children's eyes.
"Oops."
Bruce pinches the bridge of his nose. "You two can contribute to Alfred's PDA jar when we get back."
"Aww, Bruce!" Jason complains.
"He has strict rules and you didn't follow them." Steph chirps. "You brought this on yourself."
"Timbo, help me out here?"
Tim looks up from where he's fiddling with his camera. "Uh, no thank you? You two have scarred multiple children for life. It's only five dollars. You'll survive."
"No! Betrayed! By my own family!" Jason wails, and Marinette huffs.
"Mon oiseau, you are the son of a billionaire. Not to mention, all the money you make from your... extracurriculars. You can pay the five dollar fine."
"It's the principle of the thing!"
At the end of the day, all of them are tired and sweaty. They agree that maybe the zoo isn't the greatest place for a family outing, except for Damian, who wants to return to kidnap (Animalnap? Zoonap?) the animals and set them free.
As they get out of the minivan one by one, Marinette, who is right behind Damian, spots something in his shirt move.
"Damian, what's in your shirt?"
The boy snarls. "Nothing!"
"Damian..." Bruce sighs, and Damian reluctantly pulls out a green grass snake.
"It is non-venomous. Nobody will miss it." He says defensively, and there is a chorus of groans.
"It's a snake." Tim points out. "That you stole. From the zoo."
Damian sniffs. "I prefer the term liberated."
Jason groans, and rests his chin on the top of Marinette's head. She staggers underneath the extra weight. "I hate this fucking family."
Marinette reaches up to poke him in the chest. "You know you love us. Why else would you wear a bat on your chest?"
"To piss Bruce off."
"Sure. Keep telling yourself that."